See the World Through My Eyes

Love & Sex

Working Late – Part 1

The clock struck six and Makena heard Dan’s chair move and his shoes shuffle. She tensed and waited for the door to open. The hair on her arms stood stiff and her mind went blank. It’s funny how she had never gotten used to it despite the numerous number of times he did it. Then a familiar knock. Three times and then a slow turning of the knob. She got up from her chair and unbuttoned her blouse and sat on her desk. As she leaned back she felt the warm trickle of her tear racing down to the back of her neck.

“One minute!” she gasped as she quickly snatched some tissue and wiped her face. She didn’t want him to see her crying. She felt horrible but convinced herself it would only take a few minutes.

Dan walked in and without saying a word he locked the door drew the blinds. He then grabbed her by the waist and slid her off the table and turned her to face away from him. He was aggressive. The kind of aggressive displayed by a person taking back property that belongs to him. He unclasped her bra and lifted her skirt almost ripping it along the seams. Using his right foot he kicked her legs apart just above the ankles and pushed her head down on the table like a policeman apprehending a suspect with the intent of finding a concealed weapon. He undid the buckle of his belt as he held her down and dropped his pants this time with his hand tightly gripping the back of her neck.

She felt pain as she felt him enter. More tears. She couldn’t close her eyes while he pushed in roughly. As he grunted and heaved behind her, Makena let her mind wander off by looking at the windows on the building across the road. She watched the people busy moving about their offices as they worked overtime to meet their deadlines. It was interesting how everyone was so engrossed in their tasks that there was definitely no chance that they would look her way.

Her mind wandered off to her husband and kids. How earlier in the morning they all had breakfast in the master bed and laughed their hardest when the youngest child kept missing her mouth as she tried to feed herself like the rest of the family. She made a mess and everyone was happy. The parents had been working hard lately and the kids were ecstatic to have a much needed but rare unwinding occasion as a family. She recalled how her husband dropped her off at work as he started his Uber shift. He was really trying and the fact that he had had better days made her love him more for not giving in to frustration. The last couple of years had been tough financially and both man and wife had to make it work with their meagre incomes.

Makena felt him shake like an old car running out of fuel. He let off a deep guttural sound as his grip tightened on her hips. She could smell his cigarette breath as he contorted forward on her back. He was sweating and for a moment it felt like leaning on a wall of slime in a dirty, humid bathroom. She felt sick, ashamed and worthless. Moreso because it was Valentine’s day and she would later have to pretend to be horny for her husband.

Her boss pulled up his pants and tidied up his shirt. He pulled out his wallet and slipped her two one thousand shilling notes.

“Now you can’t say I didn’t give you a Valentines day gift,” Dan said in a low voice as he walked out, “And don’t come in late tomorrow”.

She could feel the triumph in his voice and how confident he was that this arrangement was permanent and that she had no power to stop it. More tears.

As she cleaned up and put on makeup she couldn’t help but acknowledge the hopeless emptiness she felt. She picked up her back and hurried out to the elevator. She took in three breaths of air and forced a smile as the doors slid open.

She desperately wanted it to stop but she couldn’t figure out how. She badly needed this job and since this had happened in her two previous workplaces, she had accepted that it is normal. Most of her friends were going through the same experience and even though this didn’t make her feel any better, it added further to the hollowness she felt in her being.

As she sat in the bus on her way home she couldn’t stop tidying her blouse and skirt. She felt uncomfortable and insecure as if everyone around her knew what she had been doing a few minutes before. Across from where she sat was a pregnant woman holding her bump as the bus hurtled down Valley Road towards the city center. Her heart skipped a beat and for a moment she couldn’t breathe. Earlier in the day she had taken a pregnancy test in the ladies bathroom. It came out positive.

•••

This is a #TrueStory dedicated to the women and men in Nairobi who are subjected to sexual coercion every day at their places of work.

 


I Am Phoenix

I was married but I am single now. It is a significant and life changing event especially if one was had gone through all the necessary customs and an official marriage ceremony. Every day I get many people asking me what happened and whose fault it is. Unfortunately, when a marriage comes to an end there are no winners, only losers. Whatever anyone did or didn’t do becomes irrelevant.

There is no bad or good person after such a sad and sometimes traumatizing event. Each person is dealing with something throughout the process. Most people go into marriage innocently and with the right reasons and therefore most break ups are usually not premeditated. In the end blame is shared equally because it’s a two person affair.

Every partner goes through a process of trying to understand and resolve before finally making that tough decision that is characterized by a terrifying fear of uncertainty of the future. After all, we are talking about someone who you willingly gave your life to do with as they please. Some marriages end prematurely while for others, a break up ends up being the best decision to have been made. For both of these instances, only time can validate. It is a sad reality but that is the nature of such an event.

Moving on
Does one ever move on? Well for that I don’t have a definite answer but I can say with confidence that it is a journey that demands a lot of thought and perhaps patience. There are lots of things to consider including getting back together. I’ve heard of countless instances where two people realized their love for each other by staying apart for some time. In similar measure I have heard of others who knew at the start that it was the beginning of the end. Simply put, each situation is unique and requires to be treated as such.

I will not go into detail about my experience out of respect for my friends, family and most importantly to my former partner. In addition such details are irrelevant and we have chosen to be civil and I have chosen to keep the details of our lives to ourselves. I will however talk about my journey to the place that I currently find myself in. To answer the question on your mind, I am happy. I am happy for many things especially the fact that we are still friends and civil with my former partner. I am also happy that we have had a very supportive community of friends and family who chose not to take sides and instead to act and treat our situation responsibly. Very few breakups get to enjoy such benefits. Our families are great friends and they have made it clear that they haven’t broken up. I find this to be a good thing.

Life after breakup is different and also challenging. It is pointless to attempt to describe it in a simple way so I won’t. I will rather talk about the things I have learned so far.

Back in the game
Funny enough, I have no clue what dating is like these days. Asking someone out feels complicated and foreign so I am yet to be successful. I have lost the game that I had in my dynamic dating years. I have also become very anxious to meet new people or to make commitments of any kind. I have also come to accept that there is a very thin line between friendships and serious relationships with women over 25 years of age. When I was younger, I had a lot of genuine women friends and it felt normal. I could be hanging out in the wrong places but I happen to be coming across women whose main currency is instant commitment. While I quite fully understand the ‘clock is ticking’, I am also amazed at how easy it is to people to compromise their ideals in exchange for an opportunity to settle down.

I have also come across people who treat relationships like product packages. Some want a child but on condition they live separately with the father of the child. There is a man somewhere who will only agree to marry a woman on condition she agrees to him keeping his side girlfriends. The list is endless and it shows that as human beings we are always evolving.

Everyone is changing and we all seem to have a checklist that gets more unrealistic by the day. The result? There are a lot lonelier and secretly desperate people today than there ever have been before. Many people want to settle down but their ‘list’ won’t let them. In the meantime, they experiment in meaningless associations hoping that they will stumble into a perfect situation. It is especially harder for people like me who have been married before because we come with a lot of caution, fear and anxiety hoping that we shall do it right this time. My research on divorce veterans tells me the challenges of one’s next relationship almost always remain the same as the last one. Maybe this points to a more personal approach to future relationships that involves self-actualization and improvement and rather not expecting your future partner to have all the qualities in your list checked to accuracy.

How long is how long?
How long should it take before one is back in the game? How should I know?! I think the better question should be how are you wired? Are you the type that are not wired to be alone for long? Are you likely to be depressed if you are not in a relationship for more than a month? Are you a natural loner who just likes to be alone and are not in a hurry to ‘complicate’ your life again? In my opinion, everyone’s situation is unique and no one should be pressured to move in any direction. We love our family and friends but pressure from these people can lead you down a miserable path. I have no experience to be qualified as a giver of advice to this question but I have a feeling that one should go at their comfortable pace.

This is where I am at now
I have deliberately simplified my life. I get anxious when I am in communication with too many people (friends of family) at once. I struggle to maintain constant contact with friends especially when over dependence is involved. I like hanging out alone most of the time and when I hang out with friends I find myself wanting to keep the interaction short, relevant and sweet. There are a few exceptions of course. My close circle is always a priority and I could live with them for long periods of time without feeling drained. I have also found myself keeping away from negative people and also people with a lot of baggage to offload. I know this sounds mean but in today’s world everyone is dealing with something. The best we can do is encourage and be there for each other but not feel obligated to solve other people’s problems.

Am I dating? I’m not there yet and don’t know how long that might take. I have met very good and interesting people but I am focused on making sure I love and take care of myself before I can do the same for another. I have also come to learn the value of stating my intentions with everyone I meet. I believe everyone deserves the truth of intention when coming into any form of friendship. Sometimes it hurts but it breeds respect.

Happy
After my breakup I realized I didn’t know who I was and this has set me on an interesting journey to uncover my interests, hopes and any other aspect that I feel is important to move forward. I have rediscovered some things I used to like doing such as driving out in the cold of a weekend morning to watch the sunrise from a different place every weekend. I love to cook and lately I’ve been learning new life lessons from every new thing I try in the kitchen. Constantly making appointments to meet up with the people who have stood by me all along, I have come to realize one doesn’t need much. Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication, sincerity gives you genuine freedom and being true to yourself gifts you happiness. Maybe one day I’ll tell you if all the choices I made were right. I have learnt not to expect perfect outcomes but at the same time I have come to appreciate that through difficult times, there is always hope to rise from the ashes to fly again. For now I am having the best view of the city lights.

 


Jo

jo

Today I broke down in the car as I was driving to work. I surprised myself. For some reason I thought it’s been too long since you left me hanging on hope that you would pull through. At least once every year I get overwhelmed by this deep and helpless feeling of sorrow. But today was worse. I couldn’t help myself. So I cried and banged my fists on the wheel in rage not caring if the people in traffic could see me. You always said that you’d be surprised if I had any tears at all. You said my face made me look cold, disinterested and criminal so yes today I cried.

I have never forgiven myself for not calling you in 3 months yet you were my secret best friend. I hate the memory of calling you only to be told by your mother that you were in hospital. I can still remember how weak I felt when I came to see you at the hospital. I never imagined I could see you helpless. I thought I’d come in and you’d sit up and immediately ask me why my hair wasn’t shaved. You always wanted me to look neat and organised. For some reason I liked that I could handle your OCD.

I never understood why a beautiful soul with such a bright future would be taken first. I sat there at your bedside and for a moment my heart skipped when your heart monitor showed that my presence had gotten you excited. But you were trapped. I could see you fighting to come out from behind your tearing eyes. I could feel you trying to move your hand to touch my face. For a split moment I knew you just wanted for us to have coffee like we always did every couple of days just to talk and debate about anything and everything.

I have never forgiven myself for not being able to say anything all the times I came to see you. I was scared. I felt like you had abandoned me. I tried to speak but my throat always turned into a tight knot. I didn’t know how to talk to someone who was not able to respond. I felt angry and sorry to see you twitching and drooling all over the hospital sheets. I hated that for once I couldn’t fix it. I hate that we were so broke that we couldn’t afford you better care; I couldn’t shield and fight for you like the first time we met.

We were friends and we liked to keep it that way. We never dated and we never even saw the need of talking about it. I knew where your heart was and you knew the chaos that was my life. We were two sides of the same soul yet different in every way. But here you were, crying out for help. Trying to tell me something I will never know. There I was, trying to stay hard above my tears and trying to convince you that you’d get well.

I hate the day when I walked through the hospital gate and instantly knew in my heart that you were gone. Suddenly I knew all the things that I wanted to say to you but it was too late. We were born on the same day and hour so you know why it’s always been hard for me to understand why you were gone before our time.

I didn’t look at your face in the funeral. I didn’t cry. I didn’t want you to see me that way. Even now I find it hard to visit your grave because I know that’s not where you are. I want to hold on to the music, the laughter and the conversations that made everything okay. The best way I can honour your memory is to tell everyone around me about that brief moment in my life where I found a friend that promised she’d one day make me cry and delivered on it.

Tonight I will find a quiet spot and raise a glass to you.

– For Georgina Maxine Mueni, 1978-2007


If they Ask

whiskey

Some people have mentors others have role models. I have godfathers. This particular one loves whisky and the occasional cuban. When the ice starts splitting in his glass you can be sure what he says next will change your future.

After clearing his throat, my godfather proceeded to tell me a story he had told many a young man before me. A story that I heard from my other godfather on the day of my wedding.

The story is about a man and his wife who lived in their mud and thatch homestead on the edge of a thick forest. The wife did everything around the house. She cooked and cleaned while the man tilled their land, split firewood and looked after their tiny herd of goats. The couple worked hard and were thankful for the simple life they had created for themselves. However, they were the laughing stock of their village because it was abnormal for a man to help his wife in work. Villagers considered him a weak man for openly caring for his wife and helping her with work. After all, a real man is supposed to enjoy the ‘benefits’ of marriage. Men would wake up late and head to sit under the great tree to enjoy traditional brew while they waited for sunset.

One day as the man was splitting firewood [so the wife could make them a meal], a huge venomous snake slithered out of the firewood and poised itself in an attacking stance. The man was terrified and let out a loud scream. He ran off screaming into the kitchen hut and jumped into the ‘itara’. [This is where firewood is stored in the roof of the hut to keep it dry.]

The wife was plucking tomatoes when she heard her husband’s desperate screams. She immediately rushed to where she had left him splitting firewood and found the snake still erect and ready to strike. Instinctively, she picked up a thick piece of firewood and started beating the snake’s head while screaming. She swung her stick until she was sure she had squashed the snake’s head completely.

Their neighbors heard the commotion and came rushing to help. When they got to the compound they found the wife sitting on the ground crying.

She said, “I was chopping firewood when this big snake attacked me. But my strong fearless husband came to my rescue and beat it to death. He fought it with such courage that it stood no chance! In fact, he has just gone into the kitchen to bring kerosene and some matches so we could burn it.I would be dead were it not for my husband!”.

When the husband came out from his hiding place, he was stunned beyond words. There stood the whole village cheering him for his bravery. He was after all the real man of the village and his wife was the luckiest woman in the world.

You see the woman knew she had married a coward but she also knew she had married a good man nonetheless.But this snake ordeal was their secret to keep.

When two people spend time together, they start discovering their strengths and weaknesses. Sometimes, these [strength and weakness] aspects defy the expectations of society.

I have seen men who’ve lost their jobs and agreed to stay at home and watch the kids while their wives brought the dough. I have seen women who have the guts to protect their families while their men go into panic because they lack the courage in adversity. Most of all I have seen couples who still love each other despite these ‘unusual’ and overlapping strengths and weaknesses.
Some women can’t fry an egg while some men can’t install a light bulb.

While I advocate for every sex to try their best to learn and improve on their natural roles, I also acknowledge that for some it may never change. We all come from different backgrounds so it would be unfair to judge the one you love based on your idea of the man or woman of your dreams. Love ignores such details.

