See the World Through My Eyes

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Let’s just ‘rig-in’ this Bad Dog

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Landing Cave Men

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It’s been ages since I wrote a post. I missed you and I have so much to tell you. It’s been quite a ride I must say but first, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. Do you realize  that A Day in a Dog’s Life is probably one of the first books written publicly by an author together with his readers? That makes me a very proud man. I am thankful and hopeful that this book will be sold and pirated widely. A Day in a Dog’s Life is now selling on Amazon so let’s get online and buy. In the meantime, let’s write another one. Time’s a wasting.

I won’t lie to you, like most of my friends, I never thought it would turn out like this. The idea of being seriously hooked to someone let alone being attached for life was never one I toyed with. I was never really a ‘bad’ guy in my previous life but the mere thought of bidding farewell to the free world scared me. It would never have occurred to me that I would find my way home in the end.

We got married on a lovely morning on the twelfth of December, on an arc over a sparkling pool of blue water. You should have seen the green dew bathed grass glittering under the warm yellow of the sun as my circle of friends made every effort to make this day a dream. And after waiting a century-long seven minutes for emancipation, I finally saw her. I felt boyishly stupid. Even after three years, my insides still melted whenever I saw her. She looked outrageously beautiful in her iced out white dress and little silver ballet shoes. I couldn’t believe how badly I wanted her and even though weddings are normally scripted, I couldn’t help miming an ‘I love you’ to her as she cruised to me. Too bad she couldn’t ignore me because I spoke to her heart. Love was thick in the air as we met on the bridge that I could feel the water steam below. Had this gone on any longer we surely would have set the place on fire.

Yeah, that is me going all emotional. At this point I don’t really mind being a wuss because it feels right. So far so good; I think we’ll be okay. Please don’t ask me how marriage life is or when we’re planning on having a baby because we’re just riding the wave. It’s more fun that way. There’s no formula to it. You wake up each day to work on your boat lest it starts leaking. There will be bad days but more importantly, there will be great moments. You fight, you make up. You love and piss each other off and through all these times you learn to respect the one you’re with.

I will tell you some truths that most married men would find uncomfortable. The reality of their pasts and the turbulence that led them to become love’s greatest martyrs. Ask any person who’s ever been married (willingly out of pure love), it is a great feeling and for a moment your life flashes before your eyes. So why did I get to the point of giving in? Why would I leave the pursuit of all the lovely women I have met in my life to settle for this [annoyingly beautiful] woman that is the love of my life?

I’ve had a good life. That, I must admit. I’m talking about dating and any kind of relationship that a man and a woman can possible have. I remember the first kiss I got was when I was about seven or something close. I can’t remember well. Here’s the interesting part, it was this girl who was about fifteen years older than I was. I’m sure she didn’t kiss me because I was this hot dwarf alpha male. I just happened to bust her kissing another girl and I got curious. So In exchange for my silence I got one wet kiss from this head buzz of a girl on knees. I’m sure she found my kiss wanting but I didn’t care. Think of it like Halle Berry trash talking you as  a bad lay. I’d be least bothered. Well, this girl was definitely not a Berry but I thought she was hot at the time. Well, kids tend to appreciate beauty in an awkward way. Boobs first and everything else is a complication. I think every kid under thirteen is a hippy on the inside coz I had this awkward crush on this girl for a long time after the experience that she became my religion. I hope my parents will skip reading this part.

Anyway moving on, sex soon came and luckily, I had it with a much older and experienced girl. Then there came the dry high school years where you just date and write lots of sob letters from ‘prison’. I always hated how we had to be locked up most of the year. We rarely saw women and to some, that was the beginning of an array of disorders that today’s man comes with. How did we even survive those four years? I think we were constantly emotionally confused and desperate but it was part of growing up. I hated school; I’ve had a few good memories of high school though.

Then came the college years where dating opportunities were in plenty but very few were actually viable.  At some point I dated this girl that hardly knew a word in english or any language that I could speak. So we just settled on facial expressions to communicate and cuss words to fight. Good thing we were both broke and she’d never been to a date so it was a good thing to my empty pockets. She was a refugee and I was a runaway and this gave us some sort of consolation. I’ll tell you about it a story or two from now. Naturally it didn’t last and we both had to move on. That was a long time ago and I skimmed through a number of relationships each time believing that I’d finally got it right till I got to a point where I wanted something serious.

