See the World Through My Eyes

Posts tagged “Arts

Jacking Off

First of all, I would like to send my warmest regards to all the readers who sent me hate mail in the past thirty-four days of my absence. I feel embarassed for letting you down and disappearing despite having promised to always update my blog on a regular basis. At the same time, I am humbled that you were following my blog all along. I decided to take some time off after I noticed I kept on writing negative things about life’s experiences. I honestly thought the break would change my paradigm and I would come back with lots of positive energy and all the other flowery things that come with it. Then we’d go ahead and talk about a happy world with nice people who in the end,  get to live happily ever after.   Well, I’m back and I have sad news. Nothing’s changed. Life is hard and everyday is a new challenge. You can’t run from this fact unless you choose to end it [get my drift?]. Call the waiter, order whatever you want; I’ll have a double syrup and Krest™.

I quit Jack & Coke. Yes I did, and I don’t think I will ever miss the drink. I think it’s a hopeless drink and it’s overrated. I am embarassed that I even dedicated three articles to the damn soot-smelling poison from Tennessee! It’s funny  because I never thought a day would come when this drink would taste like bile in my mouth. That’s just life. And in the process of living, we learn. In my short relationship with Jack & Coke I learnt probably the biggest lesson of my life. Letting go. Also now known as Jacking Off. I invented the phrase just incase you’re wowing at how genius the term sounds and you happen to be a literature Nobel Prize judge looking for new talent (hint). Let’s talk about your life. Let’s explore all the valid reasons why you need to Jack Off from the things you are so attached to; I’m talking about those things that drain you and limit your potential. Everyone wants to be happy but only a few people have what it takes [the freedom] to BE happy.

You like your job but don’t necessarily love it. Mondays are a nightmare. Your boss is an eye-sore. Routine. Whoever invented routine? Was this how a JOB is meant to be? Why is your heart weary and your body exhausted? It’s right in front of you. This is not supposed to be your destiny. Remember when we were young? Two-thirds of all young boys wanted to be pilots in the future. Only a handful in a million actually even became air stewards. Now, our house of cards keep toppling over. You can still be a pilot, but in another life. You’re stuck with your lousy job and this ugly cycle seems like it will go on for five lifetimes. YOU NEED TO JACK OFF! It’s never too late to dream again. Pick yourself up. Slowly, try to find out what else you can do that will give you satisfaction. Don’t rush to quit your job without a back up plan. When Jacking Off, you need to go easy on yourself. After all, you want maximum satisfaction in the end right?

In this day and age, most people in my age group have more than three ex-es. We have lived such turbulent love lives that these ex-es have somehow become a permanent part of our lives. In fact, I would be right in assuming you are where you are in your love-life because of your ex. Hate me. Hate your boyfriend’s ex. You can’t change the past. You just have to deal with it by learning from it. However, there is always that likelihood of the looming ex. Awfully bad for business I tell you. Here’s the thing. You have a steady partner who you love and are happy with. Everything in your life is going well. Why the hell would you want to mess that up by involving yourself with your ex? Why did you break up with them in the first place? Wasn’t that hurtful enough? Now you are almost falling over trying to hide your phone from your woman. You pick up calls in private because you’re too conscious that you could press the speaker by mistake and give yourself away. Curiosity is a good excuse but lame none the less. Fire is good when it gives warmth but consuming when it burns. Love your own and let the mirages entertain you at a safe distance. You need to Jack Off that ever lingering ex.

Finally, a habit. What is it that you keep doing that messes everything up? Could it be your alcohol? Drugs perhaps? Laziness no? Whatever it is, consider what we keep losing due to our bad habits. We lie through our teeth, no wonder the truth is a fairy tale! We love money so much that passion for work is a fleeting fantasy. We love what we can’t get. What we get we can’t love. We despise that which is meant for us. You want the pretty girl in the music video so much that you can’t stand waking up next to your own; beautiful, virtuous and ever loving you woman. Our lives are a constant rat race. We chase after the wind hoping to catch the rain. We get sad when we can’t go out to enjoy the sunshine yet we still refuse to leave the comfort of the rocking chair in the house. For once, let’s be selfish and think about the things that would make us happy. It’s an uphill battle but it CAN be won. Jack Off all those those things that prevent you from fulfilling your destiny.