The most important learning is how you talk about the one you love in their absence. This is the PR in a relationship. When you talk negatively about the man you’re with to the world. You cut off his feet and deny yourself the chance of ever making a good man out of him. Someone once said, ‘A wise woman knows the importance of speaking life into her man. If you love him; believe in him, encourage him and be his peace.’

The same applies to men. Like us, women come into a relationship with many faults that need fixing and adjusting to. This is natural. We’re all raised differently and have had different experiences that shaped how we behave now. Instead, always try to understand the genesis of that particular trait that you don’t like. You will be surprised that you’d have turned out the same given her circumstances! When you talk about her to others, paint her as the perfect picture. After all, perfection is how you choose to look at it.

In the end you will realize that the world feeds on your shortcomings and soon your words work against you. Be careful what you say about the ones you love.


Landing Cave Men

CAVE_MAN

It’s been ages since I wrote a post. I missed you and I have so much to tell you. It’s been quite a ride I must say but first, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. Do you realize  that A Day in a Dog’s Life is probably one of the first books written publicly by an author together with his readers? That makes me a very proud man. I am thankful and hopeful that this book will be sold and pirated widely. A Day in a Dog’s Life is now selling on Amazon so let’s get online and buy. In the meantime, let’s write another one. Time’s a wasting.

I won’t lie to you, like most of my friends, I never thought it would turn out like this. The idea of being seriously hooked to someone let alone being attached for life was never one I toyed with. I was never really a ‘bad’ guy in my previous life but the mere thought of bidding farewell to the free world scared me. It would never have occurred to me that I would find my way home in the end.

We got married on a lovely morning on the twelfth of December, on an arc over a sparkling pool of blue water. You should have seen the green dew bathed grass glittering under the warm yellow of the sun as my circle of friends made every effort to make this day a dream. And after waiting a century-long seven minutes for emancipation, I finally saw her. I felt boyishly stupid. Even after three years, my insides still melted whenever I saw her. She looked outrageously beautiful in her iced out white dress and little silver ballet shoes. I couldn’t believe how badly I wanted her and even though weddings are normally scripted, I couldn’t help miming an ‘I love you’ to her as she cruised to me. Too bad she couldn’t ignore me because I spoke to her heart. Love was thick in the air as we met on the bridge that I could feel the water steam below. Had this gone on any longer we surely would have set the place on fire.

Yeah, that is me going all emotional. At this point I don’t really mind being a wuss because it feels right. So far so good; I think we’ll be okay. Please don’t ask me how marriage life is or when we’re planning on having a baby because we’re just riding the wave. It’s more fun that way. There’s no formula to it. You wake up each day to work on your boat lest it starts leaking. There will be bad days but more importantly, there will be great moments. You fight, you make up. You love and piss each other off and through all these times you learn to respect the one you’re with.

I will tell you some truths that most married men would find uncomfortable. The reality of their pasts and the turbulence that led them to become love’s greatest martyrs. Ask any person who’s ever been married (willingly out of pure love), it is a great feeling and for a moment your life flashes before your eyes. So why did I get to the point of giving in? Why would I leave the pursuit of all the lovely women I have met in my life to settle for this [annoyingly beautiful] woman that is the love of my life?

I’ve had a good life. That, I must admit. I’m talking about dating and any kind of relationship that a man and a woman can possible have. I remember the first kiss I got was when I was about seven or something close. I can’t remember well. Here’s the interesting part, it was this girl who was about fifteen years older than I was. I’m sure she didn’t kiss me because I was this hot dwarf alpha male. I just happened to bust her kissing another girl and I got curious. So In exchange for my silence I got one wet kiss from this head buzz of a girl on knees. I’m sure she found my kiss wanting but I didn’t care. Think of it like Halle Berry trash talking you as  a bad lay. I’d be least bothered. Well, this girl was definitely not a Berry but I thought she was hot at the time. Well, kids tend to appreciate beauty in an awkward way. Boobs first and everything else is a complication. I think every kid under thirteen is a hippy on the inside coz I had this awkward crush on this girl for a long time after the experience that she became my religion. I hope my parents will skip reading this part.

Anyway moving on, sex soon came and luckily, I had it with a much older and experienced girl. Then there came the dry high school years where you just date and write lots of sob letters from ‘prison’. I always hated how we had to be locked up most of the year. We rarely saw women and to some, that was the beginning of an array of disorders that today’s man comes with. How did we even survive those four years? I think we were constantly emotionally confused and desperate but it was part of growing up. I hated school; I’ve had a few good memories of high school though.

Then came the college years where dating opportunities were in plenty but very few were actually viable.  At some point I dated this girl that hardly knew a word in english or any language that I could speak. So we just settled on facial expressions to communicate and cuss words to fight. Good thing we were both broke and she’d never been to a date so it was a good thing to my empty pockets. She was a refugee and I was a runaway and this gave us some sort of consolation. I’ll tell you about it a story or two from now. Naturally it didn’t last and we both had to move on. That was a long time ago and I skimmed through a number of relationships each time believing that I’d finally got it right till I got to a point where I wanted something serious.

That’s when I experienced my first bout of cold feet.

Why is it so hard for men to get to that point of proposing? Why do we fear commitment or making promises? There was this pal of mine who had this girl who was always pressuring him to propose because she was ‘running out of time’. Every time he took her out for a date she’d start saying yes even before they could pick their order from the menu. He found it annoying and suffocating how she kept on sending him pro marriage emails. Then came my other friend who was with his girlfriend just because she was a good lay. She couldn’t boil an egg to save her life and she lacked manners. He left her at the altar when he considered that she’d promised him a threesome on their wedding night. Why the hell would a man in his right mind marry a girl that doesn’t see the awkward nature of a threesome on the night of their marriage?

There are so many reasons why men are afraid to commit and every one of them is valid. One thing I would advise any man who hasn’t reached that commitment part of his life is, explore! Meet all the women you can find. You always believe you’ve met or seen the most beautiful woman till you venture out of your small scope. There are WOMEN in the world but like in a convenient store, they come offering different things. Most of us are afraid of losing that one that we think is the only one we have. We rush in too fast for the kill like hyenas even when there exists some doubt. Beauty alone doesn’t cut it (although it must be present). Don’t end up with someone YOU don’t consider beautiful. At the same time, this beauty that you behold must be genuine. There is character and a whole list of other things. What I have come to consider important is the realisation that the person who you end up with is and will be DIFFERENT from you in many aspects. We are raised differently and our ways and opinions don’t have to match. With that said, don’t be in a hurry to commit and most of all, take good time in knowing and developing yourself.

To prevent cold feet, it is advisable to blurt out all your secrets while still in the romance stage. Love, lust & infatuation makes a good buffer for telling one another your past sins and mistakes. It is at this stage where anything can pass and be forgiven. Never at any one point imagine your exclusive partner will forgive you for waiting until the two of you get serious to tell him that you slept with his brother. It only breeds resentment. Remember. There’s always a valid reason for every fight. Since a man and a woman are created differently, they will almost always be at war save if they choose to fit into one another’s shoes.

CAVE_girl

There are things about a man that will never change. He will always need his cave time whether married or not. A man without cave time has baggage that no woman can handle. Cave time is how a man deals with his problems and challenges. Secondly a man will always value his associates; both male and female, family or friends. I think we’re just wired to stick to and pay homage to what makes us who we are. I wouldn’t advise any woman to tamper with that aspect in a man especially during dating. If he ever catches the slightest whiff that you have reservations about the people or things he values most, he will drop you like a hot potato. I wouldn’t advise any woman to try replace any friend in a man’s life. It’s easier and much more fulfilling to create your own space in his life. Take time to understand the things you can’t change about him. Find their origin and just understand. If you can’t take the implications, then jump off that boat early.

Dear women, a real man is wired for risk. He will lay down his life for anything he finds important even soccer. The worst you can do is try turn him into a wuss because you will have to live with it. Let the man fight and get all the scars he can get. Let him dismantle everything in the house just try reassemble it however destructive he may be. Let him go fishing and drinking with the boys so he can have gripping stories to tell your future kids. The boy in a man never dies.  Avoid accompanying him to the garage or to the bar to hang out with his boys. Men hate that. You can imagine how awkward it would get if your boyfriend was chatting with your girls at the salon while you were in the dryer. I know you get what I’m trying to say. Sort that out. If you are the type that will blow your man’s phone with those surgical-location-based-trick-questions, just don’t get into a relationship. Sort that out first. You’ll turn him into a liar and he’ll resent you.

Finally, I’m no professional on issues of marriage as I’m still new in the field but I have a few things I can talk about confidently. First a wedding is not a marriage. It is an event that comes and goes in the blink of an eye. A marriage is a lifestyle and an experience that should last an eternity. It also happens to be a school where two stupid and selfish people learn to rely on each other and efficiently achieve goals as a team. Therefore is it not wiser to plan more for marriage than a wedding? Think about it. Loving and taking care of another person has more meaning and fulfilment to it.  Sometimes you will have differences and conflict but at the end of the day you learn to appreciate your individualities. Secondly, don’t force yourself into it if it’s not your time. Dear women, the whole story about a biological clock is still not good enough as an excuse to settle for someone you’re not sure about.  As for my brothers, take your time to shop and ponder on who you want to settle with. That is all.


Magna Cum Laude

magna

These days I find everything funny. I have resigned to the fact that after the rain comes the sun. After a feeding frenzy comes a satisfied fart. Every new set back in life looks like the end of it all. When you survive it, you can’t help basking in the cameras and flood lights. Suddenly, you’re an inspiration and you secretly fantasize that Hollywood will eventually do a movie based on your crap achievement. You have become this prompt status updater who wants to advise all the miserable people of the world. You’re stupidly sure that someone will learn from your over exaggerated weak attempt at own-ball-licking. You wish this moment can stretch longer like a hot mess of chewing gum. Who are you to think you’re so smart? Who gave you the right to think you’re such an entertainer?

So today I choose to tell you a story about someone I know. Maybe you’ll learn from it or at least use it to look like a smart ass in the bar. I won’t charge you. After all, this is a true story.

Mr. Macharia is the typical Kikuyu man. At 60, he is happily retired and lives in a townhouse with his wife of 35 years. He’s never stepped into a kitchen unless there was a ‘rat’ situation that his wife could not deal with. Old Macharia believes that women should always be served the softest parts of a goat, namely the tongue, liver and kidneys. That young boys should be left to fight over  the ears, knee caps and charred hoofs after everyone else has had their fill. After all, they’ll have all their lives to fend for their own goats. He believes that girls belong to the kitchen and boys belong to the fields to watch goats and hopefully get a chance to fight off  hyenas while they are at it.  He believes that a man should grow a beard unless he’s a woman. A woman should not be seen hanging around a butchery because she may be tempted to leave her man for a kilo of meat offered under the counter by the butcher. He doesn’t believe in inheritance for daughters and finally, he doesn’t trust ATM cards and light skinned petite women. In short, he doesn’t give a belch what you think. The world should have order and it would be stupid to fix or service something that’s not broken.

This one time he decided to have a drink at a popular joint in Kasarani fondly known as ‘Carwash’. With him were two young men  almost 40 years his junior who happen to be his errand boys. Drinking with younger men has never bothered Macharia. As long as they’re not childish, a man is as good as the next man regardless of their age. That is Macharia’s policy. Anyway on this particular night just as the three were about to finish their beers, two light-petite women strolled into the bar looking dolled up and supple. Their restless but confident eyes were a sure sign that they were in the bar on ‘business’. Seeing that everyone’s stare was on these wobbly-bottomed-sex-hungry looking  bad girls, Macharia did not waste any time. He jumped from his seat and escorted them to his table. Macharia has always been a winner and since he looked like a wealthy old man, the other patrons at the bar gave up trying to signal the stunner girls to their tables. You just can’t fight old money with some little cash from your ages.

He ordered wine for them and suddenly, they night seemed to liven up for the three men. Now in every situation such as this, the man that’s buying the drink has to get the most beautiful girl while the rest of the men are left to fight for the rest. In this case, the ‘young boys’ were left to fight over the ears and hoofs. Being a seasoned pick up artist, Macharia was quick to lay down his terms of engagement with this hot take home girl. He made sure that she knew the rules. All of them. That he would buy her drinks and any other refreshment she needed for the night in return for a ‘steamy session’ thereafter. She agreed whore-heartedly.

After a few hours of heavy drinking and dirty dancing with the little girls, Macharia popped his pill and declared it was time to go and sort the ‘other issue’. The young men bade him goodnight and said they would stay on with the ‘hoof’ for a little longer as they pondered over who among them was going to take her home.

Once outside, Macharia went on his cellphone to try find a cab to his favorite lodging or ‘kichinjio’ as it is known among his peers. His date Shiku however, had other better ideas. She reasoned with him it was not good to waste money on cabs and lodgings when it could be used in better ways like paying for her campus fee. Clearly, Macharia had never experienced such a smart hooker. He gave in and was eager to go because his pills were kicking in. Things were getting conveniently hard. You see for Macharia an erection is a blessing. It’s hard to come by and it is equally hard to know if it will happen tomorrow. They got into his car and drove for 15 minutes before going off road into Ngomongo. A hard knock neighborhood located in the valley behind the Moi International Sports Centre. Macharia remembered he had been here before in the early eighties to buy some land. He’d even forgotten where his plot was. It was still out there somewhere, but that will be a story for another day.

They drove through the slum occasionally shining their headlights on random hoodlums here and there. The stench of burst sewerage was overwhelming. It felt like driving through a huge ass. After a maze of turns, they reached Shiku’s house. Sorry I hadn’t mentioned her name before. In a bit you’ll know why. So Shiku lived in the middle of the slum in a one room house that stood by itself, surrounded by what appeared to have been future plans of an unfinished construction. Her house was right smack in the middle of one of the most unknown and feared neighborhoods in Nairobi like a queen bee’s pod.

By this time, Macharia was so hard he was pulpitating. He gripped Shiku’s buttocks as she fumbled with the padlock. This caused her to drop the padlock in surprise. Macharia trusted himself. He was a go getter and straight to the point. It was rumored that he had the strength of a ram when it came to women. That once he worked on a girl she’d beg for her life from the opposite side of he room wailing loudly in bewilderment. Maybe that’s how he came to be known as the ‘carpenter’. Shiku tried to grop for the padlock in the dark but had to give up as Macharia pushed her into the house in his wild uncontrollable heat of lust. He kissed her and at one point his tongue was deep in her throat but it felt like there was a struggle. He couldn’t understand why she kept on pushing him away. After all he had made it clear how it was going to go down. She slithered out of his grasp as he tried to tear off her top. They went on like this until Shiku spoke up in a rather terrified tone. She blurted that he was scaring her and that she was fearful he’d strangle her. This stopped Macharia in his tracks. He had never been accused of been rough with a woman let alone a prostitute. He had always known he was a romantic. Smooth lined in every way. Maybe it was the pilled. he fought himself down. With his erection now humbled, Macharia started comforting Shiku in low soothing tones. Telling her that he wasn’t a bad man and that he’d wait till she was ready. And as if to test him, Shiku dared him to hold her and spoon her till she fell asleep. This way they’d wake up in the morning to make love.