That’s when I experienced my first bout of cold feet.

Why is it so hard for men to get to that point of proposing? Why do we fear commitment or making promises? There was this pal of mine who had this girl who was always pressuring him to propose because she was ‘running out of time’. Every time he took her out for a date she’d start saying yes even before they could pick their order from the menu. He found it annoying and suffocating how she kept on sending him pro marriage emails. Then came my other friend who was with his girlfriend just because she was a good lay. She couldn’t boil an egg to save her life and she lacked manners. He left her at the altar when he considered that she’d promised him a threesome on their wedding night. Why the hell would a man in his right mind marry a girl that doesn’t see the awkward nature of a threesome on the night of their marriage?

There are so many reasons why men are afraid to commit and every one of them is valid. One thing I would advise any man who hasn’t reached that commitment part of his life is, explore! Meet all the women you can find. You always believe you’ve met or seen the most beautiful woman till you venture out of your small scope. There are WOMEN in the world but like in a convenient store, they come offering different things. Most of us are afraid of losing that one that we think is the only one we have. We rush in too fast for the kill like hyenas even when there exists some doubt. Beauty alone doesn’t cut it (although it must be present). Don’t end up with someone YOU don’t consider beautiful. At the same time, this beauty that you behold must be genuine. There is character and a whole list of other things. What I have come to consider important is the realisation that the person who you end up with is and will be DIFFERENT from you in many aspects. We are raised differently and our ways and opinions don’t have to match. With that said, don’t be in a hurry to commit and most of all, take good time in knowing and developing yourself.

To prevent cold feet, it is advisable to blurt out all your secrets while still in the romance stage. Love, lust & infatuation makes a good buffer for telling one another your past sins and mistakes. It is at this stage where anything can pass and be forgiven. Never at any one point imagine your exclusive partner will forgive you for waiting until the two of you get serious to tell him that you slept with his brother. It only breeds resentment. Remember. There’s always a valid reason for every fight. Since a man and a woman are created differently, they will almost always be at war save if they choose to fit into one another’s shoes.

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There are things about a man that will never change. He will always need his cave time whether married or not. A man without cave time has baggage that no woman can handle. Cave time is how a man deals with his problems and challenges. Secondly a man will always value his associates; both male and female, family or friends. I think we’re just wired to stick to and pay homage to what makes us who we are. I wouldn’t advise any woman to tamper with that aspect in a man especially during dating. If he ever catches the slightest whiff that you have reservations about the people or things he values most, he will drop you like a hot potato. I wouldn’t advise any woman to try replace any friend in a man’s life. It’s easier and much more fulfilling to create your own space in his life. Take time to understand the things you can’t change about him. Find their origin and just understand. If you can’t take the implications, then jump off that boat early.

Dear women, a real man is wired for risk. He will lay down his life for anything he finds important even soccer. The worst you can do is try turn him into a wuss because you will have to live with it. Let the man fight and get all the scars he can get. Let him dismantle everything in the house just try reassemble it however destructive he may be. Let him go fishing and drinking with the boys so he can have gripping stories to tell your future kids. The boy in a man never dies.  Avoid accompanying him to the garage or to the bar to hang out with his boys. Men hate that. You can imagine how awkward it would get if your boyfriend was chatting with your girls at the salon while you were in the dryer. I know you get what I’m trying to say. Sort that out. If you are the type that will blow your man’s phone with those surgical-location-based-trick-questions, just don’t get into a relationship. Sort that out first. You’ll turn him into a liar and he’ll resent you.

Finally, I’m no professional on issues of marriage as I’m still new in the field but I have a few things I can talk about confidently. First a wedding is not a marriage. It is an event that comes and goes in the blink of an eye. A marriage is a lifestyle and an experience that should last an eternity. It also happens to be a school where two stupid and selfish people learn to rely on each other and efficiently achieve goals as a team. Therefore is it not wiser to plan more for marriage than a wedding? Think about it. Loving and taking care of another person has more meaning and fulfilment to it.  Sometimes you will have differences and conflict but at the end of the day you learn to appreciate your individualities. Secondly, don’t force yourself into it if it’s not your time. Dear women, the whole story about a biological clock is still not good enough as an excuse to settle for someone you’re not sure about.  As for my brothers, take your time to shop and ponder on who you want to settle with. That is all.

