See the World Through My Eyes

Posts tagged “Relationship

Why You Should Cheat

I could get shot for what I’m about to say but I don’t care [Someone had to do it anyway]. I owe it to my readers to always tell them the truth about life. In the process, I risk exposing myself and losing everything I have. So today I will tell you why you need to cheat and not feel guilty about it.

I believe it’s okay to cheat. In fact, your life depends on it! How the hell does one live just committed to one individual? My head hurts just at the thought of stopping everything for one person. It is a crime of dire consequences and the already dead and miserable can bear me witness. We were not made to be committed to one person and we were definitely not made lacking the ability to love more than one.

Please control your emotions and let me finish… 

Let’s do role play. You be the troubled patient and I’ll be your wise shrink. Lie down on my couch and close your eyes. I will ask you questions that I will need you to answer truthfully.

How come you are still lonely despite having a significant other? Do you go through those moments where your life is just blank and aimless when your partner is ‘supposed’ to be there for you? Does it make you wonder why in the first place you have a boyfriend if they can’t seem to do their ‘job’? Do you think that your girlfriend is self centered and only thinks about herself 200% of the time? Is she always going on about her shoes, her moods, her job and whining almost all the time? When was the last time she asked you how you were doing? Oh I forgot, it’s always about her isn’t it? Doesn’t it get to you how she complains that you’ve changed lately?  How she likes the person you were when she first met you? Does a small part of you wish that one day she’ll break up with you and set you free?  Do you feel imprisoned? Does a smaller part of you wish you’d bust her cheating on you at some point  and just kill the relationship abruptly?

Your boyfriend only cares about soccer and is always running the town trying to make that extra buck you don’t need. Is he always shrouded in mystery? Does it feel like he’s playing you? How about his girlfriends that you always suspect and hate with your life? How come they make you angry yet you found them already in his life when you met? Why now? Would you rather he cancel his plans and spend an evening with you over a romantic dinner? Do you feel like he doesn’t understand you anymore? Do you feel like you’d want a guy who’s always there for you, caring for and pampering you? Well I got a solution for you. Cheat on him. Cheat on her. Let’s all cheat on each other and let’s just be one happy planet!

Before you go breaking the champagne and hurling fists at me for bringing out your innermost sentiments, I would like to explain what I mean by cheat.

I want you to take your mind’s eye back to who you were before you met your girlfriend. You used to have great friends, good times and very likely an active hobby. You enjoyed meeting up with those flirty cute girls every once in a while (Every man enjoys the company of  fly women). Remember how your phone always used to be busy with friends calling you up for plans? You never used to schedule any drink ups but they used to come to you. You never missed the weekly soccer practice and the quarterly fishing trips. Come Mondays, you were always upbeat waiting and anticipating for the next exciting experience. You used to be active. You used to be a player!! You were the MAN back then! Let me also guess one more thing, you were never broke! Remember?

And you my dear girl, were really pretty back then. You almost got police protection because the boys wouldn’t let you live in peace. They always waited in line to take you out for dates. You had a great body because work out was your daily devotion. Remember your love for shoes? Everyone knew you had amazing taste. You were quite the dancer too! Was it salsa classes you were taking every evening? You always said salsa was your life. When did you stop writing? Did the inspiration die? Nothing to write about anymore? It must be a long while since you went out with the girls. You always never missed the chance to travel and take pictures. What went down? Now you’re always home when he calls. Always complaining how lonely and bored you are. Forever whining about how he never makes time for you and is always running around with his friends. Look at you! You can’t even watch a movie without falling asleep in the middle of the action scenes! Poor girl, don’t you realize that the world didn’t change? Your man is still the same man you met 5 years ago. The only difference is when he came into your life, you threw your [life] out the window.

Have you ever stopped to ask yourself why you fell in love with your significant other in the first place? What did you find attractive in them that was too strong for you to resist? If my guess is right, it’s because they had other ‘loves’ in their lives. It’s what made them stand out. You loved how he was passionate about music and cooking. You liked how she struggled every weekend with her paintings even when the world knew she was a crappy painter. How she was passionate about singing even when all she could manage was a weak croak in the shower.