Macharia gave in and spent the last few hours to dawn caressing Shiku and running his mouth all over her neck and back until he fell asleep.

Macharia woke up in a start. Shiku wasn’t there. He quickly ran to the window and sighed. At least his car was still there, intact. He got out and sighed again. There she was, coming from the kiosk a few feet from the house. She had a funny scared look about her. He could feel the anger flare within him and he wasn’t about to let her give another excuse. He had bought her drinks and it had to pay off. He beckoned her to come back to the house  and do due diligence but she had other plans. Without warning, she started screaming at the top of her lungs. In the most whorish of shrieks, she shouted that he wanted to rape her and strangle her. This being a slum, a crowd soon formed and was in no time baying for Macharia’s blood. They were carrying, whips and stones, ready to smash his car and lynch him. The tension between the haves and have nots is usually a deep rooted one. Macharia had not option than to beg for his life and a chance to explain himself. He narrated how he had met Shiku the previous night and how they ended up in this standoff. Now in the hood the people’s court is usually very fair. For after hearing his side of the story they asked Shiku if it was true. She admitted it was.

Now the crowd turned on her and demanded that she pay her dues to the ‘poor man’ who had even volunteered to drive her home in his expensive Audi. They forcefully pushed her into the house and vowed that they’d only let her out if the old man had satisfied himself having her.

Inside the house, Shiku desparately tried every excuse in the book to get off but Macharia would hear nothing of it. She said she was on her periods but Macharia brushed it off saying he liked his sex messy. She tried the STD card but he countered by saying it still didn’t scare him as he had only a few years to live too. Then finally, she told him that she wasn’t a woman to which he laughed until he fell down in an epileptic giggle.

“Why don’t you remove your pants and I will go!” He dared her. “If you’re a man I’ll fire up my car and go home in peace!” He continued laughing like a mad man.

Then slowly, Shiku unclasped her skirt from behind and let it down. Then she turned round. There it was. Cello-taped to his right thigh. The biggest and longest Macharia will ever see of a man’s fire arm.

Macharia is a quiet man these days. As I said. He hates light petite human beings, both male and female…whatever.

 


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Too Late

toolateHe got out of the house and banged the door behind him in anger. He felt she didn’t know how much he had sacrificed only for her to repay him how she did. He felt the lump in his throat grow bigger and harder and he could not help but choke as tears forced their way out beneath his quivering brows. He felt bitter and he could feel the uncomfortable heat of rage churning his insides. How could she? The mother of his child and his only wife  that he had learned to love so much? She’d kept it from him all these years and now it made so much sense. He’d always wondered how it happened. No one seemed to know the details and no one seemed to care. He couldn’t bring himself to acknowledge that she was capable. This time he wouldn’t forgive her. How much more harm was she capable of? He knew this was the last straw. He walked in the rain for hours late into the night. In his hand was a bottle of whisky. The third one since he got out of the house. In his pocket were four pictures. A story of how he’d buried each of his children who’s lives were snuffed out at exactly six months of age. Strange but all the deaths were attributed to some vague ‘condition’ he still couldn’t understand. After 7 years she chose to tell him today. Her eyes were empty and she had this look that was scary and aloof. She did it. She’d pressed a pillow over their faces one by one. Their hands were to feeble to fight her off. The mother has power over her offspring. She feared that he’d stop loving her.

And as he staggered into his front door, there she was staring blankly into the white. At first he thought she was floating in the air in her murderous trance  but a flash of lighting revealed the rope behind her neck. He was too late. He knelt down as his knees gave way to a hopeless weakness. And at the far corner of the room, his son sat there playing happily with his toys oblivious of his dead mother’s dangling stunt.

Today is little Jonah’s graduation. Wait, he’s not little anymore. He’s graduating from one of the best universities in the world. As his name is read out, one can’t help wonder how hard the road has been for him. You see his father suffered a stroke just after his mother’s suicide. He suffered another stroke during Jonah’s last year in campus. Now he’s sitting at the front of the crowd where the disabled have been allocated spaces just below the dais. He can’t talk. He can only show his excitement by drooling some more. It’s been a tough 14 years for him and Jonah. It’s almost as if Jonah had understood their predicament all through the years for he worked really hard. Now he was top of his class. Little do they (father and son) know that that Jonah’s dad would die the week after the graduation; peacefully. This time, he wasn’t too late. At least he saw his son become something.

This short story is dedicated to a friend who I chose not to name. He happens to be one of the most successful young people of our time. It’s never too late to tell a story.


Blood in the Water

Just as a drop of blood in the ocean attracts a frenzy of sharks from miles away, there are certain types of man that are very magnetic to women. For the man who wishes to know how he can raise his profile, I’d suggest you read this and share it as wide as possible. To my sisters, I will try as much as possible to steer clear of hurting your feelings as I explain my view. Discussion like these usually end in a stalemate. But first, a disclaimer is necessary. I have no moral or technical authority to advise on relationships. I have come to acknowledge that the whole relationship affair is a complex algebra that we never really get to solve. It’s funny how many people are hiding in the comfort of what has come to be the biggest façade of all time. Most men are getting a raw deal when it comes to relationships. I will therefore speak solely on behalf of the boy child. I will tell you why the modern man is in trouble. I will do so by talking about every type of man I know. So back to my topic. The men that attract; blood in the water.

The good man
He is good natured and always has good intentions in everything he does. He is the guy that opens the door for you and brings you breakfast in bed DAILY. He never forgets your birthday and  every other anniversary as long as it means something to you. He listens to you and never gets tired of putting up with your flat jokes. He doesn’t mind kissing you even when your mouth is filled with the ‘ass smelling’ mixture of bread and tea. He asks you for permission whenever he has to pee or poop. What do you know! He has your picture in his wallet and office desk. He listens to mushy music and is very in touch with his emotions. This man lacks an aggressive bone in his being and seems to be liked by everyone. He is focused on you and you are sure he will never play you. Those lovely romantic texts in the middle of the day are just SO HIM. Your friends are envious of you and your puppy.

To the ladies: If you have this type of man, hold on to him tightly because he  is a fast declining species. He is going to be very good for you when you are past your mid ages [if you get what I mean]. He bottles up emotions and gets very bitter when he is betrayed. He is the most likely to turn into a bad man when his options run out. If you want to protect your sisters in future, don’t mess with this man now.

To the men: If you are this type of man, I have a mixture of admiration and worry for you. You see as much as women claim to prefer your type, they really would prefer the opposite. Correct me if I’m wrong but how many have let you down? The last one cheated on you right? The world spits on the good man. They want excitement and the drama that comes as bad boys. Women are addicted to turbulence and for some reason, they seem to like it when the boat is on the rocks. One word. Thrill. You don’t have it good boy and that will be your downfall.

The rich man
Like black oil, he is rich, attractive and very liquid. He dresses well and seems to always have an in-house barber. He is cultured and literally gives the other men in your life (including your man) a run for their money. A date with him makes you feel like a Bond™ girl. He is the man with a plan. Have you ever been to the Mara? This type of guys make it happen. Then there’s this status thing. Women will envy you. Some of them even have the nerve to tell you they prefer this guy to your ‘good guy‘ who’s back in the house doing the dishes.

He treats you to the fine things in life. What’s more, he is single and searching. He is just the perfect playboy.

To the ladies: Good luck on your find. He could be a good guy. One thing is clear, these type of men are not good for the women without ambition. At first it will be all rosy but after a while they will need to connect with like minded people. No successful man wants to be with a woman who can’t hold it down on her own. It’s just the way the world works.I’d advice that you adopt an aggressive method of protecting this man and looking out for his interests. It works like magic.

To the men: If you are this rich man, you are definitely blood in the water and the sharks are heading your way fast. Try as  much as possible to never commit until you are ‘tricked’ well. Most of they women interested in you are after your success. With that said, there are still good women out there who will be attracted to you in good faith. You just need to be aware of your surroundings. Meet and date as many women as possible. About you money, do take care of the people that really matter to you. When was the last time you got your family together?

The bad boy
This one never commits. He always has women wailing after him. He gets them, dates them, beds them and he is done. No strings attached. He spends money mostly on himself and the rest he invests in women who will give him a good return. One curious thing though, women have come to like this breed. Everything about them (bad boys) is attractive and they seem to say everything right. The thrill of being with such a guy is irresistible. The allure they posses makes them very valuable targets. There is so much loneliness and want in the world today and all you need sometimes is just a person who can ‘sort you out’ as you look for your Mr. Right. I know, I know… He probably has your underwear from last time still hanging on his fridge as a trophy. He is the guy with the prettiest women and guess what else? They don’t mind!

To the women: I know you’re probably thinking that one day you will change him. I just hope you can say listen to yourself. You are part of a statistic. Remember those thongs you saw at his place? He is definitely not a cross dresser, believe that. He is just an honest man who has decided to be honest with himself. In my opinion, he is the most straightforward guy in the spectrum. Unfortunately you know what we say about a woman who’s been around. If you have to do it, just be discreet and please don’t do it when you’re in a relationship. As boys we look out for each other. If not, we brag out loud with every conquest. You’ll be on the news soon.

To the men: Is this you? Let me just say this man to man, you are a star! You are the villain too! You are the man responsible for the shortlist. You clear the way so that the good man doesn’t have trouble in choosing a good woman. You are probably one of the few men who know how dissatisfied people can be. You help out the desperate and those in search for adventure. You break hearts and feel jerk about it. I cannot blame you though. You always state your intentions before you ‘touch and go’ so technically you are the better guy.

The runner
They call this type ‘hussler’. He is a paper chaser among other things. He most probably runs his own business. He believes ever moment spent well, means more. Be it money or relationships. He approaches life in a business sense. He will not be with you if you don’t give him anything in return. He values his friends and family more than anything else. He is the type that takes the biggest risks. He doesn’t trust anyone especially women. He is practical and he compliments rarely. When he says something positive about his woman, she takes it seriously because his approval is hard to come by. He is not an emotional creature but he happens to be strangely romantic. He believes in sticking where there is good business so he will stick and invest in a good woman. He is uncultured and doesn’t give a rat’s ass if a chicken just farted in china.

He has ambition and is always trying to win. He doesn’t rely on job security but he makes things happen all the same. He has his highs and lows.

To the women: This type of guy is one whole tricky affair. It could work or fail because he doesn’t give promises. Women are always looking for a guy who will give them security. This, is a catch 22. On a positive note, this type ends up striking gold almost always. The bible says that man will live by the sweat of his brow. This is it. Unfortunately, there are no guarantees. Be it romance or time together. This type will always come back home after straying. Please stop rolling back your eyes. If you have ever been in a serious relationship, you know how painful and necessary forgiveness can be.

To the men: You’re on to something bro but you need to tone it down a bit. Money is good and important but so are the ones you love. You can afford to surprise her ever now and then. Improve yourself by striving to be a world class man. Take time to travel and see the world. Ever wonder why the women in your life keep disappearing on you? Well, they think you don’t have the touch. You have the ambition, the money and the heart but no touch. Get it?

The self righteous guy
He is the complete ass. He believes he represents the only right that exists in the universe. He is the type that believes they are God’s gift to you. Unfortunately, you can’t resist them. For one reason or the other, they have this attraction that women can’t resist. He is neat and precise. He keeps time and is always waiting for you to mess up so he can reprimand you. He is assertive and very blunt. He is ver conscious of what people think of him. He is most likely very religious. Unfortunately this type can have very bad secret fetishes.  The reason he is always evaluating others is because he is in constant effort to hide his shortcomings.

To the women: Stay away form this guy! Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

To the men: If you are this guy: You will burn in hell.

The normal guy
This one is the guy that describes the average man. Sometimes he forgets the important days because he is one track minded. He is constantly trying to improve himself but not too hard. He is not a bad man but also not the best man. He lives an average kind of life. An occasional drink on the weekends and maybe church on Sundays. He is easy to figure out because most of men are just like him [or so you think]. These type stay in employment for a very long time. In terms of drama it’s the same old scenarios. In my opinion, he is sort of a mythical creature. Why are women then attracted to this type? Well, with this man, anything goes. He is easy to control and hold at ransom. Unfortunately, he gets played a lot because he is average and doesn’t leave a mark on women’s memories.

To the women: Unless you’re looking to settle, just stay off this guy. If you are serious about a normal relationship then he is the right candidate. He gives you peace of mind. However, you have to train him and mold him into what you want. He is a very good learner. He is also very likely to be a good father. He is as untidy as boys come but as I said, you can install in him some new software.

To the men: If you are this type, don’t worry. The universe will always look after you. You’ll get a raw deal now and then but you’ll be all right. You also need a hobby or an activity that will jolt you from your comfort zone. It doesn’t hurt to have dreams and ambition.

Conclusion
If you have something good going on for you, hold on to it. If you haven’t found the right one, hold on to your cards. It happens in the most unlikely fashion. I have so much respect for the men and women who try hard everyday to find the shoe that fits. I have much more respect to the ones that constantly repair and patch up their old shoe. Next time, I will talk about relationships and money. Is that a good topic?


TO CHEAT OR NOT TO CHEAT?

BY PATRICK WANYOIKE
The last blog post by Michael Ngigi really created a furor and got me thinking. Although the actual blog was not about cheating, many people judged the blog by its title and thus lost a very important message on self-love. Many thought that the author needed some sort of intervention, well if you just read the first few paragraphs and never really bothered to read the whole thing. Cheating it seems, is a very sensitive topic although it’s very prevalent. So this blog post is ACTUALLY about cheating. Let me first reiterate that I am not encouraging anyone to cheat. I thought about this topic and I enlisted quite a number of people who wished to stay anonymous (for obvious reasons) to give their opinions on this topic. What I got back, were a myriad of reasons that was too long to list. They gave reasons for and against cheating; here are some of the reasons they gave as to why people cheat…

1. Boredom
This was the most common reason. Most people felt that once you put time in a relationship, you lose the spark. The chemical high wears off; the sex becomes dull and infrequent. Same position, same person, and only the adrenaline of an affair can bring back those feelings of excitement. Some people just enjoy the thrill of running around and trying not to get caught. Long-term relationships have the annoying habit of making people lazy. They settle and once they do that, boredom sets in and cheating might follow.

Nobody will bring back the spark in your relationship unless you work on it. How about you try investing that time you use to cover your tracks, sneaking around and cheating to go out on a few dates and keep that spark alive? Better yet, get a hobby or work on your bucket list

2. Revenge
So he/she went and cheated on you. You ‘forgave’ them and now it’s payback. You feel betrayed, wounded and want to give them a dose of their own medicine and even the playing field. So what do you do? You go and cheat

People do dumb shit. (Pardon my French) This is one of them. When does the vicious cycle of an eye for an eye end? All this ends up doing is leaving everyone blind.

3. Because They Let You
This was a reason given predominantly by the men who felt that once they cheated, and were forgiven; felt that no matter how many times they did it, they would be forgiven. After all, you did let them get away with it the first time.

