My friend is ugly!
By Michael Ngigi
Do you have an ugly friend? Phew! I thought I was the only one suffering from this!
My buddy is a talented guy. Very creative and helplessly intelligent. He works in a prominent real estate company. Good money and lots of free time. He has countless friends. He is the perfect extrovert. I have a list of women who would eat him alive if not snatch him and lock him up in their shrines at home. There is however one small problem. He is ugly. The reason why I say it’s a small problem is because it is he, that believes he is ugly. I believe it’s all in your head. Well for one, a man can’t tell if the next man is handsome but he sure can tell if he is ugly. Come to think of it, I have several ugly friends.
So what is ugly?
Ugly is a collective term of characteristics that make someone turn out to be a put off. You see them and immediately they open their mouth you get nauseated. This friend is dear to you but you can’t help freaking out whenever they call; it’s always a sad story. Think of that friend who is always complaining, whining and being the victim. This friend blames the world anytime they can’t find their underwear. Sometimes, this friend threatens suicide. You get the picture by now don’t you?
Let’s talk about beautiful women versus my ugly friend.
My friend doesn’t have to work hard to pull women his way. He has charisma. Sometimes I can’t help imagining how good he’d be as a cult leader or a hoarse voiced downtown-street-preacher. But that’s just it. Immediately the women get interested, he shrinks into oblivion. Now I know for a fact that he is not gay. He loves women; he just doesn’t know how to proceed to the next level. This is where the rest of the dogs ask, isn’t the first impression supposed to be the hardest to pull off? Well it is relative. Seemingly, a debate that would never end.
So today is your day, ugly dog. I will tell you what is wrong with you. So once I’m through, don’t thank me. Fix it.
Firstly, these beautiful women on your heels don’t need to hear about your professional achievements for hours unless you’re a gigolo. Keep your jokes flowing. Keep them on the edge. These women like shameless stuff. Raw, dirty and suggestive. Your problem is, you start well and somewhere along the way, you want to present a disclaimer that you are sophisticated. Drop that for God’s sake!
You wag your tail when you see a woman that doesn’t challenge you. Haven’t you noticed the women you date are eager to tell you about their problems more than they want to bed you? Guys like you warm the bathing water just to have someone else bath with it. Get it? Hook up with that woman whom you openly fear. A diva who considers you to be cheap. That girl that every dog ogles at but can’t dare show teeth to. It’s a challenge. It’s fun and it keeps your heart healthy.
The ladies hate your guts. Wrong word. Ego. We do too. Why do you have to talk down to everyone whenever you’re with a woman? You want to look like a Don; fully in charge of the situation. News flash. You want to be in control? Just do you. Stop with the self importance attitude and put on a normal hardworking man’s cap. I would like to introduce you to the idea that if they were looking for wealthy men, none of us would have any woman. Treat other people in a respectful manner. Ladies love a man that does that.
Do you own a pet? No? Good. Please don’t own one. You’ll kill it with your possessiveness. You stink of jealousy from afar. You don’t want to see your woman friend talking to another man. Jealousy breeds insecurity. Insecurity makes an ugly man. It stinks. If you can’t trust a woman then don’t date one. Act like the cool dude you are. Girls love stable, they love calm looking machines with a beastly strength inside. Don’t let your eyes sell you out. Yes you are weak and scared (who isn’t!) but that’s your own secret. Die with it.
Final dogvise, don’t lose your boys for a girl. You turn into a wussy. Oh, now you’re wearing pink silk shirts huh? That’s not cool. You might as well be the gay pal all women want to have. Never give up that beer with the boys. From them you’ll learn how to be a man. Watch a boxing match and whistle at the beautiful women passing nearby. Debate, on current affairs…talk trash about the government. Build knowledge. Man knowledge. Go on…be a man!
I could go on and on but you get my drift. Now go wash up you ugly dog. These fleas will finish you!