As humans, we are attracted to people who seem to have the good stuff going for them. People with dreams, ambitions and charisma. People with hobbies and active lives. No one wants to hang out let alone commit to boring and blank people. It’s time to get back to who you were when you first met her. It’s not going to be an easy task my brother. At first, you’ll have to do it behind her back because she won’t take your sudden change of character just lying down. In essence, you’ll have to cheat on her with the good things that made her fall in love with you. I’m talking about those things that you like doing alone. Don’t worry, it is a natural desire to want some alone time every now and then. It would be a strenuous experience to drag your woman when going to have a drink with your friends who are women wouldn’t it? Ever seen a cat fight? No? Good. Don’t be in a hurry to see one.  This ‘cheating’ does not include getting romantically involved with another person while still in a relationship. It does not involve doing things that will hurt the one(s) you love. This ‘cheating’ is about bringing back the spark and setting you and your lover free.

So you like practicing on your guitar alone? Go for it! All I’m saying is that you are more attractive when you have a life of your own. When you have some hobbies and friends that are exclusive to you. Of course there are those things you can do with your partner and have fun while at it but then there are things that define you. Stuff that reminds you that you’re still on course and in control of your life. The moment you lose what makes who you are, you lose your life and you lose all the people around you.

Take time to evaluate and appreciate yourself. When you love yourself, the world loves you back. When you love yourself, you are able to love others without effort. When you develop yourself, you are able to empower others. When you cultivate and are comfortable in your character, the world learns to lean and trust in you.

So go on player, It’s time to cheat on your partner. Don’t feel guilty about it; you will see the results soon enough.

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Till Bed Do Us Part

Today’s publication is a sequel to The Bed which remains one of the most read articles in my blog’s short history. A big thank you to the reader that chose to ask my opinion on this issue. I won’t say your name.

I will tell you two storiess. The first is heart breaking while the second is just a natural case of happenstance. We spend a whole lifetime planning and painting fantastic imagery of our future but sometimes [if not always], fate has a different plan. Some call it Murphy’s law. I call it life. One will never be experienced in matters of the heart. The script changes constantly and heartbreak is the constant threat that always lingers in the dark episodes of our existence.

My friend Lilly got married at 25 on a sunny friday morning. It had just rained the previous week and the landscape everywhere looked beautiful and colorful. Her parents were very happy and proud. By then, it was an open secret that Lilly had fought the ‘good fight’ and was now being betrothed a pure and virgin bride. To cap it all off, Sam, her boyfriend of 5 years was also ‘pure’ and free of scandal. If this marriage was a garment, the tag must have read MADE IN HEAVEN on the collar.

You see, they’d both met at church and had similar tastes in almost everything. They both believed in the sanctity of a romantic relationship. They had made a covenant with God, their parents and themselves never to engage in sex before marriage. On this morning of their wedding day, tears rolled down the cheeks of almost all that were present at the plush, well manicured gardens. It was a sweet union. When the minister pronounced them man and wife, they kissed romantically and it was evident they had ran out of breath in the tight grip their love, diligently earned. And as the young maids showered confetti and rice on the love birds, the young ladies present at the wedding fell into a swoon and could not hide their envy. It was beautiful.

It’s been 6 months now and Lilly is crying in the kitchen while making dinner. On the kitchen table lies the lovely red roses that Sam sent to her office earlier during the day. She’s crying because she doesn’t know what to do. Sam has always been a good man. He makes her feel special and Lilly is sure he loves her. But this is not the reason why she is crying. She is sad. There is something about Sam that she can’t get out of her chest. Since they got married, they’ve only had sex 3 times and they both hated it. It was short, painful and devoid of all emotion that should ideally come with making love. Sam preferred to turn of the lights while they were at it and cautioned her against making any noises. Needless to say, the sex was over in the blink of an eye and he was snoring at the far end of the bed in no time. He seemed not interested in making love and this made Lilly feel inadequate and worthless. In the morning’s after, he wouldn’t touch her or kiss her good morning and was out of the house before first light. It felt like she disgusted him after sex.