Maybe it’s time to take a stand and don’t allow anyone to take advantage of you and your generosity

4. Self-Esteem
Sex can be an instant pick-me-up; that makes women feel sexier, more beautiful and more loved. And if you are ignoring her, not giving her compliments, some other man might be doing just that. For men, who need their ego stroked constantly, nothing does that better than discovering that other women still desire you sexually. And when this happens, sometimes the temptation proves just a little bit too much

Pay attention to her, ask her questions and don’t hold back on compliments — a little flattery goes a long way. And for the ladies, it’s your job to make your man feel like a man. Or someone else will…

5. Exit Strategy
Instead of breaking up with you, they cheat on you. That way they don’t have to deal with the broken relationship, which is much harder to fix. An affair is the easy way out — or at least that’s how they see it.

Don’t be a coward, man up. If you want out of a relationship, say so. Don’t cheat.

6. Its Genetic
A report came out a few years ago that said, “In what is being called a first of its kind study, researchers at Binghamton University, State University of New York (SUNY) have discovered that about half of all people have a gene that makes them more vulnerable to promiscuity and cheating. Those with a certain variant of the dopamine receptor D4 polymorphism — or DRD4 gene — “were more likely to have a history of uncommitted sex, including one-night stands and acts of infidelity,” according to lead investigator Justin Garcia. DRD4 is the “thrill-seeking” gene, also responsible for alcohol and gambling addictions. The gene can influence the brain’s chemistry and subsequently, an individual’s behavior. The desire to cheat or sleep around seems to originate in the brain’s pleasure and reward center, where the “rush” of dopamine motivates those who are vulnerable, the researchers say.

I guess they better come up with a test for this in order we can all get tested. The science is sound but whether it affects you is a totally different matter. Look at the term used “more likely.”

Patrick Wanyoike studies Organic Chemistry at the University of Iowa.

Why You Should Cheat

I could get shot for what I’m about to say but I don’t care [Someone had to do it anyway]. I owe it to my readers to always tell them the truth about life. In the process, I risk exposing myself and losing everything I have. So today I will tell you why you need to cheat and not feel guilty about it.

I believe it’s okay to cheat. In fact, your life depends on it! How the hell does one live just committed to one individual? My head hurts just at the thought of stopping everything for one person. It is a crime of dire consequences and the already dead and miserable can bear me witness. We were not made to be committed to one person and we were definitely not made lacking the ability to love more than one.

Please control your emotions and let me finish… 

Let’s do role play. You be the troubled patient and I’ll be your wise shrink. Lie down on my couch and close your eyes. I will ask you questions that I will need you to answer truthfully.

How come you are still lonely despite having a significant other? Do you go through those moments where your life is just blank and aimless when your partner is ‘supposed’ to be there for you? Does it make you wonder why in the first place you have a boyfriend if they can’t seem to do their ‘job’? Do you think that your girlfriend is self centered and only thinks about herself 200% of the time? Is she always going on about her shoes, her moods, her job and whining almost all the time? When was the last time she asked you how you were doing? Oh I forgot, it’s always about her isn’t it? Doesn’t it get to you how she complains that you’ve changed lately?  How she likes the person you were when she first met you? Does a small part of you wish that one day she’ll break up with you and set you free?  Do you feel imprisoned? Does a smaller part of you wish you’d bust her cheating on you at some point  and just kill the relationship abruptly?

Your boyfriend only cares about soccer and is always running the town trying to make that extra buck you don’t need. Is he always shrouded in mystery? Does it feel like he’s playing you? How about his girlfriends that you always suspect and hate with your life? How come they make you angry yet you found them already in his life when you met? Why now? Would you rather he cancel his plans and spend an evening with you over a romantic dinner? Do you feel like he doesn’t understand you anymore? Do you feel like you’d want a guy who’s always there for you, caring for and pampering you? Well I got a solution for you. Cheat on him. Cheat on her. Let’s all cheat on each other and let’s just be one happy planet!

Before you go breaking the champagne and hurling fists at me for bringing out your innermost sentiments, I would like to explain what I mean by cheat.

I want you to take your mind’s eye back to who you were before you met your girlfriend. You used to have great friends, good times and very likely an active hobby. You enjoyed meeting up with those flirty cute girls every once in a while (Every man enjoys the company of  fly women). Remember how your phone always used to be busy with friends calling you up for plans? You never used to schedule any drink ups but they used to come to you. You never missed the weekly soccer practice and the quarterly fishing trips. Come Mondays, you were always upbeat waiting and anticipating for the next exciting experience. You used to be active. You used to be a player!! You were the MAN back then! Let me also guess one more thing, you were never broke! Remember?

And you my dear girl, were really pretty back then. You almost got police protection because the boys wouldn’t let you live in peace. They always waited in line to take you out for dates. You had a great body because work out was your daily devotion. Remember your love for shoes? Everyone knew you had amazing taste. You were quite the dancer too! Was it salsa classes you were taking every evening? You always said salsa was your life. When did you stop writing? Did the inspiration die? Nothing to write about anymore? It must be a long while since you went out with the girls. You always never missed the chance to travel and take pictures. What went down? Now you’re always home when he calls. Always complaining how lonely and bored you are. Forever whining about how he never makes time for you and is always running around with his friends. Look at you! You can’t even watch a movie without falling asleep in the middle of the action scenes! Poor girl, don’t you realize that the world didn’t change? Your man is still the same man you met 5 years ago. The only difference is when he came into your life, you threw your [life] out the window.

Have you ever stopped to ask yourself why you fell in love with your significant other in the first place? What did you find attractive in them that was too strong for you to resist? If my guess is right, it’s because they had other ‘loves’ in their lives. It’s what made them stand out. You loved how he was passionate about music and cooking. You liked how she struggled every weekend with her paintings even when the world knew she was a crappy painter. How she was passionate about singing even when all she could manage was a weak croak in the shower.

As humans, we are attracted to people who seem to have the good stuff going for them. People with dreams, ambitions and charisma. People with hobbies and active lives. No one wants to hang out let alone commit to boring and blank people. It’s time to get back to who you were when you first met her. It’s not going to be an easy task my brother. At first, you’ll have to do it behind her back because she won’t take your sudden change of character just lying down. In essence, you’ll have to cheat on her with the good things that made her fall in love with you. I’m talking about those things that you like doing alone. Don’t worry, it is a natural desire to want some alone time every now and then. It would be a strenuous experience to drag your woman when going to have a drink with your friends who are women wouldn’t it? Ever seen a cat fight? No? Good. Don’t be in a hurry to see one.  This ‘cheating’ does not include getting romantically involved with another person while still in a relationship. It does not involve doing things that will hurt the one(s) you love. This ‘cheating’ is about bringing back the spark and setting you and your lover free.

So you like practicing on your guitar alone? Go for it! All I’m saying is that you are more attractive when you have a life of your own. When you have some hobbies and friends that are exclusive to you. Of course there are those things you can do with your partner and have fun while at it but then there are things that define you. Stuff that reminds you that you’re still on course and in control of your life. The moment you lose what makes who you are, you lose your life and you lose all the people around you.

Take time to evaluate and appreciate yourself. When you love yourself, the world loves you back. When you love yourself, you are able to love others without effort. When you develop yourself, you are able to empower others. When you cultivate and are comfortable in your character, the world learns to lean and trust in you.

So go on player, It’s time to cheat on your partner. Don’t feel guilty about it; you will see the results soon enough.


Puss in Boots

Show me a man who doesn’t like being around beautiful women and I will show you a man who desperately needs to come out of the closet. We love beautiful women. Have you ever sat in a bar with five hot girls milling around you totally hypnotized by your silly stories? Have you ever met the type that just picks up the phone and calls you up – just to hang out even though you’re not gay? Oh, they even remember your birthday even though you hardly remember to show up for dates.

Imagine the ambience, the alluring morph of sweet smelling perfume when you’re seated in a nice lounge with this knee-buckling group of outrageously fly hotties. At one point I had these cute girl-friends who’d always walk me to my car after a lovely evening drink at the bar. Six of them. None of which I had a thing with (I’m dead serious!) Can you imagine that? Rather surprising but cool. Beautiful women can help keep the doctor away. Of course this statement has a disclaimer tagged onto it. Good looking women can heal your heart as well as kill it. They can excite you and also run your pockets dry. So every outcome depends highly on why they hang around you in the first place.

As fantastic as my story sounds, you have to know what lies beneath these beautiful faces. Let me break it down for you young tiger. I will tell you what you didn’t know about your cohort of fly women. Oh believe me, they’re not just there for your pleasure.

Meet my friend Lala, a dizzyingly hot girl who seems to have everything going for her. She is wealthy and successful and she’s only 24! She is deputy vice president or a rotary club and she is paid well for it. But wait, she never used to be like this two years ago! From what I remember, she’d failed miserably in her high-school examinations and she had this unfortunate-but-true reputation of being a blond. She never used to be interested in anything else other than her looks and HER looks. She also had this tendency of telling her friends that she wanted it all! The power, the fame, recognition and all those punchy words ‘liberated’ women use for self motivation (no pun). So the other day, she called me up for lunch and I was happy to join her. I’ve known her all my life and to some extent, I value her as my small sister. I didn’t wait to ask her how she’d ‘blown up’ in just two years! These were her words…

“I know I’m not smart and I may never get any real man to be interested in me. I’ve known that all my life. So today I’ll tell you why I own my house and drive a 6 liter car all in my name. Remember my aunt Terry? The one with a set of cute twins and the adorable husband? Well, that ‘adorable husband’ called me up one day just after finishing school and told me he had an internship for me in his business. I was to work as his personal assistant just to have experience for the time spent before joining campus. A few months into the job, he started acting funny. He would tell his staff that we were going for a meeting and we would end up on a date at a fine restaurant. One thing led to another and eventually we started having sex. I felt guilty all the while and on several occasions I considered telling my aunt what we had been doing. He cautioned me against it and well… he started paying me and buying me gifts in exchange for my silence. And in no time, I started having my own things! I moved out of home and rented an apartment in a nice neighborhood. I won’t lie, I loved every moment of it! I felt powerful, strong and totally in control of my life. At some point, I stopped feeling guilty and even feeling sorry for my aunt. I figured that all men were the same and it was a fact of life. So eventually my aunt found out and together with my ‘employer’ they decided to let me go and cut off my ‘supply’.

I was distraught but I had learnt one big lesson in life. A girl’s got to get what she wants! She just has to realize it’s all in front of her.

Then started my journey. I got a high paying job as a personal assistant to the CEO of a multinational corporation without any qualifications. I am a beautiful woman; I knew he wouldn’t resist calling me that evening after meeting at the Jockey Pub. I got the job in a week flat. My work? Well, people of his calibre run very busy lives. They need someone other than their wives to run their professional and financial lives. Someone who knows how to keep secrets and never gets attached emotionally. I was in charge of what he wore and what he ate. I was responsible for stating how much money he would send his wife despite her protests that I was up to no good. I changed his company’s open door policy to ‘closed door policy’ if you know what I mean. Everyday at unpredictable intervals, I would lock us in his office and ‘work on him’. I would make him do the things I was sure his wife would never do. One day he would open the door at lunch and find me spread on his large mahogany table in sexy lingerie and panty hose already served up to his taste. On other days he’d find a ‘nurse’ that had come to his rescue after hearing he was suffering from a ‘cold’. I nearly drove him crazy but I didn’t care. He eventually left his wife and started being clingy. I hate attachments so I knew it was time to move on. I needed to elevate my status and power so it was on to the next one. I love sex and I love dominating strong men. I am addicted to the havoc my lifestyle causes.

My current boyfriend is a diplomat. He’s a good guy but not really my type. He’s taken me on trips around the world but I’m still not impressed. I need more! He’s leaving his wife, I hear. Too bad. I wish she knew that he likes being tied up to the bed and tortured with candle wax. Poor thing, she’s just a nice lady with a big heart and a very small grasp of all matters sexual. Anyway, you should know that I am not a whore and I am not looking to be attached anytime soon. I’m just working towards my dreams like everyone else. I am no different than the policeman who kills on duty or the teacher who inspires a student that later becomes an intelligent and elusive serial killer. Let’s just say, in the process of living life, there’s bound to be collateral damage. We call it nature. For every thing you gain, someone has to lose it.

My ‘former bosses’ now in high places chose me for vice president at the rotary. With me at the head, they know I will have them ‘looked after’. I have a group of young hot women like me that I have been tutoring. What’s the use of a ‘gift’ if you can’t pass it on anyway? As for you, I am happy that you’re living a normal life. I respect that. You’re one of my few true friends that I will forever be grateful to. Should you find someone you really like, just let me have a look at her just to make sure she’s not like me. Look for someone who is worth her salt and not yours.”

•••

Aids is real. Think first. – A Day in Dog’s Life™


Till Bed Do Us Part

Today’s publication is a sequel to The Bed which remains one of the most read articles in my blog’s short history. A big thank you to the reader that chose to ask my opinion on this issue. I won’t say your name.

I will tell you two storiess. The first is heart breaking while the second is just a natural case of happenstance. We spend a whole lifetime planning and painting fantastic imagery of our future but sometimes [if not always], fate has a different plan. Some call it Murphy’s law. I call it life. One will never be experienced in matters of the heart. The script changes constantly and heartbreak is the constant threat that always lingers in the dark episodes of our existence.

My friend Lilly got married at 25 on a sunny friday morning. It had just rained the previous week and the landscape everywhere looked beautiful and colorful. Her parents were very happy and proud. By then, it was an open secret that Lilly had fought the ‘good fight’ and was now being betrothed a pure and virgin bride. To cap it all off, Sam, her boyfriend of 5 years was also ‘pure’ and free of scandal. If this marriage was a garment, the tag must have read MADE IN HEAVEN on the collar.

You see, they’d both met at church and had similar tastes in almost everything. They both believed in the sanctity of a romantic relationship. They had made a covenant with God, their parents and themselves never to engage in sex before marriage. On this morning of their wedding day, tears rolled down the cheeks of almost all that were present at the plush, well manicured gardens. It was a sweet union. When the minister pronounced them man and wife, they kissed romantically and it was evident they had ran out of breath in the tight grip their love, diligently earned. And as the young maids showered confetti and rice on the love birds, the young ladies present at the wedding fell into a swoon and could not hide their envy. It was beautiful.

It’s been 6 months now and Lilly is crying in the kitchen while making dinner. On the kitchen table lies the lovely red roses that Sam sent to her office earlier during the day. She’s crying because she doesn’t know what to do. Sam has always been a good man. He makes her feel special and Lilly is sure he loves her. But this is not the reason why she is crying. She is sad. There is something about Sam that she can’t get out of her chest. Since they got married, they’ve only had sex 3 times and they both hated it. It was short, painful and devoid of all emotion that should ideally come with making love. Sam preferred to turn of the lights while they were at it and cautioned her against making any noises. Needless to say, the sex was over in the blink of an eye and he was snoring at the far end of the bed in no time. He seemed not interested in making love and this made Lilly feel inadequate and worthless. In the morning’s after, he wouldn’t touch her or kiss her good morning and was out of the house before first light. It felt like she disgusted him after sex.