Dedicated to my great friend Nishan in Ethiopia who sadly, has stopped believing in a positive destiny. A Jack Off is in order.

Advertisements

Things We Never Say

Intro by Michael Ngigi
When I first saw Ahenda Anjichi‘s work I was stoned, thanks to my good friend Liz Lenjo. I have followed her posts ever since. I hope that one day, she will write something long. A book. Maybe a memoir. A diary… Initially, I didn’t expect her to agree when I suggested the idea of writing an article together. Why would she agree to work with someone she’d never met? As we spoke on chat about the project, I couldn’t help noticing how intelligent and creative Ahenda is. I have to admit, I fall shy of her skill. This article seeks to portray the feelings that words cannot say lest they hurt the spirit.

By Ahenda Anjichi & Michael Ngigi

Dear Ahenda

I smoke the herb when my mind is on the run. I few long drags and my mind is suddenly light. It makes me forget that I am the worst liar in the whole world. I feel like a missing person. It is strange that I feel it is where I should be. I don’t think you know anything about this, or the fact that I am about to break up with you. I can’t help asking myself where I lost everything. Where did I lose you? Where did you let me go? I am about to pour these last five years down the drain. I need to get everything out of my chest. I need another story. I am man broken down, not by what I did or what I didn’t do. I am angry, afraid, selfish and selfless. Selfish because if I wait for the end to come, I might not survive it. Selfless because I made you a promise. Baby, remember when I told you I would do anything to make you happy? I meant it. If leaving you will put a smile on your face someday, then leave you I will.

There’s nothing left for me here.

Last night on my way home I stopped at Lazzaro‘s to buy you roses. I couldn’t find the strength to hand them to you so I threw them in the dustbin. I realized couldn’t look you in the eye to surprise you when you opened the door. I couldn’t stand your sad eyes beneath your beautiful pretending face. I feel like I have lost all I ever had. You’ve always wanted  me to believe you’re happy. Great. That makes two of us.

Lately, I can’t help revisiting the great moments we shared when our love was new. All the mornings you tirelessly taught me how to tie my tie. I learn slow but you gave me time. I made mistakes and got hurt in the process. Still, you were ever near. The days we’d chase each other across the covers while we played a game with no name or rules. I ruled your mind. And you, mine. I knew how to make you happy. Boiled eggs, alcohol and garlic could not stop me from the sweet taste of your lips. Lazy days were our best. Lying still in each other’s arms silent but saying everything in the way we stared at each other’s eyes. Our album. I am surprised how unfamiliar the people in the pictures are. I hate these pictures. They remind me that I had you for a minute and the next you were gone. Only this time, you didn’t pack your bags and leave. You left your body with me as your heart wondered off. I am trying hard, but I can’t reach you. Sad eyes. You want to cry. You want to tell me but you can’t. I haven’t done anything wrong. It’s eating you from inside.

I’m smiling. We had great sex in ‘our time’. That I had to fight you down and conquer you made me feel it was what I was born to do.  The earthquake that always shook our landing still fascinates me. The peace of collapse and surrender that followed as we lay twining our up-stretched hands. Stretching imaginary skies and plucking at non-existent stars. Me and you Ahenda.  I hate that the smell of your skin still lingers on my nostrils. Flowers. Now you cry every time we make love. I can tell the sad darkness you’re going through when you whisper in my ear that you love me. I can’t do it anymore. You speak without saying a word. You’re out of love. The fire dies down and all that remains are the weak coals that gasp for more more wood.

The world is vast, dark and lonely. I wait. For you to send me those naughty texts. For a time you will tell you that you have time for a chat. For that time when you will have time. For that time you will stay up late waiting for my call. For that time I will make you smile just how your best friend Fiona does. For that time you will talk about our future plans. Our ‘house on the hill’ doesn’t fascinate you anymore. When was the last time you asked me how I was doing? I know it’s not that you don’t care. You just don’t want to lie to me. You are a wonderful soul. I guess it’s why you don’t want to tell me the truth and hurt me. More tears from your big eyes. You hate yourself for what you’re feeling. You hate that you’d want to love me but can’t. You don’t know why.