She feels wasted for all those years she kept herself pure for marriage. According to Sam, sex ‘is not everything’. He prefers to cuddle and watch a movie over a nice meal. What I’m trying to say is, Sam has never had a chance to ‘practice’ and is therefore not confident with himself. He is a proud man and will not pause at the possibility of learning the art of making love. What a classic case of marriage made in heaven and a bed made at the carpenter’s. For now,  Lilly is holding on.

“It’s only been 6 months” she consoles herself. She shudders at the thought of living like this for a lifetime. Meanwhile, onlookers look at Lilly and Sam with envy wishing they too, had a marriage as blissful as this one. They look so cute together! MADE IN HEAVEN.

Meanwhile in downtown Nairobi,there’s a couple fighting at the bus stop. It’s Sharon and George. They call each other names and cuss loudly and in a short while, they are arrested by city council askaris and bundled in a waiting ‘cage van’. They’re charged with disturbing public order and fined a hefty amount each. After working together to contribute the sum, they’re let out in an hour. Once out, they kiss and make up and are laughing in no time. It’s been 10 years on and off in their  relationship so they’re used to this. Marriage is an issue that none of them wishes to discuss. They both believe that once they get married, the fights will get worse and they might end up splitting for good. In their opinion, marriage just complicates things.

Sharon and George have a great sex life. They both love exploring and learning new stuff. Weather in public or private, they show their affection fearlessly and passionately. They’re also addicted to what the new world calls ‘make up sex’. So most of their fights have a happy ending and are therefore petty. They play and live as if it’s always their last day alive.  At the bus stop, they were fighting because a pretty girl had said hi to George and Sharon had a hunch that the two had slept together before. Women can tell these things you know. Other than these ‘small’ misunderstandings every now and then, Sharon and George are generally a happy couple. They could live on sex alone, or so it seems. Each one of them has tried a different dish on several occasions but it seems this one still suffices at the end of the day. A wedding can wait. For now, they can love freely and work on their ‘imperfect’ relationship learning and changing. In the meantime,  the bed is the least of their worries. They’re doing just fine.

These two cases are just a a few that caught my eye. I have also seen many instances where both approaches have worked and the couples have enjoyed long healthy relationships. Most of us have been brought up on rules based on morality and religion but somewhere along the way, we get to realize life is real and very practical.

And finally, there are two people somewhere in the world who feel it is time to make a bold move. Be careful what you wish for. Everything has a price. One big question though; will you shop around and test before you buy or will you buy first and test when you get home? In both cases, the shop DOES not accept returns for goods once sold. Both scenarios have advantages and disadvantages but most of all, they are real. For once I hope you will not base your decision solely on religion or hearsay. For this one, just do you. And as for the guardians of religion and doctrine, maybe it is time you engaged your flock in discussion and reason. I believe more lives can be changed positively this way.

Let it be known that there’s definitely more to a relationship than just sex. There is love, work, money and family to consider too. However I chose to talk about sex because it’s what no one wants to talk about in honesty.

Remember, as you make your bed, so you must lie in it.

Happy Valentine’s Day.


Beware of who you marry….

The first time I met Maurice Matheka I couldn’t help noticing how easily he handled women. He’s one guy who always fascinates me in the way he understands the female psyche. He simply knows what women want. So when time comes for you to have a bridal shower just make sure you call this guy. Trust me. Not that I’ve been to a bridal shower but as a guy, I’ve learnt quite a bit from this brother. Go on, have a read and prove me wrong. I dare you. I think he is one brilliant orator and I hope that one day, I will be great enough to share a stage with him. To my readers, happy year one from A Day in Dog’s Life™. Leggo! – Michael Ngigi, A Day in a Dog’s life™

•••

By Maurice Matheka

Dear Maurice,

Where do I begin?

I am a wife and a mother of 5 children, my youngest is 14 years old. I was married at 22 and have been married for 28 years now. In those 28 years I have been through thick and thin with my husband regardless of what he throws at me I have stood by his side not because of the children but because I married for life, I am a big believer in till death do us part and will stick with it as I am not about to break my vows. Now in regards to my husband he has always been a traditionalist and that is something I have had to adapt to but it was not easy especially during our first 4 years of marriage.