She feels wasted for all those years she kept herself pure for marriage. According to Sam, sex ‘is not everything’. He prefers to cuddle and watch a movie over a nice meal. What I’m trying to say is, Sam has never had a chance to ‘practice’ and is therefore not confident with himself. He is a proud man and will not pause at the possibility of learning the art of making love. What a classic case of marriage made in heaven and a bed made at the carpenter’s. For now,  Lilly is holding on.

“It’s only been 6 months” she consoles herself. She shudders at the thought of living like this for a lifetime. Meanwhile, onlookers look at Lilly and Sam with envy wishing they too, had a marriage as blissful as this one. They look so cute together! MADE IN HEAVEN.

Meanwhile in downtown Nairobi,there’s a couple fighting at the bus stop. It’s Sharon and George. They call each other names and cuss loudly and in a short while, they are arrested by city council askaris and bundled in a waiting ‘cage van’. They’re charged with disturbing public order and fined a hefty amount each. After working together to contribute the sum, they’re let out in an hour. Once out, they kiss and make up and are laughing in no time. It’s been 10 years on and off in their  relationship so they’re used to this. Marriage is an issue that none of them wishes to discuss. They both believe that once they get married, the fights will get worse and they might end up splitting for good. In their opinion, marriage just complicates things.

Sharon and George have a great sex life. They both love exploring and learning new stuff. Weather in public or private, they show their affection fearlessly and passionately. They’re also addicted to what the new world calls ‘make up sex’. So most of their fights have a happy ending and are therefore petty. They play and live as if it’s always their last day alive.  At the bus stop, they were fighting because a pretty girl had said hi to George and Sharon had a hunch that the two had slept together before. Women can tell these things you know. Other than these ‘small’ misunderstandings every now and then, Sharon and George are generally a happy couple. They could live on sex alone, or so it seems. Each one of them has tried a different dish on several occasions but it seems this one still suffices at the end of the day. A wedding can wait. For now, they can love freely and work on their ‘imperfect’ relationship learning and changing. In the meantime,  the bed is the least of their worries. They’re doing just fine.

These two cases are just a a few that caught my eye. I have also seen many instances where both approaches have worked and the couples have enjoyed long healthy relationships. Most of us have been brought up on rules based on morality and religion but somewhere along the way, we get to realize life is real and very practical.

And finally, there are two people somewhere in the world who feel it is time to make a bold move. Be careful what you wish for. Everything has a price. One big question though; will you shop around and test before you buy or will you buy first and test when you get home? In both cases, the shop DOES not accept returns for goods once sold. Both scenarios have advantages and disadvantages but most of all, they are real. For once I hope you will not base your decision solely on religion or hearsay. For this one, just do you. And as for the guardians of religion and doctrine, maybe it is time you engaged your flock in discussion and reason. I believe more lives can be changed positively this way.

Let it be known that there’s definitely more to a relationship than just sex. There is love, work, money and family to consider too. However I chose to talk about sex because it’s what no one wants to talk about in honesty.

Remember, as you make your bed, so you must lie in it.

Happy Valentine’s Day.


King of Tot

I haven’t been blogging for a while now and it’s because I’ve been trying to figure out a way of changing my writing style. I have reached that stage in writing where I have to be careful with every word I say. I have to consider who is going to read my stuff and what opinion they’ll have of me after getting my message. My back’s against the wall and I hate it. I have become to conscious and always under threat. I long for the the days I was just new to blogging and I could be honest about my life and my opinions. I feel strangled and my inner self is dying to breathe. I am a free man and I want to feel that freedom burning in my veins. I want to go back to the first place I started from. I want my readers to talk to me openly like before. I want a reaction. I want the anger to rain on me from my readers who hated my opinion. I need some action. Let me attempt to make you feel something again. To hate me or love me is what I want you to do. I need to know what you think and I need you to express it and not hate yourself for it.

Today I want to talk to you about the boy child who after years of neglect is now almost fading into extinction. We paid to much attention to the girl child that we forgot the other child. The boy child has become the black sheep and his chances in life have dwindled to crumbs. The boy child has no home to go back to nor does he even get a chance to enjoy a home cooked meal let alone a warm bath.
You will often find him on the street just walking. If not there, you will find him in the bar drinking himself wet. He is afraid to go out and become a man. He longs for the days when he was the leader of the pride. When a man was supposed to be the protector and provider. When he would wake up early to fend and always came through for his family and friends. When the world loved him for who he is, not his material wealth and certainly not for who his friends are. This boy child is your father. He is your brother. Your friend. Your man.

This post is dedicated to the men and women who have stifled the boy child’s chances of finding his destiny. Most importantly, this post is dedicated to the boy who endures suffering for love. The man that is trampled on but still hangs on to the people he loves no matter how small the chances of reciprocation are. This man needs to be free. He needs to know there is a way out. It’s part of manhood. the faster you opt out, the faster you heal an move on. Meanwhile, we continue to suffer. The strong ones break free. The weak ones suffer in silence and make alcohol their friend.

There is a man who has been sitting alone in the dark for the past six months as he waits for his woman to come home from hanging out with ‘her girls’. His days are gloomy and uneventful and his stub shows that he has seen better days. Tot after tot of rum, he wonders why he still hangs on. He has never been happy since she came home a ‘different’ person. He hates being the one who’s always the complainant. He hates being told that he makes too big a deal of the fact that she’s never there. He has seen her being dropped off by these ‘girlfriends’ too many a time. From the moment she walks in the door past midnight to the time they both leave for work early in the morning, this man knows he is sailing on a sinking ship. He still can’t figure out why she stays or why he stays. He wonders why this situation stays and looks like it’s here to stay for eternity. Does she get gratification from making him suffer? He hates it when she threatens to break off every time he brings up a concern with the aim of working things out. He just wants a normal life. Must relationships be this hurting? Must he always be dealing with drama? Does he really need all this tension? Another tot.

You my friend, are that man. You probably don’t sit in the dark waiting for your woman to come home, but maybe deep in your heart you can feel that your relationship is draining you. You love her but it feels more like you’re loving a ‘thing’ like a car that can’t love you back. She has become a stranger to you and doesn’t seem to notice your presence. How did it get to that point? Let me remind you. Remember the first time you saw her? She was everything you ever wanted. She knew your mind and knew you by heart. You felt connected even when you stayed apart and had busy schedules. The love was real and innocent. You gave up all your prospects to be with her. Could this be the mistake you did? I could argue that you started looking less attractive because your heart settled. Theory? Truth? Remember how you boldly told off your women chasers because you’d finally found the woman that you were ‘meant to be with’? Remember the fast life and unpredictable fridays? What happened to the man who was helpless flirt and a success magnet? When did you become a wuss? You dress like an old man now. You ditched cologne because you don’t need to impress anymore. You get home super early because you abandoned your friends to be ‘serious’ with life. It worked well at first because she praised you for being the best man in her life. She reciprocated your love and for a moment it seemed like a fairy tale.

Then out of nowhere she’s suddenly ‘busy’ and always ‘tired’ to do something different. A man will rarely scroll through his woman’s phone but suddenly she has these strange phone conversations to which she answers in mono syllables. Too many texts pounding her phone to which she laughs or smiles as if you’re the one flirting with her. Suddenly she’s sixteen. She wants to get noticed even though you’ve always sang her praises in all honesty and consistency. Whenever you’re out with her, you can’t help noticing her eyes wandering off every now and then because she’s constantly distracted. To her, you’re not funny anymore because you can feel in in the way she laughs sarcastically at your jokes. She also has new friends that for one reason or the other, you haven’t met even after a year of hearing about them. You blame yourself. You fear that maybe you got boring and started pushing her away. You want the truth? You didn’t. You just happened to fall in love with the wrong woman and you need to mitigate misery. You need to run. Dear mouse please down another tot and allow me to turn you into a lion.

Here’s the deal. It takes two hands to clap not one. It is logical to say that if your loves you, she will tell you when she feels something is going wrong. You know how you do every night she comes home late? How about that guy you keep telling her to stay away from? the reason why you raise these issues is because you love her and you feel something when she doesn’t care about you the same way. Look at yourself brother! You fear calling it quits because you worry it could jolt her into depression. Or is it that you fear you won’t survive yet another break up in life? Really? Think again. Would you rather THIS for the rest of your miserable life? People die of a broken heart but worry not. YOU can’t die because yours has been broken for a painfuly long time. She doesn’t care how you feel anymore. She doesn’t show any signs of working through love’s challenges. It almost feels like you are not her first choice anymore. Like someone else is having the best of her. Maybe you’ve been praying about it. Have you considered opting out as an answer to your prayers? The thing about love is that it never shows in grey. Only in black or white, never in between. You’re either in love or you’re not. Take another tot but this time, let it be your last. Alcohol will never teach you how to tie your shoe laces. It numbs and gives solace to the man who wants a temporary lie. A man who knows he will succumb to the wounds of misery.

It is foolish and ignorant that one would sit on the couch in a burning house, screaming and yelling for help while the door remains widely ajar. You can run….no….you can walk out. Let the house burn but save your life. You can always build another house. It’s easier than reconstructing scalded skin. Walk out and start again. Go buy new clothes and a good shave. Call up your best buddies and open up to them fearlessly (it could happen to anyone). Open your eyes and see the beauty that you left behind. The thrill of a date is what you will need to jumpstart your ailing heart. Don’t get into something serious any time soon. At least try your best to fight it off unless it is outrageously convincing. Work harder and make more. A huge chunk of breakups are directly related to the lack of money. Work on yourself. Your heart needs a make over. Pray harder and connect with God again. It is said that a man needs to know where he came from if at all he wants to know where he should go.

Lastly, if you are that person that is wasting time for this unfortunate boy child, it’s time to quit. You also need a new beginning. Maybe go back to the basics and just re-evaluate your expectations. You are human too and that means you deserve true love too. Only that true love is a two way thing. If you can’t handle the chili in the food, just don’t risk a bite. Don’t be the one that only takes and never gives. The more you mistreat this boy child, the more he becomes less of a man and more of an animal. Save your self and save the the King of Tot.


Beware of who you marry….

The first time I met Maurice Matheka I couldn’t help noticing how easily he handled women. He’s one guy who always fascinates me in the way he understands the female psyche. He simply knows what women want. So when time comes for you to have a bridal shower just make sure you call this guy. Trust me. Not that I’ve been to a bridal shower but as a guy, I’ve learnt quite a bit from this brother. Go on, have a read and prove me wrong. I dare you. I think he is one brilliant orator and I hope that one day, I will be great enough to share a stage with him. To my readers, happy year one from A Day in Dog’s Life™. Leggo! – Michael Ngigi, A Day in a Dog’s life™

•••

By Maurice Matheka

Dear Maurice,

Where do I begin?

I am a wife and a mother of 5 children, my youngest is 14 years old. I was married at 22 and have been married for 28 years now. In those 28 years I have been through thick and thin with my husband regardless of what he throws at me I have stood by his side not because of the children but because I married for life, I am a big believer in till death do us part and will stick with it as I am not about to break my vows. Now in regards to my husband he has always been a traditionalist and that is something I have had to adapt to but it was not easy especially during our first 4 years of marriage.

When we met I was a very out going woman with plenty of friends and hobbies, needless to say he stripped me of those pleasures of life. He is a loving man who provides for his family and when it suits him he will treat me like the most special woman but unfortunately that is where the good side ends.  On our fourth year of marriage I came to find that he had an affair with my neighbour’s house help and got her pregnant. She was fired from her work and my husband did his part and decided to support the baby, which he still continues to do to date. I was upset as you can imagine and hated him for a while. I moved out to my friend’s place for 5 weeks but I later forgave him for his adulterous actions. Another part of the saga that annoyed me was that he defended his actions stating that in his culture he is allowed to have multiple wives and that I should not fuss about it because I would always be his first wife. Maurice I painfully took his words and despite the hurt I was determined to maintain my family no matter what.

Maurice asks,

It’s probably an obvious question but did you by any chance identify the kind of man you were dating before you married him; did you sense his traditionalist character?

She replied,

Yes I knew the kind of man he was and still is. I knew about his believes in regards to the family unit. I knew that his extended family led a certain life style where men married more than one wife so in a way I knew it may affect me however I also thought that he would discuss it with me and not impregnate a house help behind my back. I am very well aware that men who practice polygamy will always consult with their existing wife or wives before they introduce another woman to the family I never got that memo. Living with my husband has been an experience and I have learnt a lot about male unorthodox practices and behaviours.

Maurice’s comments,

You have been married long enough to assess your man and you have clearly accepted his character and the actions that come with that character, you also imply you know men pretty well, so at this point I must admit I am puzzled because I haven’t determined what it is you need from me?

She replied,

Maurice to my horror I recently found out from my husband’s close friend that he has 2 more children with the house help. I then visited her at her upcountry home and she confirmed the same. He built her a 3 bedroom house and apparently over the years he has been visiting her and spending weekends with her. In my mind it all added up because I prodded information from her about dates and she confirmed a lot. He supports her and guess what? His family knew about it, and behind my back she was traditionally confirmed as a second wife and life went on as if I never existed.

But here is the icing on the cake. While we were candidly chatting she happened to mention that in 2008 my husband acquired himself a young 19 year old girl from his home area and she has a 2 year old baby. It is alleged that he is in the process of confirming her. She is currently living with her parents but from what I hear he has received blessings to marry her and educate her through her campus years.

Maurice asks,

I must ask, is your husband wealthy? I mean, in this day and age it’s not easy to keep 3 wives.

She replied,

Well the man has a full time job as a company MD and 2 personal businesses so I guess he can afford the life style he chooses to live. I am a house wife but I also run a successful business which was funded by my husband over a decade ago.

I am lacking companionship, a loving full time husband, a man who only wants to be with me because I never thought I would share my man yet I am doing it everyday.

Maurice asks,

Do you really truly still love your husband or are you there because it’s an easier option to maintain status quo, the devil you know syndrome?

She replied,

Maurice I love that man. Whenever he comes home he finds a cooked meal waiting and I still share a bed with him and we still share intimate moments. During that period I shut out all other thoughts and enjoy every minute spent with him. I know I sound odd but love is a powerful feeling and I can’t ever leave him despite all the things he has put me through.

I want to tell him that I know about his other women and that I don’t care about that part of his life but he now needs to only provide for them and become exclusive to me. I need to feel like the woman he married. I am a very balanced and practical woman I cannot change what has occurred but I would like to believe that I have a future with my husband exclusively. I still have a lot of love and passion for him, so how can I convert him for him to see that I am all he needs in a woman?

Maurice replies,

My dear I would love to tell you that your current irregular relationship status will change in time but let’s review the facts. You have been married for a long time and from the beginning you knew the character you were marrying. Playing the supportive wife you allowed for things to escalate over the years. Your husband got another woman pregnant early in your marriage and in my opinion I believe there was never an honest heart to heart between you to share and establish a foundation of honesty and trust that would limit a repeat occurrence hence the additional kids with his first mistress, if I may call her that, and now there’s a third woman with child.

