Single and Searching: A Dog’s Guide to Finding the Right Owner
Dogs are sexually mature between 6 months and 1 year but are not socially mature until they are about 2 years of age.
You never thought you’d come to this point but it is here. Thought you’d be a certified bachelor for life but now you want to settle down. You have been a dog all your life, no commitment was your motto. But now you have exchanged club hopping for wedding committee meetings, followed by baby showers. Nowadays, the only parties you seem to be going to are evening parties or bachelor parties. When you meet your boys at a bar, the talk seems to be centered on kids and family. The only kids in your life are your nieces and nephews. It’s not the twilight zone, you are just getting older. The dogcatcher is catching up with you and you better get an owner soon or you’ll end up in the pound. So how exactly do you end up finding an owner?
Every dog has its day and there is indeed someone out there for you. The first thing and most important thing you need to do, is to be you. Don’t front, you can only front for so long. If she likes you, she will like you for who you are. If you are a Chihuahua, act like a Chihuahua. If you are a Bulldog, then by all means, be a Bulldog. Concentrate on bringing out your positive attributes and quit trying to be a breed that you are not. Works better that way
CLEAN UP AND CLEAN UP YOUR KENNEL.
You don’t have to change your whole wardrobe. Just style up, no more dragon shirts, get you some nice shirts, a few ties, pants that actually fit and see the transformation. It’s a full time job becoming grown and sexy. You don’t have to do much though; your new owner once you find her will direct you on the rest. Next clean up your kennel. You bring a girl home; have a romantic candle-lit dinner, soft music, the works. You went all out trying to be the perfect gentleman and had no intentions of ruining this date. Unfortunately on her way out, she sees a condom wrapper that you forgot to dispose of properly. What impression does this leave her with? “It’s great that he uses protection” Very unlikely. It’s more like, “Damn bastard, he thought I would be getting into bed with him like all the other girls?” To say the least, all that effort will be ruined. This is also a good time to say goodbye to your trophies; you know, those thongs that you keep in a shoebox of all your ‘conquests’. Throw them out!!!
Before you really decide that you want to settle down. Be honest with yourself, if you can’t give up the chips funga, the booty calls, then you aren’t ready. Honesty is important in any relationship. Besides in today’s age, it’s becoming harder and harder to cheat. They are deterrents called Facebook, Twitter etc. Most dogs appreciate Facebook but as many opportunities it brings it also has its share of problems. For a cheating dog, you have to keep a constant vigil on who posts on your wall, what pics or posts you get tagged in, you have to watch how you update your statuses, it’s a full time job and if you are constantly on it, then you are probably not investing as much time on the relationship. Give up the other gals and concentrate on what you have.
CHANGE YOUR TERRITORY
You are now growing up and if you truly looking for an owner to settle down. Its time you changed your hunting grounds. Hit up a few plays, museums, art showings and such like. I am sure you have never been in a club grinding on some girl and thinking to yourself,” Hmm she looks like she would make a good wife.” So clean up and hit up a few spots. Besides you are getting old and its time you stopped wasting your time doing the dougie, stanky leg and any other dances that come out between now and year’s end. How the heck do you expect a potential owner to differentiate between you and a teenager? Learn some foxtrot, quickstep or some salsa at least.
These are just a few pointers and they were written in consultation with some very lovely ladies’ help. We say thank you.