When we met I was a very out going woman with plenty of friends and hobbies, needless to say he stripped me of those pleasures of life. He is a loving man who provides for his family and when it suits him he will treat me like the most special woman but unfortunately that is where the good side ends.  On our fourth year of marriage I came to find that he had an affair with my neighbour’s house help and got her pregnant. She was fired from her work and my husband did his part and decided to support the baby, which he still continues to do to date. I was upset as you can imagine and hated him for a while. I moved out to my friend’s place for 5 weeks but I later forgave him for his adulterous actions. Another part of the saga that annoyed me was that he defended his actions stating that in his culture he is allowed to have multiple wives and that I should not fuss about it because I would always be his first wife. Maurice I painfully took his words and despite the hurt I was determined to maintain my family no matter what.

Maurice asks,

It’s probably an obvious question but did you by any chance identify the kind of man you were dating before you married him; did you sense his traditionalist character?

She replied,

Yes I knew the kind of man he was and still is. I knew about his believes in regards to the family unit. I knew that his extended family led a certain life style where men married more than one wife so in a way I knew it may affect me however I also thought that he would discuss it with me and not impregnate a house help behind my back. I am very well aware that men who practice polygamy will always consult with their existing wife or wives before they introduce another woman to the family I never got that memo. Living with my husband has been an experience and I have learnt a lot about male unorthodox practices and behaviours.

Maurice’s comments,

You have been married long enough to assess your man and you have clearly accepted his character and the actions that come with that character, you also imply you know men pretty well, so at this point I must admit I am puzzled because I haven’t determined what it is you need from me?

She replied,

Maurice to my horror I recently found out from my husband’s close friend that he has 2 more children with the house help. I then visited her at her upcountry home and she confirmed the same. He built her a 3 bedroom house and apparently over the years he has been visiting her and spending weekends with her. In my mind it all added up because I prodded information from her about dates and she confirmed a lot. He supports her and guess what? His family knew about it, and behind my back she was traditionally confirmed as a second wife and life went on as if I never existed.

But here is the icing on the cake. While we were candidly chatting she happened to mention that in 2008 my husband acquired himself a young 19 year old girl from his home area and she has a 2 year old baby. It is alleged that he is in the process of confirming her. She is currently living with her parents but from what I hear he has received blessings to marry her and educate her through her campus years.

Maurice asks,

I must ask, is your husband wealthy? I mean, in this day and age it’s not easy to keep 3 wives.

She replied,

Well the man has a full time job as a company MD and 2 personal businesses so I guess he can afford the life style he chooses to live. I am a house wife but I also run a successful business which was funded by my husband over a decade ago.

I am lacking companionship, a loving full time husband, a man who only wants to be with me because I never thought I would share my man yet I am doing it everyday.

Maurice asks,

Do you really truly still love your husband or are you there because it’s an easier option to maintain status quo, the devil you know syndrome?

She replied,

Maurice I love that man. Whenever he comes home he finds a cooked meal waiting and I still share a bed with him and we still share intimate moments. During that period I shut out all other thoughts and enjoy every minute spent with him. I know I sound odd but love is a powerful feeling and I can’t ever leave him despite all the things he has put me through.

I want to tell him that I know about his other women and that I don’t care about that part of his life but he now needs to only provide for them and become exclusive to me. I need to feel like the woman he married. I am a very balanced and practical woman I cannot change what has occurred but I would like to believe that I have a future with my husband exclusively. I still have a lot of love and passion for him, so how can I convert him for him to see that I am all he needs in a woman?

Maurice replies,

My dear I would love to tell you that your current irregular relationship status will change in time but let’s review the facts. You have been married for a long time and from the beginning you knew the character you were marrying. Playing the supportive wife you allowed for things to escalate over the years. Your husband got another woman pregnant early in your marriage and in my opinion I believe there was never an honest heart to heart between you to share and establish a foundation of honesty and trust that would limit a repeat occurrence hence the additional kids with his first mistress, if I may call her that, and now there’s a third woman with child.