I believe that your husband suffers from a kind of narcissistic personality disorder. Let me shed some light to this behavior; your husband has worked hard to acquire not only a top management post but also 2 businesses. He craves ‘prestige’ and his wealth gives him that. He also craves to feel like a man which comes in many forms, in his case he has ‘power’ as a boss and he maintains 3 women and unlike the common trend in many men he makes sure that all his women are well catered for. And that he does not do out of the goodness of his loving heart, some may disagree but that’s my opinion. He may be the most loving man on the planet but his compulsive nature drives him to believe that he can love many women. My last hypothesis is that your husband at some stage of his life may have experienced a state of feeling inadequate and formulated a strategy to work hard, acquire what he needed to feel that he has conquered the World and you have been part of that development.

You can try and convert him as you put it, but I don’t see that path bearing any fruit. Your only viable option is to sustain the life you have led with your husband, cherish those moments you described and endeavor to make them as regular as possible. You have chosen to stay with him so as a practical woman it’s now your turn to strategize on ways of keeping your husband occupied.

Follow his blog on http://mauricetherapy.wordpress.com


Two Things and the ‘Thing’ in Between

“Let me tell you how you measure a man. When his world starts to fall, see how tall he stands. It matters not how many times you fall down, what matters most is how many times you rise. Mistakes build character. Character takes you places money can’t” – T.I.

•••

Remember that long joke in popular culture that was based on Two Things? No? Let me remind you.

In this world there are two kinds of people. The haves and the have nots. Among the haves there are two types of people. Those that are wealthy and those that are successful. Among the successful; two things. Those that give a hoot and those that don’t. With those that give a hoot; two things. They are either driven by principles or they are grounded on values. Principles and values have distinct characteristics but are often divided by a thin line therefore, they can be easily confused.

And so today I will tell you a few differences between these two based on my perspective. Walk with me.

• Principles inspire confidence, Values breed trust.
Helena is sitting at the Cafe with one big issue on her mind. She is in love with two men but can’t get to pick which one to fall for and which one to give the ‘friendship speech’. She is in a tricky situation. You see the first guy Patrick, is a professional who’s star is on the rise. He is one of those individuals constantly getting recognized for a job well done. His pay slip speaks well of him too. He is the kind of guy who is neat beyond comment and the type who will never accept his woman to pay for anything. He is somewhat mechanical too. He doesn’t forget dates, be it birthdays or a promise to call at a certain time. He is reliable. He is also very predictable and has a fixed schedule that he usually cannot break. He works like a donkey and his goal is to be a fellow at the institute of business blah blah blah…

Then we find Frank who even now as were talking is entertaining kids at the bouncing castle  behind the restaurant. He has this childish side that makes him look like a  nine year old. He has a good job in one of the big companies but always has time to play. He loves cars and everything that comes in the ‘good times’ tag. Frank forgets faces and dates easily so he’s always in a fight with everyone when it comes to memory. He is a very intense and emotional creature. He knows what to say and exactly when to say it. When Helena needs to talk, she calls him and everything turns out alright in the end. According to Frank, love and family come first. He has always been there when Helena needed him. He is not well off financially compared to Patrick who is HUGE in the corporate circles. Not a big problem though, according to Helena. Patrick has principles. Frank has values. Helena has confidence in Patrick yet she trusts Frank more. She just needs to choose one [sigh].

• Principles are based on fear, Values…passion
Lately Lisbeth has noticed a change in her boyfriend’s behavior. Joe doesn’t have time for her anymore. He doesn’t call as much as he used to and has stopped calling her the lovely pet names that she was used to. She in turn has decided to sit back and wait for him to come round. After all, it is in her principles not to be the ‘beggar’ in any relationship. She is beautiful and is always warding off suitors. She is a proud woman and doesn’t need to chase after any man. But is this really the case? Or is she just afraid that everything might come tumbling down when she raises her concern? Her boyfriend is very unpredictable and confronting him is akin to a suicide mission. She has always suspected him of being unfaithful but would rather die than confront him. She lives in constant fear. But she can’t afford to show it. She’s also a control freak. She’d rather look strong and focused than face her demons. Unknown to her,  Joe decided to back off after he noticed she didn’t have time for him. They love each other intensely but can’t seem to find common ground between fear and passion. Both are natural reactions, but one needs to conquer the other.

• Principles thrive in pride, Values in humility
After 35 years of working hard and making the right investments, Mr. Robert is finally retiring. He is rich and has a tidy stash that will enable him to live comfortably for the rest of his life. He always has to point this fact out in all his conversations. His children are all grown and are successful professionals. But wait, it’s been 2 years since he last spoke to them!

Next door, we have Bobby the family man. He works as the president’s butler at State House. For the past 20 years the routine has been the same. Every morning, he bundles up the whole family in a van and volunteers to drop everyone off at work and school. He loves his family and they love him back. He is also retiring in a few years. Of course he’ll not end up as rich as Mr. Robert but he will be comfortable nonetheless. His family too.

Let it be known that principles and values are different in nature, but work exceptionally well together. All we need to know is how to find the perfect blend between the two. This blend varies from one person to the next.

Principles create history, Values….heritage.

Principles are based on the past and present. Values are timeless.

Principles are based on goals. Values…vision.

•••

Dedicated to my sister whom I love with my heart. Gortoz a ran – I will never stop waiting for you.

“When someone invites you to a wedding feast, do not take the place of honor, for a person more distinguished than you may have been invited. If so, the host who invited both of you will come and say to you, ‘Give this person your seat.’ Then, humiliated, you will have to take the least important place. But when you are invited, take the lowest place, so that when your host comes, he will say to you, ‘Friend, move up to a better place.’ Then you will be honored in the presence of all the other guests. For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.” – Jesus Christ


The Hostage

If wishes were horses, we’d be thinking ponies all day. But the government would’ve found a way to tax every person with a pony so in essence, we’d still not be able to ride. Freedom is the big word of today’s world but I can’t help wondering, is there any such thing as freedom? Can one ever be free? Are you truly free?

A mother
Sally is the ‘proud’ mother of one brat. As you can see, I have used proud, mother and brat in one sentence. Let me tell you why. Sally is a kind hearted person. She does good by everyone and is always careful not to hurt anyone’s feelings. She has a soft heart too. I don’t know if I’m right but I strongly think that good people always get a raw deal. First her family banished her when they found out she was pregnant. Then her boyfriend; the father of the child disappeared when he learnt he was going to be a father. She was left with her only friend, her child who now has turned into a terrorist.

After her series of misfortunes, Sally vowed to love her child with all her soul. She swore never to beat the child however bad the mistake. She advocates for dialogue, not ‘violence’. She believes discipline on a child has to be instilled in a ‘discussion’. Now the boy child is four years and can control his mother however he wants. His threat? He will jump from the cupboards and kill himself if his mother does not yield to his demands. That is among the numerous other threats equally creative. It’s Sally’s worst nightmare that her child should take his own life. So she gives in to his every little demand. Now the boy lives on chocolate, soda and fries. He can hardly fit in his cot. Little does Sally know her ‘only boy’ will one day beat her up and eventually get killed by a mob at 17 for sodomizing a young boy. For now, she doesn’t know what to do. She is being held hostage by a 3 foot man.

A professional
It’s the third time David has woken up in the middle of the night sweating. The nightmares won’t go away. The voice of his boss is still echoing in his head telling him he has been fired. Getting fired is his worst nightmare. With his life riddled with debt and the fact that he is currently taking care of his ailing parents, David can’t afford to lose his job. He can’t enjoy a moment even at work because he has to be in ‘the right books’ with the management. He overlooks the fact that he is always receiving invitation letters from the best companies in his field. He also happens to be the only employee in the organization who has won the most awards of distinction for his work. His boss and the management treats him like trash. Any normal person would move to a better opportunity but not David. He’s being held hostage. Not by his company nor by his boss but by his fears.

A Lover
Every time Leila gazes into Kamara’s eyes, she starts crying. When she does, Kamara leans forward and kisses her, holding her tight in the embrace of love. He knows she is crying because she’s in love. Her tears move him; an assurance that their love is real. He loves her deeply and would like to spend every  moment of her life with her. This is the one type of woman that Kamara knows he’ll never find anywhere else. He’s right on that note but wrong on the reason why she is crying.

You see Leila is a hostage. She knows deep down that Kamara is not the one for her. She knows she may never be completely happy with him. He is not the one her heart yearns after. So she is crying because she wants to leave him. Only that it’s not as easy as one would expect. Kamara is a good man. Kind hearted and very romantic in every sense of the word. He does everything right. In the one year that they’ve been in love, they’ve hardly fought. He is level headed, caring, considerate and committed. Leila has never had any reason to doubt Kamara. He is always near. She on the other hand has had her share of life’s drama. Just when she thought she’d found true love (Kamara), she started feeling unsettled. This is not a life she can get used to. She unfortunately, thrives in chaos. It is something she has not accepted  but that’s the underlying issue. She needs someone different. A rogue. Someone she can fall out with and make up every now and then. For now, she is held hostage by her conscience. She doesn’t want to hurt a good man.

An Idiot
Today I’m seated in court listening to the proceedings against my friend who has been charged with staging his own kidnapping and extortion. He is guilty. The police traced his cellphone only to find him transmitting from a lodging in the downtown district of the city. I can’t help asking myself why anyone would want to become or even play hostage. I’ve hated the times I’ve been held hostage by someone, something or a situation. in my view, freedom comes only when you decide it is time. What’s more, you don’t have to live on your knees if you can afford to live on your feet. Make it your ambition to free yourself today. No one and nothing should hold you hostage, not especially when you can do something about it.

•••

Early this week I got a message from a friend I haven’t spoken to in years. They were commending me on my writing. Thank you. Here’s to the good old times.


Jacking Off

First of all, I would like to send my warmest regards to all the readers who sent me hate mail in the past thirty-four days of my absence. I feel embarassed for letting you down and disappearing despite having promised to always update my blog on a regular basis. At the same time, I am humbled that you were following my blog all along. I decided to take some time off after I noticed I kept on writing negative things about life’s experiences. I honestly thought the break would change my paradigm and I would come back with lots of positive energy and all the other flowery things that come with it. Then we’d go ahead and talk about a happy world with nice people who in the end,  get to live happily ever after.   Well, I’m back and I have sad news. Nothing’s changed. Life is hard and everyday is a new challenge. You can’t run from this fact unless you choose to end it [get my drift?]. Call the waiter, order whatever you want; I’ll have a double syrup and Krest™.

I quit Jack & Coke. Yes I did, and I don’t think I will ever miss the drink. I think it’s a hopeless drink and it’s overrated. I am embarassed that I even dedicated three articles to the damn soot-smelling poison from Tennessee! It’s funny  because I never thought a day would come when this drink would taste like bile in my mouth. That’s just life. And in the process of living, we learn. In my short relationship with Jack & Coke I learnt probably the biggest lesson of my life. Letting go. Also now known as Jacking Off. I invented the phrase just incase you’re wowing at how genius the term sounds and you happen to be a literature Nobel Prize judge looking for new talent (hint). Let’s talk about your life. Let’s explore all the valid reasons why you need to Jack Off from the things you are so attached to; I’m talking about those things that drain you and limit your potential. Everyone wants to be happy but only a few people have what it takes [the freedom] to BE happy.

You like your job but don’t necessarily love it. Mondays are a nightmare. Your boss is an eye-sore. Routine. Whoever invented routine? Was this how a JOB is meant to be? Why is your heart weary and your body exhausted? It’s right in front of you. This is not supposed to be your destiny. Remember when we were young? Two-thirds of all young boys wanted to be pilots in the future. Only a handful in a million actually even became air stewards. Now, our house of cards keep toppling over. You can still be a pilot, but in another life. You’re stuck with your lousy job and this ugly cycle seems like it will go on for five lifetimes. YOU NEED TO JACK OFF! It’s never too late to dream again. Pick yourself up. Slowly, try to find out what else you can do that will give you satisfaction. Don’t rush to quit your job without a back up plan. When Jacking Off, you need to go easy on yourself. After all, you want maximum satisfaction in the end right?

In this day and age, most people in my age group have more than three ex-es. We have lived such turbulent love lives that these ex-es have somehow become a permanent part of our lives. In fact, I would be right in assuming you are where you are in your love-life because of your ex. Hate me. Hate your boyfriend’s ex. You can’t change the past. You just have to deal with it by learning from it. However, there is always that likelihood of the looming ex. Awfully bad for business I tell you. Here’s the thing. You have a steady partner who you love and are happy with. Everything in your life is going well. Why the hell would you want to mess that up by involving yourself with your ex? Why did you break up with them in the first place? Wasn’t that hurtful enough? Now you are almost falling over trying to hide your phone from your woman. You pick up calls in private because you’re too conscious that you could press the speaker by mistake and give yourself away. Curiosity is a good excuse but lame none the less. Fire is good when it gives warmth but consuming when it burns. Love your own and let the mirages entertain you at a safe distance. You need to Jack Off that ever lingering ex.

Finally, a habit. What is it that you keep doing that messes everything up? Could it be your alcohol? Drugs perhaps? Laziness no? Whatever it is, consider what we keep losing due to our bad habits. We lie through our teeth, no wonder the truth is a fairy tale! We love money so much that passion for work is a fleeting fantasy. We love what we can’t get. What we get we can’t love. We despise that which is meant for us. You want the pretty girl in the music video so much that you can’t stand waking up next to your own; beautiful, virtuous and ever loving you woman. Our lives are a constant rat race. We chase after the wind hoping to catch the rain. We get sad when we can’t go out to enjoy the sunshine yet we still refuse to leave the comfort of the rocking chair in the house. For once, let’s be selfish and think about the things that would make us happy. It’s an uphill battle but it CAN be won. Jack Off all those those things that prevent you from fulfilling your destiny.

Dedicated to my great friend Nishan in Ethiopia who sadly, has stopped believing in a positive destiny. A Jack Off is in order.


I Do Coke. I Do Jack – Two! The Reply

Today I introduce to you my ride or die friend Eva Gichana, whom I love dearly. Having known her for almost ten years, I have to say that she is one of the most honest people I know. It especially sucks when I need her to lie to me or at least hide the truth to make me feel better!  She never plays with her words when it comes to expressing herself. I respect this beautiful woman who also happens to be a very talented singer. It came as no surprise when she called me up to reprimand me after reading my article ‘I Do Coke. I Do Jack too!‘. I am still trying to figure out what I said that was wrong. Did I mess with the wrong women? Culpa Mia 😦
-Mikey
By Eva Gichana
One or the other…or maybe not… I wish to join you in your drink and conversation…But me, I’m more of a double lime and sprite woman.You bring up some very solid points in your thoughts . . . I just wonder about some of the semisolids.Must she really choose on matters that do not even seem mutually exclusive? Can’t she want to be president and not be misconstrued to have something to prove?