I am going to save you. Save myself. Save us. Save what we’ve built so far. The memories. The moments tatooed on our minds. I choose to leave. I can’t make you happy. You know I have tried.  Let the blood be on my head. Just let go so I walk the plank alone. I will be fine. Fine because I have kept my promise. To do anything that will make you happy. Life lies full beneath your feet. You will find what you’re looking for. Keep the ring and I will keep the pictures.

Mikey…my darling…

You look at me different these days, you have that look in your eye like a deer caught in full headlights awaiting certain death, standing rooted to the spot and frozen in fear.

You’re afraid of me; my heart, my soul, my body and my mind.

Even your kisses have become strangers to my lips, I do not blame you. You must know.  You must have figured it out. You must see that the flame we had is dying, the embers in our hearts simply fizzling, leaving us the ashes of our dead union.

When I met you, when we first met, my insides used to itch to hold you in conversation, to hear you laughing-you have this laugh my dear, so deep and hearty and soulful and the sound of it made my world sparkle. You don’t do it as much anymore-laugh that is, you half-smile at me in the evening when I’m in the kitchen, trying to remember how you liked the spices mixed up in your meals…I had a special recipe that awakened your inner demons and you used to have me on the kitchen counter, tightly gripping your back, head thrown back in absolute ecstasy and so out of breath. My knees used to shake and I would bite my lower lip in anticipation by just how you said my name…now, you sound like Mark, the photocopy guy at the ground level shop at our office building. It’s quite baffling.

What happened to us?

Looking at you now, it’s like I’ve been a stranger these five years…do you still like sleeping on the left side of the bed, love? (I can hardly feel your breathing late at night, I find myself laying on the edge, as if running away from that ugly awkward tension that has moved in with our relationship and isn’t paying the rent.)

I need those days back: when you held me so close I could feel you thinking, when I could tell what words your lips are forming before you spoke, when I knew what shirt you wanted to wear and the tie I’d help you fix…(oh, boy! Did it take you a while to learn!!), when you would know when my days are bad and you would kiss my worries away….memories now.

What happened to me being able to float through my misery? Being able to wear the smile you so loved without you knowing that I’m straining to keep it alive? What happened to me being able to mesh into your arms without flinching? What happened to you being the best thing in my universe? What happened to me wanting to rush home to you? What happened to the son we were to have?

Babe, those roses in the trash, I saw them. Poor little lifeless creatures shriveled up and left neglected, cold and alone. So without color…I laughed-they must have reminded me of us. I’m not happy at this thought; it’s just the irony in it all. You thought they were better off in the trash than in my hands; do I now possess the ability to wound a thorned flower?

This is not your doing. It’s mine. You stayed here loving me but I left without much of a goodbye. You cannot imagine how desperate I am to love you-I did once, I really did.

It was the way you paid attention to me, the little things you did, your smile,your laugh,the way your shoulders sag when you’re tired, the way your finger bends when it’s pointing, the silly faces you’d make watching  football, the way you drank a glass of water, how you put on your shoes, the crease above your forehead when you’re being serious, how you would tickle me and kiss my neck at the same time…how rude of me to take these things and forget what they feel like.

I’m just numb. You move me no more.

This is not your doing-it’s all mine.

You have given me a chance at real love; you HAD given me a chance at real love…so here i am now, tears flowing onto this letter you wrote and this ring barely shinning in this dark room…still in its box, left by this damn letter.  I chased you off before you even got down on one knee.

Isn’t this every woman’s dream I was living, with you?

I can almost hear your pained voice, gentle and sweet, speaking these words.

Michael. You loved me.

This is not your doing-it’s all mine.

I doubt that she can love me as well as you do. All she can do is be the secret fuel to my fire and the forever silenced voice of my longing.

Mikey…just so that you know, my soul remains with you.  I’ll stay here, caught between my heart and mind-wanting it to be good knowing it’s not.

I’m really sorry Michael.

Outro by Ahenda Anjichi
I can’t deny-I jumped at the opportunity to write this, I love writing, but more so because someone as gifted and expressive as Michael thinks I’m good at it. It’s a huge, huge compliment! I’m short of doing a “yippee” dance on my office desk; it’s a refreshing chance to try something new aside from my usual prose/poetry.

Michael, many thanks for the shout. This was so much fun to do. (And Liz Lenjo for being the lovely bridge to this point!) .