I believe that your husband suffers from a kind of narcissistic personality disorder. Let me shed some light to this behavior; your husband has worked hard to acquire not only a top management post but also 2 businesses. He craves ‘prestige’ and his wealth gives him that. He also craves to feel like a man which comes in many forms, in his case he has ‘power’ as a boss and he maintains 3 women and unlike the common trend in many men he makes sure that all his women are well catered for. And that he does not do out of the goodness of his loving heart, some may disagree but that’s my opinion. He may be the most loving man on the planet but his compulsive nature drives him to believe that he can love many women. My last hypothesis is that your husband at some stage of his life may have experienced a state of feeling inadequate and formulated a strategy to work hard, acquire what he needed to feel that he has conquered the World and you have been part of that development.

You can try and convert him as you put it, but I don’t see that path bearing any fruit. Your only viable option is to sustain the life you have led with your husband, cherish those moments you described and endeavor to make them as regular as possible. You have chosen to stay with him so as a practical woman it’s now your turn to strategize on ways of keeping your husband occupied.

Follow his blog on http://mauricetherapy.wordpress.com


Things We Never Say Part III


‘As I read ‘Things We Never Say‘ by Ahenda and Michael, I got thinking and reflecting… You know how some chiqs try to force into a man’s heart and world even when they know it will be a futile battle. She knows he is drowning in another chiq’s love…but she won’t quit. Some are prudent and recognize it…They then concede. Thanx Mike for another opportunity..and to Ahenda, my childhood pal for helping unblock the writer’s block I was facing…’
Liz Lenjo

Dear Michael,
Remember me? We met after your huge break up with your ex-girlfriend…What was her name? Ahaaa…Ahenda it is. I remember how we met: the little kahawa shop just by your office. You were starring at her picture. You looked so lost, drowning in the memory of her.

“He is so cute!” I thought to myself. That is why I sat next to you. I could see the hurt, the confusion and the sadness in how you would hold your cup of coffee; staring at it as though wishing it was beer. I knew I had a soul to rescue…a heart to save. Perhaps to save and have it for keeps. Hopefully change my ever bad luck with men.

You said hi back at me…and you did not find my obvious stares rude. I had to ask what was bugging you. And you opened up. In your voice I could feel your admiration and adoration for your lost love. A soul mate you called her. You were not certain why the two of you ended but you felt it was right. You kept trying to convince yourself that you would get over her and move on. Move on to another love with sparks as hot and cosmic as the previous.

I thought I was going to be IT-The answer to your heart ache, and the plaster to your heart break. It was an exercise in futility, but nonetheless, I had to give it a shot. You were my soldier, wounded in the cruel war…war of love. I hoped I was going to be the nurse…the nurse that puts you back together and wins you over. I wanted to be your knight and shining armour.

I wanted so bad to believe that you would like me…all the while, you were looking for the Ahenda in me. I could see it in your wishful eyes. You once asked me why I never loosened up and hang around in my undies…I was shy! I had tough shoes to fill, and I couldn’t be her. You cannot deny it Michael, you wished I were her. And now as I read your letters to her, I know I was fighting a losing battle. But I could not resist…Your charm, your smile…your finesse! I saw what Ahenda saw in you. But you could not see me for me…you were blinded. Blinded by a passion so strong and a bond so tight…sealed by destiny. Fate did not have it in store for a possible you and me…sigh!

I was surprised you had me around for so long…I knew I was fooling myself. But the desire to have you love me and want me like you constantly did her got the best of me. I was warned but I did not listen. Two years Mike!? What took you so long? What took me so long? I guess you were smutten…smitten…arrgggh! What is it about her? Now just after two months since we broke up, you are marrying her? Worst still, on the day of our ‘anniversary’? The first day I laid my eyes on you at the little kahawa shop by your office.

I should have just walked away…But then again, I concede. I raise my hat to the queen that captured your heart so…and dominated your entirety. May be I will be lucky someday to be an Ahenda to another lad…Only difference I will be an Elizabeth…Me!

Like Queen Elizabeth II remains in the English throne, he will be my dynasty…sans threats, sans insecurity.