You ask ‘who are we gaining independence from’…I’ll tell you. And it has less to do with this generation and more to do with our forefathers that passed this down. Off course ‘Independent man’ sounds silly. In the same way that say ‘colourless water’ sounds silly.

The man has always been independent…The term independent is almost synonymous with the word Man. Society (as far back as African traditional history goes and pretty much many other traditions) has always painted the woman as a dependant and one that needs provision by a man. This in itself is not toxic. What is ugly and what we are seeking ‘independence’ from is the scorn accorded to the said species as a result of this perception that she cannot provide for herself.

You and I agree that yes she can provide and depend on herself…but when she loves you she will let you do these things because you love her but with a full understanding that she can do it for herself. It shouldn’t be a choice of independence or love. I think an independent woman is easier to love.

The journey of life is much better travelled with someone. While you say a man’s needs are simply to have an eat-drink-work-sleep-play lifestyle, remember to leave room for what she wants to do other than stand beside you and watch you eat drink work sleep and play.

Superman didn’t find Loise Lane sitting there doing nothing. She was at work. There is more trouble out there to get into for superman to come save her from 🙂

Nyambura


A Tale of Two Sweeties

By Michael Ngigi
Yeah sometimes I want to think I’m the greatest writer that ever lived. So I won’t lie to you that I came up with this heading after I had written this post. I just thought it sounded clever so I decided to write based on the heading. Cool huh? Hater. Well let me see, we have three women and one man…no…two women. Otherwise we wouldn’t call them TWO sweeties right? Ok, here goes my story. The first part is real, the other parts are made up. It’s interesting how you continue reading even when you know the ending will be a lie. Dummy.

The Truth
While we were out drinking Jack with some of the readers who responded to my offer, I overheard a disturbing concept. That a man always has two women in his life. The mother of his children and the love of his life. He loves them equally. Is this true? Please tell me. I don’t have children so I wouldn’t know. As for the love of my life? Well I think mine is perfect. You should meet her. I also have a feeling she will not comment on this article. She happens to be a very proud woman; one of the reasons I love her.

The Lie(s)
Dear woman, I know you love your man and you are confident he loves you. Well he does. Trust me. He does. He also loves your counterpart. Equally. Have you met her? Let me introduce you to her.

You see, your counterpart used to be you at some point. The love of his life. Let’s call her Mary. When your man first laid eyes on Mary, he lost his breath. She was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen. He loved her…no…lusted after her instantly. She wore these high heels and sexy outfits that seemed fresh every time he saw her. He asked her out and wouldn’t back down until she accepted on the fifth time to meet him. On their first date just like yours, the two instantly knew they were meant to be together. And so it didn’t take long before they started going out.

Their relationship was like a dream just like yours now. There they were, a beauty and a prince with nothing to loose and a great life ahead of them. She took care of him and in return he did everything for her. Sex was great, in fact the appetite and energy never seemed to run out. Young, energetic and madly in love. She was homely and in time she proved herself worthy of a long term commitment. He proposed to her and after a few weeks they got married. Contrary to most marriages, theirs was made in heaven. It still is.

Last year they got their third child. You wouldn’t believe this but Mary is now hotter than she was when they were dating. She looks well kept. She is shapely and looks like one of those MILFs in our local Dettol™ ads. Hot and hard to get. So begs the question, WHY is her husband friggin dating you?

Let’s go back a few hours this morning. Sam (your boyfriend or Mary’s husband…whatever…) went to work very late and completely worked up. He hates the fact that for the second year in a row he has woken up to no breakfast in his own house! His wife is too tired to make him breakfast. She knows he doesn’t have a any clue when it comes to cooking. So why is he late today? You know the answer! He passed by your place to have breakfast. He likes the way you cook. It reminds him when he was dating Mary. Did I tell you that Mary quit her job a year after they got married to take care of the kids? Well she did. So every evening they fight over small stuff such as why he came home late by 5 minutes. It seems she has too much time in her hands.

Everyday she has to go to the mall to chill because she doesn’t have anything else to do. The kids are at the day care all day. There at the mall, she will meet with other ‘like minded’ individuals who will tutor her on how to manage her husband better. In management mode, she will occasionally deny her husband sex untill he gives in to one or two of her numerous requests. If not that, she is tired and just wants to rest. Managing the house help and dropping off the kids in school is tough work you know.

Last week on Sam’s birthday she sulked. Sulked because he didn’t bring her a present. Yes it doesn’t make sense to Sam but it does to her! And the list goes on and on. Issues and more issues. Luckily, you have none of those issues. Believe me when I tell you, Sam truly loves you. You are independent and better, you have a nice job. You always remember to buy him something at least once during the year. You take care of him like a child and ask nothing in return. You just love him innocently. He loves you and he also loves the mother of his children the same way. You are both VERY important to him. His two sweeties.

***

I have been getting very emotional responses to my writing. I would therefore like to state clearly that the opinions expressed herein do not necessarily represent me or any of my co-writers. Keep sending your reactions but I can’t and will not guarantee to alter or edit any post in this blog because of your moral standing or personal opinion. Let’s just have fun reading hapo vipi?


I Do Coke. I Do Jack too!

By Michael Ngigi

Every once in a while I ask myself out on a drink at my favorite bar near my workplace. I like the status this small old place accords me. They know my drink and what day to serve it. On a day like this, they know that I want something that tastes woody, almost like charcoal. So my 70 year old bartender dissappears behind the counter and a few minutes later he appears with a double Jack and Coke poured over ice flakes. This is a perfect man-drink, bold, sophisticated and mature.  You should see a woman drinking Jack & Coke. It is curiously sexy, more like a woman driving a muscle car only less dramatic. You have to be careful though. When a woman is on Jack, you may have to help her protect her own reputation at some point. Know what I mean?

So today, I invite you to drink with me; make time. It is enlightening and refreshing.  You will get to know how I think and why I do things different. I like to think of  this as ‘my yoga’. This is where I come to re-live moments and sometimes, to chart the way forward. Other times I come to lick my wounds and once in a while, to fight my battles. All in all, I drink for a good moment. Great memories. A interesting conversation. A clear thought on my family, great friends, my woman and lastly, success.

First Jack. Critical thinking.
Among the things that interest me and get me all emotional are world politics. Lately, I am a bitter man. Depressed by the news, I am constantly on the lookout for other things to watch. Among the things that make me angry is the all too familiar allied interference in third world politics. I still can’t place a finger on the exact reason why Libyans started a revolution. Before you call me a jackass please here me out. Why would you take to the streets when your country has one of the highest HDI (Human Development Index) in the world? What valid reason would you want to take up arms when your country has the 10th largest proven oil reserves in the world? Free education up to university level would certainly make your life very easy no? And the list goes on to include free health care and a mean wage of $9.51 per hour. Any way I look at it, I can’t help aknowledging how the Libyan question is too familiar. It has the same feel as Somalia, Afghanistan, Iraq and Egypt. The first world is hungry for energy and raw materials; it is understandable why they would want to interfere with some in the the third world. Some because they choose to rush to Libya’s aid while Ivory Coast is let to drown in chaos. Feel me? Anyway one can only take so much when it comes to politics. Let me get me another drink please. I insist you taste my Jack. Very smooth.

Second Jack. Is it just me? Or…
Now all women want to be president. Fair enough. We are equal. In this day and age we have to appreciate that they are making faster strides compared to their male counterparts. They hold the best jobs, drive the best cars and what not. I am proud of the woman especially our African woman. She keeps our families together. She makes sure that our wealth remains in the family. She is a superwoman. However, there has been a strain of women that are cropping up and it’s scary. And as I say this, I would like all the women in my life to know that I light not this match with the intention to start a fire but to shed light.

The first time I heard about the term independent woman I was confused. I mean, is there anything like an independent human being? Who are we gaining independence from? Think of the term independent man. How does it sound? Silly? I thought so. Being born on your own and having a name unique to you is proof enough that you are your own person. You have a role. Get this. Which woman does not want a man who can protect her and provide for her regardless of her ability to do the same? What woman wants a man who hides behind her when trouble comes calling? A woman wants a real man. A man who is gentle yet still has the fire of a fight raging within him. A man who gets silly and funny but has the wisdom of a centenary man. Women want a man who has solutions and answers. The kind of brother who would lay down his life for a fellow human being. A MAN man.

And so it is, with the other side of the divide. A man wants a woman. As simple as that. A woman who works had and is an achiever. A woman who is intelligent and adds value to a man. A woman who is humble despite the life on the fast lane. Which man wouldn’t want a woman who can at least cook an egg? One thing women should know about cooking for a man is, it is not the outcome of her cooking that matters but the heart behind it. We could eat boiled shoes for all we care! But how it tastes will depend on the heart behind the cooking. I love me a woman who let’s me love her in all the ways a man should. Protect her. Provide for her. Learn from her and gain her trust. A woman who doesn’t have anything to prove. She has a bigger title and takes home a bigger piece of bread (it could happen boys) than me but it doesn’t matter as long as I play my part. A woman who knows I am superman. That type of woman would have me do anything for her.

Lastly, head of the house. Yeah I said it! Shoot me. There can only be one head of the house. So boys and girls, please go, seat, have a discussion and decide who it will be and do the math while you’re at it here are examples to work with. Driver and co-driver. Plug and socket.

Blackjack. The Game.
Whether you like it or not. Love is a game. As Sun Tzu would advise you [were he alive] play only if your chances of winning are good. Secondly, one hand cannot clap. If love is one way, let it go. There are things that should act as clear indicators that your relationship is headed for a fall. The first one is PRIDE. If you are the type that finds it hard to say you are sorry when you wrong someone, you’re headed for doom. If you talk down on your woman just because she is a woman, you will end up a lonely and biter old man. If you disrespect your man just because you rake in more than he does, you will suffer frost in your heart and when you’re older, you will be seen molesting young boys, quarter your age.

The second one is ignorance. When you love someone, be observant. What is a small issue to you could be the biggest issue to them. Pay close attention to what your partner is feeling and what they communicate. It could make you or break your relationship.  Communicate. Good communication is the key to everything. Deeper love. Great sex. Trust. Zeal for life and happiness through  good and bad times. Ignorance is the most stupid form of foolishness. Someone quote me…

Love Jack. Why I did it.
I remember I was the first to wake up that morning after partying through the previous night.  Looking at my watch, I realized we only had 15 minutes before the hotel restaurant downstairs closed down the breakfast buffet. I tried waking her up but she was clearly not in a state for breakfast. I kissed her and went downstairs to feed hoping I’d bring back some food for her. At breakfast, I couldn’t help fidgeting. Meals never taste good without her at the table, that is a fact I have given into lately. It’s like watching an interesting movie without the sound. I tried looking out the window but that too wasn’t fun. Then a flood of thoughts, feelings and emotions drowned my mind. At that moment, I wanted her next to me. I wanted to hear her Pa-ha laugh more than ever. I still find it odd how she manages to make me laugh even when I don’t want to. We hit it off from the moment we first met. It almost felt like we had shared a lifetime together before. She knew me by heart. I knew her by soul.

I left the table hurriedly and rushed to our room. Just before I opened the door I reached into my pocket and took out the pouch to look at the contents. There it was, shining brightly. The old man in Ethiopia had crafted it beautifully. These nine stones would express exactly what I felt about her. I was ready. I hid the pouch in my pocket and I started the tense wait for the right moment. I didn’t know that fate had arranged for us to visit the ski that evening. Opportunity.

A man’s needs are very simple. At the end of the day, we just want a simple, eat-drink-work-sleep-play lifestyle and most of all to be next to the woman of our dreams.

Final Jack. Closing time.
It starts to rain as I beckon the waiter for the bill. I love my drink why lie! Just before I leave the balcony, I instinctively pull out my phone to call her. Honestly, however good my drink is, I know that there’s nothing better than to end my day with a stimulating conversation with my final Jack.


15 MINUTES OF FAME

Ahenda Anjichi is back again, this time on a mission. She is out to create awareness on this long standing challenge of HIV and AIDs. The first time I read this post I couldn’t help acknowledging the weight of her words. It is my hope that this message spreads far and wide. If you are not infected, you must be affected. I take this opportunity to launch the first awareness campaign on this blog. Let’s call it  A Minute of Silence. Thank you Ahenda.


“My feet sort of just glided haphazardly from the seat of my car, ankles angrily exerting force onto the tarmacked parking as I made my way to the side entrance of the white building. So many thoughts were racing through my mind, why am I even still walking? I couldn’t feel the ground but I felt myself moving. There was a buzz of activity around me. A pregnant woman who just looked void of all human energy was standing by the main entrance, her husband/boyfriend/friend/baby daddy hunched over her attentively…I whizzed past them, smelt her cheap perfume and grimaced.

My feet pounded on relentlessly, I wanted to slower my pace but I guess after being up since 3 AM and having thought about this all night, I was here. Some unnatural forces were pushing my body, against my will to the first floor.

A gust of hot air hit me as I emerged into the semi-packed waiting area. I sat down on the plastic covered seats, not quite sure what to do or how to do it-my thoughts were louder than the baby wailing in its mother’s arms next to me and I only heard a whisper next to me when the white cladded receptionist/nurse tapped my shoulder and repeated her question five times, obviously irritated by my absent-mindedness. I nodded.

Yes” was the choked reply.

Five minutes later, I was half walking behind her and half running out the door, my body feeling like a 5 ton truck and my heart pounding against my ribcage.

What the hell am I doing here?

She led me into a tiny room, at the end of the hall and all of a sudden my heart stopped beating, my feet refused to move and I stared in blank wonder at the white walls and statistic charts adorning the walls.

I was offered a seat stood there as she rambled on, talking nonsense because I wanted to forget I was there.

10 minutes later,

Time sort of stopped.

Froze.

Stood still.

My head was spinning so fast, I felt the white walls turning 360 degrees…i had developed malaria: aching joints, fever, hallucinations, and shortness of breath and one hell of a headache…

It’s only when I felt a slap on my face and someone screaming [the fake name I had jotted on the dotted line on that yellow single sheet of paper] and telling me to calm down, that I realized the throbbing headache was actually my heart sinking and the aching joints were as a result of my hitting the floor and table, banging my head against the surface of the floor and my chorus of “OH NO’S!!!”  made the hallucinations.

It was like a freaking out-of-body experience! I was watching myself act out this role in a movie and it was not actually happening and I’m not that crazy girl reeling on the floor, bringing attention to herself in that small, white walled room with arms flailing all over and white lab coats straining to pin down my struggling and jerking limbs.

I looked up through my tears and glanced back at the two ugly red lines, which in just FIFTEEN MINUTES had managed to shatter my 24 years of living, by a simple prick to my index finger and small talk of living positively.

In FIFTEEN MINUTES all the people who saw me walking down the hall would remember my draught stricken face and my tear stained cheeks and how concerned the counselor was as she led me back to my car, whispering words of encouragement in my ear that seemed to evaporate into whims of air the minute they left her lips because they didn’t register in my mind, neither did they make any sense-she could have been talking Greek for all I cared.