My hat off to Ahenda…I concede. Love him like he loves you. Adore him like he adores you. I couldn’t steal his heart: It belonged to you in the first place! He is yours FOREVER.

I must confess I was sad when we finished the sequel for ‘Things We Never Say‘. The response from my readers was overwhelming! Almost all wanted the third issue. Well, the beautiful Liz Lenjo has saved the day. She has added an interesting angle to the whole saga. These are the things we go through in our lives. Liz Lenjo‘s words are powerful and sensual. She is a lawyer. I can’t help smiling when I try to imagine how she would present a case in court. Just don’t dare go up against her.
– Michael Ngigi



Things We Never Say: Part II

By Ahenda Anjichi
I remember the first part of “Things We Never Say”; I was thrilled to write something with such a playful twist to it, so when
Michael told me about the readers’ demands for a “sequel” I was humbled-people actually enjoyed reading what Michael and I can came up with! So relish this second bit, I hope to meet Michael someday soon, perhaps we can have a tete a tete and work on something bigger-which would give such a gratifying buzz. 🙂

I will always be a devoted fan of this blog and I am indebted for the feature in it.

Again and again-thanks Michael.

– Ahenda



Panting.

Breathless.

My heart is beating faster and slower at the same time…

My thighs quiver and my mind races, I can’t seem to recollect my thoughts,

My head is floating in the cloud,

My skin feels warm and liquid, like melted chocolate…

I can still taste the wine at edge of my lips but my tongue holds traces of your passion bridled kiss!

I sit up a little straighter, taking in the familiar surroundings: the darkening creamish-off white walls, the dark mahogany dresser and mirror set, the bottles of cologne lining up and the ticking organza wall clock…the king size bed with the wrought iron and pine wood frame, low set so that my toes tease the floor as I dangle there, still mesmerized by the intensity of the feeling of having you throb inside me…

I am enveloped in wonder, the feeling in my body and soul seem to be in a chorus of your praises, singing out loud in awe of your touch, your skin against mine, your pleasure-tinged moan against my ear, my legs wrapped around your neck, the firmness of your grip on my hips…

A chorus of praise in your honor as I reached my peak, as this melody in my body came to a climax; I can only vaguely remember screaming, in between my tears, how much I had missed this…

How much I ached to feel you push against my delicate skin and let your manly pride erupt into me,

Oh dear Lord, how I have missed you. So much.

Thinking about you on the lonely rides to work,

Realizing as I sit before the T.V alone that a part of me was missing because nobody snatched the remote from my hand to switch to the Premier League,

Cooking and serving only one plate,

Getting the laundry done in an hour instead of two,

Having only one scent that lingers on,

Hugging pillows,

Going on meaningless dates decorated with tasteless small talk.

“I love you” I used to whisper in the dark, to an image of you etched in my memory…holding that dazzling ring in my palm, wishing it was on my finger.

Smiles: It does look good on my finger; pretty damn good…even more so given the fact that the wine has powdered it with such grace and color, it seems so much bigger and brighter.

You stir into my arms and we kiss…

It took a random night out with the girls, a whole lot of loud music and shoulders brushing for me to have spotted you across the dance floor, sitted at a table, your eyes piercing my soul…and my feet floating to you, my hand outstretched into a somber greeting and beautiful “catch-up” conversation for me to end up back home-in your arms, in this room we shared.

I am home. My heart is home. My soul is home. My body is home.

With you.

What was I thinking when I left?

I tap you to wake you, knowing the surprised look your face would have. (I kept the ring, hanging on my neck by a sterling silver chain)

“Mikey…”

You give me a sleepy, smiling stare.

With my hand held high to show off the finger that now adorns the ring,

“Let’s get married tomorrow”

By Michael Ngigi
Last night at the club felt like christmas on February the thirtieth. I couldn’t help noticing  when you walked in. For a moment, the music went mute and the only colors I could see were in your eyes. When you stretched your hand to greet me I couldn’t help noticing the ring on your necklace. A sign. A declaration that we weren’t over yet. Conversation. Holding your tiny waist. Your dress wrapping your body delicately as if by permission. It all came back. You still wear the cocktail ring we bought for a song. Diamonds would die to have you.

Our clothes became a nuisance when we opened the door. Heat of passion. Patience is a vice.  The kissing wasn’t enough. We had longed for each other. Lusted shamelessly after each other. The feel of your skin in my hand ignited the rage I had stored up inside. And your stars awoke in orchestra when I kissed your breasts. Strawberry body mist. I felt you grow weak as I carried you to the bed that had been a bed of thorns only a few hours before. Now there you lay, as if on a cloud. Calling out to me in urgency. Threatening to strike me with lightning if I wasted a second more outside the gates of heaven.

Then everything turned beautiful. Colors. Sounds. The taste of hard work and sweet sweat. The crescendo of innocent lovemaking and the strength of your thighs wrapped around my waist like a spider. Your tears dripping back from your eyelids. A sight that weakens me. Finally, my tremor, eruption and then the long earthquakes that followed your surrender, came in pulses in the long moments that followed. Our hands intertwined and the hope that this wasn’t a dream.  You were weak and so was I and as we lay back on the bed to listened to the music of our lives. I knew the ring was in the wrong place.

I can hear your breathing. I feel your gaze on me as I sleep. This time I know you’re not going anywhere. Our search has led us to each other.

Hey Ahenda, I hate myself. I hate myself for this fatal attraction that makes me hard when I think of you. I hate that all the while we went out searching for ourselves, I was looking for you in every woman I kissed. They were pretty but not beautiful. They were intelligent but not interesting and funny. Yes, they were attractive but not as magnetic and as sexy as you are. They came in all sizes but none was perfect for me like you are. I’d missed how you used to run around my house in your tiny underwear. How the hell would they ever figure that out?

Yes I hear you calling my name. I love it when you do. Wake me up with a kiss. Whisper in my ear that tuneless song you cook up to confuse me. Work on me and let me open my eyes just to see your face twisted in sweet surrender yet fully in charge. Strawberry body mist. A moan in a language that only my body knows.

This time the roses will be a true reflection of how I feel about you. Virtuous woman meant for me. The one who’s heart I’m after. For the son we planned to have. For the beautiful moments we have together. Life lies wide ahead of us.

The stones on the ring stand glittering in awe of your beauty. The silver band that holds them together, holds on to your finger. Just like I hold on to you. Strength to hold also needs strength to hold on to. You and I. Yes let’s get married tomorrow!

Things We Never Say’ remains one of the most successful posts on my blog thanks to the exemplary skill of Ahenda Anjichi. My respect goes out to her. Most of our readers still can’t believe that I have actually never met Ahenda in person! I am however humbled and motivated that she has taken the time to grace this fast growing blog. I am optimistic that we will work on more projects together in future. This second part of ‘Things We Never Say’came as a result of huge demand from our readers who were protesting that we left them in suspense. Well there’s a happy ending! Please feel free to leave your comments.

– Michael


Long Distance ER

So one of my readers (Hi Esy!) asks me to comment on long distance relationships. I am biased. So I turn to my brother Patrick Wanyoike from the University of Iowa. This is what he has to say.

To all my people in HILDAR (Humans In Long Distance Affairs and Relationships)

He opened up the letter with a mixture of anticipation and dread. He had been waiting for this letter for months. His future was literally in his hands.  It was good news, great news. But great news didn’t bring with them the sadness that he felt. He didn’t know whether to jump up and down with joy or fall over crying in sadness. He put the letter aside and dialed.

She sat across to him; she could tell he was worried. His voice over the phone sounded vexed. He handed her the letter. She read it and shouted in joy! He had his scholarship to Harvard, a dream come true. Now he could finally live up to his great potential.  It finally hit her; he would be 7180.5 miles away, approximately 11,555.89459 km away. She knew this, thanks to Google. She had prayed for, and against it for quite a few months. Her emotions were mixed, should she smile or cry? Why did he have something smart to say? What would that mean for her? For the relationship? Was he breaking up with her?