The world around me was like a bad dream and I was snow white and those two red lines were the evil step mother that had turned my world into gloom.

There was a slow buzzing in my ears and I found myself hunched over the low hedge, violently hurling out the remaining gooey lumps of my breakfast, constantly jerking like I was in an epileptic fit as if to drain every grain of the disease from my system.

I was in a pained trance and I could still feel the warm tears cutting irregular streams down my face.

I could swear that my heart had stopped beating and the quick breathes escaping my nostrils and mouth were my life’s essence seeping out into the noisy world and nobody noticed my frame, slouched next to my car, fingers digging into the tarmac and my arms hugging the front left wheel, hopelessly wishing that I was that cold inanimate object that proudly owns no emotion.

At that very moment, I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole, because all the stares and glances had me naked and vulnerable and I felt like “HIV POSITIVE” was plastered on my forehead.

I had drove into the hospital just FIFTEEN MINUTES earlier and nobody knew me; now I was just but one of the statistics.

 

FACT FILE:

DID YOU KNOW??

That-

  • Kenya is home to one of the world’s harshest HIV and AIDS epidemics.
  • An estimated 1.5 million people are living with HIV; around 1.2 million children have been orphaned by AIDS; and in 2009 80,000 people died from AIDS related illnesses.
  • Kenya’s HIV prevalence peaked during 2000 and, according to the latest figures, has dramatically reduced to around 6.3 percent.
  • This decline is thought to be partially due to an increase in education and awareness, and high death rates.
  • Many people in Kenya are still not being reached with HIV prevention and treatment services. Only 1 in 3 children needing treatment are receiving it.

This demonstrates Kenya still has a long way to go in providing universal access to HIV treatment, prevention and care.

  • Kenya’s HIV epidemic has been categorised as generalised – meaning that HIV affects all sectors of the population.

Nearly half of all new infections were transmitted during heterosexual sex whilst in a relationship and 20 percent during casual heterosexual sex.

  • HIV prevalence is higher amongst specific groups and tends to differ according to location, gender and age.
  • Various studies have revealed high HIV prevalence amongst a number of key affected groups, including sex workers, injecting drug users (IDUs), men who have sex with men (MSM), truck drivers and cross-border mobile populations.

Some of these groups are marginalised within society – for example, homosexuality is illegal in Kenya and punishable by up to 14 years in prison. Therefore these groups are difficult to reach with HIV prevention, treatment and care, and the extent to which HIV is affecting these groups has not been fully explored. Up to 33% of new infections in 2008 were within these ‘most at risk populations’

  • In 2008, an estimated 3.8 percent of new HIV infections were among IDUs and in the capital, Nairobi, 5.8 percent of new infections were among IDUs.

Laws prohibiting harm reduction services, such as needle and syringe exchanges, significantly hinder the prevention of new infections among IDUs.27 HIV infections are easily prevented in healthcare settings, nevertheless, 2.5 percent of new HIV infections occurred in health facilities during 2008 in Kenya.

  • Women are disproportionally affected by HIV. In 2008/09 HIV prevalence among women was twice as high as that for men at 8% and 4.3% respectively.

This disparity is even greater in young women aged 15-24 who are four times more likely to become infected with HIV than men of the same age.

Kenyan women experience high rates of violent sexual contact, which is thought to contribute to the higher prevalence of HIV. In a 2003 nationwide survey, almost half of women reported having experienced violence and one in four women aged between 12 and 24 had lost their virginity by force

  • Adult HIV prevalence is greater in urban areas (8.4 percent) than rural areas (6.7 percent) of Kenya. However, as around 75 percent of people in Kenya live in rural areas, the total number of people living with HIV is higher in rural settings (1 million adults) than urban settings (0.4 million adults)

Source: http://www.avert.org/hiv-aids-kenya.htm

N/B:

Those statistics were as of 2008/2009.

Imagine how the situation is at this moment.

I did a random survey in a mat this morning, asking how many people riding with me to town had ever had an HIV test done.

I was sitted just behind the “kange’s”seat.

Keep in mind that the mat was full.

I managed to talk to the “kange”, the guy behind me, the passengers sitted on the double seats across from me and two guys alighting the mat, and with the Kenyan spirit of “udaku”, the answers chorused around me in the mat.

Out of 14, only 5 had “I have been tested” answers.

Now spread that out across all the mats in the traffic on Msa road at 7.45 AM at the Nyayo round-a-bout inter-section this morning.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT.


My Wet Dream

As told by Asaph Bryan Change on behalf of a discomfited victim.

 

Dear diary,

I saw her again today. I didn’t know what to say when she walked right up to me, so in return I stared dead shamelessly, and she walked away with the same chuckle she gave me a fortnight ago when I saw her last. I promised myself that this wouldn’t happen to me after the last time. But it did. Now I’m back to that frenzy of thoughts, and I hate myself for having them rule me again. As much as I’m timid to admit, I can’t hold back my mounting crave.

I thought I had this all under control, that the last time was the last, but seeing her today plunged me back to the gutter of what we did. Damn!

I want it to happen again, I plan on asking her what she felt about it, what she thinks of me now, but the thought of me seating her down for that dialogue sticks me in ice. But I have to find out if it’s mutual. She has to want it as bad as I do, right? I mean, she’s the one who made the first move. But what if she regrets it and would rather it didn’t happen a third time? No, she looked at me the same way she did when we were wrapped in my bed sheets dripping wet in our exhausted state of undress.

She told me not to worry about what they’ll think, so that must mean she regrets none of it. I hate this. I’m torn between doing the right thing and ignoring it all and pursue something so wrong but right to me, to us.

I heard her on the phone saying she’s coming over for a visit tomorrow, so I have until then to rehearse my advance in hopes that the answer I’ll get will have us back into each other’s grip.

I’ll try getting her attention when the rest will be distracted in the delight of laughter and tell her of my request to have a word. Once in the privacy of the both of us, I’ll get straight to the point and disclose my inevitable state of being and ask if it’s what she equally feels. But I know her. She’ll probably lean forward to gently bite my lower lip into an ardent kiss like she does every time we are behind a closed door, but I need to know if this is real to her as it is to me.

I’ve shared this furtive with a close friend and he hated me for this twisted condition I threw myself in, and he’s constantly been reminding me of the clutter this would leave me in. I get where he’s coming from, really, I do. But like she said, I shouldn’t worry about what they think, him included.

A week ago I called and asked her what the big sister would think of this if she found out; for I respect her with the whole of me. For the first time, she froze. She didn’t have an answer. I could sense fear in her silence. But she only told me that her sister needed to never know about us, or any one in that regard. I don’t know what to do. I love her. What we may have is something I want to keep. But her sister, my mother, poses a great impediment. Everyone does.

This was a story told to me in full confidence by a dear friend. I do not regret publicly exposing it to you. I needed you to read this and question the number of people out there living in this very situation, most of who breed in it without remorse. Some who can’t stop due to the twisted pleasure they achieve, and a majority who are tempted to initiate.

So, what have you been up to lately?



Things We Never Say Part III


‘As I read ‘Things We Never Say‘ by Ahenda and Michael, I got thinking and reflecting… You know how some chiqs try to force into a man’s heart and world even when they know it will be a futile battle. She knows he is drowning in another chiq’s love…but she won’t quit. Some are prudent and recognize it…They then concede. Thanx Mike for another opportunity..and to Ahenda, my childhood pal for helping unblock the writer’s block I was facing…’
Liz Lenjo

Dear Michael,
Remember me? We met after your huge break up with your ex-girlfriend…What was her name? Ahaaa…Ahenda it is. I remember how we met: the little kahawa shop just by your office. You were starring at her picture. You looked so lost, drowning in the memory of her.

“He is so cute!” I thought to myself. That is why I sat next to you. I could see the hurt, the confusion and the sadness in how you would hold your cup of coffee; staring at it as though wishing it was beer. I knew I had a soul to rescue…a heart to save. Perhaps to save and have it for keeps. Hopefully change my ever bad luck with men.

You said hi back at me…and you did not find my obvious stares rude. I had to ask what was bugging you. And you opened up. In your voice I could feel your admiration and adoration for your lost love. A soul mate you called her. You were not certain why the two of you ended but you felt it was right. You kept trying to convince yourself that you would get over her and move on. Move on to another love with sparks as hot and cosmic as the previous.

I thought I was going to be IT-The answer to your heart ache, and the plaster to your heart break. It was an exercise in futility, but nonetheless, I had to give it a shot. You were my soldier, wounded in the cruel war…war of love. I hoped I was going to be the nurse…the nurse that puts you back together and wins you over. I wanted to be your knight and shining armour.

I wanted so bad to believe that you would like me…all the while, you were looking for the Ahenda in me. I could see it in your wishful eyes. You once asked me why I never loosened up and hang around in my undies…I was shy! I had tough shoes to fill, and I couldn’t be her. You cannot deny it Michael, you wished I were her. And now as I read your letters to her, I know I was fighting a losing battle. But I could not resist…Your charm, your smile…your finesse! I saw what Ahenda saw in you. But you could not see me for me…you were blinded. Blinded by a passion so strong and a bond so tight…sealed by destiny. Fate did not have it in store for a possible you and me…sigh!

I was surprised you had me around for so long…I knew I was fooling myself. But the desire to have you love me and want me like you constantly did her got the best of me. I was warned but I did not listen. Two years Mike!? What took you so long? What took me so long? I guess you were smutten…smitten…arrgggh! What is it about her? Now just after two months since we broke up, you are marrying her? Worst still, on the day of our ‘anniversary’? The first day I laid my eyes on you at the little kahawa shop by your office.

I should have just walked away…But then again, I concede. I raise my hat to the queen that captured your heart so…and dominated your entirety. May be I will be lucky someday to be an Ahenda to another lad…Only difference I will be an Elizabeth…Me!

Like Queen Elizabeth II remains in the English throne, he will be my dynasty…sans threats, sans insecurity.

My hat off to Ahenda…I concede. Love him like he loves you. Adore him like he adores you. I couldn’t steal his heart: It belonged to you in the first place! He is yours FOREVER.

I must confess I was sad when we finished the sequel for ‘Things We Never Say‘. The response from my readers was overwhelming! Almost all wanted the third issue. Well, the beautiful Liz Lenjo has saved the day. She has added an interesting angle to the whole saga. These are the things we go through in our lives. Liz Lenjo‘s words are powerful and sensual. She is a lawyer. I can’t help smiling when I try to imagine how she would present a case in court. Just don’t dare go up against her.
– Michael Ngigi



The Play Pen

This week I introduce to you Asaph Bryan Change, probably one of the most creative and sick minds I have come across. If you ever feel the need to have a disgusting conversation about mucus and bathroom soap scum he’s your guy. On a more serious note, I have to admit he is a brilliant writer on relationships and everything else. I just hope what he writes won’t land him in any trouble. Finally, I have to say that the opinions herein do not necessarily represent anyone’s belief in particular but just one of the major global challenges.

By Asaph Bryan Change
A story is often told of love and the forever after that falls in place, and my question always seeks answers to why we are blinded from the false front of this ‘pairs’ I see around looking like they’ve been squeezed out of those love stories we read about. Another question that I at times ask myself is whether this two find full fulfillment in each other or do they individually face greed in the face and seduce it into eating them alive. Allow me to explain.

Men have for many years, faced scrutiny for being generous with their attention to the sometimes unaware and most of the time willing members of the beautiful opposite gender; but what has come to the attention of the current error which I regret to be identified with is the emerging population of women who have joined the sport men have been playing for a long while. It’s been called the pay-back-time retribution, what he can do she can do better; but what I strongly believe is that it’s a pure case of something that has always existed. She didn’t just wake up one day and decide to hit back, she has been equally generous with herself since memorial in time.

We have faithful men out there priding in relationships they think grow groomed in reliance, but what he’s subconsciously exposed to is the painful fact that his spouse reigns in the wide selection of men who don’t have to cater for material or emotional needs, she has them just for the aimless reason men see the need to look back into the toilet seat after a lengthy session just before they flash. Nothing.

Men, face it – she’s just more gifted than we’ll ever be in this thing here. We fail when it comes to those small things called guilt and recklessness. It comes in as soon as we get home and look at that ever-loving and welcoming face that has been doing the very same thing. We twitch in fear of her seeing what we’ve done written all over our forehead while the very same secret exists in her. We’ve done it for years, but what has been an unknown fact is that she’s done it for centuries. I’ll give you a pointer that I have noticed in the many relationships I’ve seen taking place around me. I won’t go all traditional and tell you of things you already know like she’ll stop looking you in the face when talking to you, or that she’ll start blaming you for the smallest things. Those are things she won’t need reasons to do. I’ll just lay it down plain and simple in one sad fact so you can confirm facts that I’m certain you’ve been suspecting but never quite came around to having the scrotums to confront.

The sad reality is that she’ll probably never be caught. She’s that good. I’ll give you a very familiar scenario to justify my claim, one that I once noticed some time back and got me astonished as to how closely related it is to this whole thing.

I attended my nephew’s fourth birthday party sometime last year, and as goes such functions, it was manifested by small adorable things that pleasure in junk food, toys, ample space to run around, urinating in sand-boxes and wailing uncontrollably after getting their heads wedged in the smallest of places. So there I was running after the few that I could while negotiating sanity with some that could actually stop to listen to what I had to offer, and what I noticed answered the question that has inspired this article. I stood in the middle of that play-pen with like five girls and three boys within my view, and as they went about their individual play I realized how neat these girls were compared to the boys who had dirt from their heads to their insides. The two groups clearly had different modes of achieving fun with the girls consciously opting to have their dolls within reach and surrounding neat while the boys ran round unaware of the mess they pleasured in. The way that picture bluntly resembled this edge of live left me in stitches.

Women and men both acknowledge the ecstasy of jumping into the playground every once more often, but what makes her get the upper hand is the fact that she’s neater, better planned out with her subjects within eye-view. He on the unfortunate hand is careless, handles all this ‘toys’ at once without consideration of where one will land once he throws it in the air or where he’s squirmy self is seated before he seconds later stands to resume his movement with dirt stuck on his sad behind.

You will never find out what dolls she has been dressing [and undressing]. But she will however often spot the dirt you stupidly bring home.

So call her up, ask how her day is, listen carefully to her reply because you will not pick any grime in her tone; but she’ll hear your evidently panting voice you try hold back after a time well spent on the swing.

This is what I think; she’ll never step out of the playground, for many reasons known best to her. She pleasures difference. So if you’ll seat there secretly justifying why you being the one with the acclaimed nuts to test your so called skill, take a time-out and acknowledge the reality that she’s very much in the game; only a couple of more rows head of you. She’s better at it; you’re not. She hides it best; you walk around with it under your nose. She won’t stop; you’ll always be vulnerable to being caught. In fact, you’ve been caught a couple of times if not many, right? And all this goes on while you have nothing on her. Face it.

Happily ever after to you and yours.