The months came and went. That night as they took him to the airport, she slowly wept on his shoulder. It was a gloomy night, one of those cold nights in late July. “How befitting,” she thought. Life was so unfair. “Why did he fly out at night? Couldn’t he do it on sunny day?” But even a sunny day would not alleviate the gloom she felt. They exchanged sad goodbyes and he smiled at her and promised to come back to her, someday. They kissed, and she watched him disappear through the airport doors and out of her life. The emails, texts , calls, tweets, pokes, video calls came in a flood as soon as he got there, but as time went by, they slowed down to a trickle and soon it was an occasional post on her wall on holidays and her birthday. His relationship status changed from “in a relationship” to “it’s complicated” to “single” and back again to “in a relationship with (not her name)”.  It was over. Who was to blame?

Sounds familiar, doesn’t it? Maybe it hasn’t happened to you but it happened to someone you know. It happened to me. Long distance relationships are harder than marriages, in my opinion at least. You have two people who want to be together but are physically apart.  Hence, a good number of long distance relationships fail, some say over 95%. That means 5% actually survive the distance and make the relationship work. How? Read on….

Relationships are hard work. Add distance to the whole mix and you got yourself a quandary.  So how exactly do you work through this? How do you keep the romance alive while being miles away from your loved one? First and foremost, like with every relationship, you both have to agree to make it work. You have to be in sync. The success of any relationship, long distance or otherwise, depends largely on the effort both partners are willing to put in for keeping their love alive. To me, making a long distance relationship work is much like baking a cake. You have to mix the ingredients just right, bake at the right temperature and for just the right amount of time. Mess one of these up and you have a cake yes, but not a very good one.   The ingredients to a successful long distance relationship are trust, patience, communication, visits, positivity and an end goal.

Most relationships have an issue with trust.  A long distance relationship calls for lots and lots of trust. Both of you need to raise your trust level to all-time highs. You are no longer there to check on who calls him or her. Being miles away from each other is a real test of trust. You have to realize that you are no longer there to police their lives and if you have jealousy issues then probably your relationship won’t survive the distance. Trust comes hand in hand with patience as you might have to wait, a few months or a few years (depending on the distance) before you see your loved one.

Long distance relationships are truly for super people, they have super trust and super patience. Now super communication is needed. Communication has to be constant and more frequent. It has to be part of your daily schedules, which you stick to without fail. It means taking advantage of every form of communication possible. From Facebook to Twitter, Oovoo to Skype, emails, calls, texts.  Constant contact ensures that you keep abreast of each other’s ups and downs.  It’s the only way that you can help your partner through the hard times and share in each other successes.  Without communication, you might as well be strangers whose only connection is a relationship status on Facebook.

People are highly critical of long distance relationships. One popular saying is that, “Fimbo ya mbali haiui nyoka,” But the need to kill a snake, will only arise if you let a snake come into the relationship. A positive mind set ensures that you keep the snakes out and change that saying to “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” Take this chance to be more romantic, write a love letter, and send flowers. Let your creative juices flow and come up with ways on how you can keep the love burning. Sending small romantic gifts from time to time are also great ways to impress your partner in a long distance relationship. It is also better to add a personal touch to whatever you decide to send. Undoubtedly, every time your partner sees your gift, he or she will be reminded of you and your love for her/him. For this reason, it is better to select gift items that you can both relate to in terms of each other. If you share common interest in movies or music, creating and sending a collection of your beloved’s favorite numbers often becomes a good option. While spending time away from you, your partner would definitely love to hear your voice time and again. Making some voice recording and sending it as a gift is also a good option in a long distance relationship.

As your relationship progresses it is important to ensure that you do see each other every so often. You need to plan your visits as physical interaction is an integral part of any relationship.  With time every long distance relationship comes to an end. It is better to plan the ending rather than have to live with one that fate brings along. Thus it is vital to set an end goal for your relationship. Will one person move?  Will you meet halfway? Where are you headed with your relationship? You cannot keep going on with no goals in mind and allowing circumstance to dictate what happens. Take control and make things happen as long distance relationships are not meant to be perpetual.

This is just a rough guide to making a long distance relationship happen and I owe thanks to Liz, Helen and Shiku for their input.  For those in long distance relationships, kudos! We could all learn something from you. And here is a little something to make life a little easier. A list of 90 things you can do with your long distance partner.