Magna Cum Laude

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These days I find everything funny. I have resigned to the fact that after the rain comes the sun. After a feeding frenzy comes a satisfied fart. Every new set back in life looks like the end of it all. When you survive it, you can’t help basking in the cameras and flood lights. Suddenly, you’re an inspiration and you secretly fantasize that Hollywood will eventually do a movie based on your crap achievement. You have become this prompt status updater who wants to advise all the miserable people of the world. You’re stupidly sure that someone will learn from your over exaggerated weak attempt at own-ball-licking. You wish this moment can stretch longer like a hot mess of chewing gum. Who are you to think you’re so smart? Who gave you the right to think you’re such an entertainer?

So today I choose to tell you a story about someone I know. Maybe you’ll learn from it or at least use it to look like a smart ass in the bar. I won’t charge you. After all, this is a true story.

Mr. Macharia is the typical Kikuyu man. At 60, he is happily retired and lives in a townhouse with his wife of 35 years. He’s never stepped into a kitchen unless there was a ‘rat’ situation that his wife could not deal with. Old Macharia believes that women should always be served the softest parts of a goat, namely the tongue, liver and kidneys. That young boys should be left to fight over  the ears, knee caps and charred hoofs after everyone else has had their fill. After all, they’ll have all their lives to fend for their own goats. He believes that girls belong to the kitchen and boys belong to the fields to watch goats and hopefully get a chance to fight off  hyenas while they are at it.  He believes that a man should grow a beard unless he’s a woman. A woman should not be seen hanging around a butchery because she may be tempted to leave her man for a kilo of meat offered under the counter by the butcher. He doesn’t believe in inheritance for daughters and finally, he doesn’t trust ATM cards and light skinned petite women. In short, he doesn’t give a belch what you think. The world should have order and it would be stupid to fix or service something that’s not broken.

This one time he decided to have a drink at a popular joint in Kasarani fondly known as ‘Carwash’. With him were two young men  almost 40 years his junior who happen to be his errand boys. Drinking with younger men has never bothered Macharia. As long as they’re not childish, a man is as good as the next man regardless of their age. That is Macharia’s policy. Anyway on this particular night just as the three were about to finish their beers, two light-petite women strolled into the bar looking dolled up and supple. Their restless but confident eyes were a sure sign that they were in the bar on ‘business’. Seeing that everyone’s stare was on these wobbly-bottomed-sex-hungry looking  bad girls, Macharia did not waste any time. He jumped from his seat and escorted them to his table. Macharia has always been a winner and since he looked like a wealthy old man, the other patrons at the bar gave up trying to signal the stunner girls to their tables. You just can’t fight old money with some little cash from your ages.

He ordered wine for them and suddenly, they night seemed to liven up for the three men. Now in every situation such as this, the man that’s buying the drink has to get the most beautiful girl while the rest of the men are left to fight for the rest. In this case, the ‘young boys’ were left to fight over the ears and hoofs. Being a seasoned pick up artist, Macharia was quick to lay down his terms of engagement with this hot take home girl. He made sure that she knew the rules. All of them. That he would buy her drinks and any other refreshment she needed for the night in return for a ‘steamy session’ thereafter. She agreed whore-heartedly.

After a few hours of heavy drinking and dirty dancing with the little girls, Macharia popped his pill and declared it was time to go and sort the ‘other issue’. The young men bade him goodnight and said they would stay on with the ‘hoof’ for a little longer as they pondered over who among them was going to take her home.

Once outside, Macharia went on his cellphone to try find a cab to his favorite lodging or ‘kichinjio’ as it is known among his peers. His date Shiku however, had other better ideas. She reasoned with him it was not good to waste money on cabs and lodgings when it could be used in better ways like paying for her campus fee. Clearly, Macharia had never experienced such a smart hooker. He gave in and was eager to go because his pills were kicking in. Things were getting conveniently hard. You see for Macharia an erection is a blessing. It’s hard to come by and it is equally hard to know if it will happen tomorrow. They got into his car and drove for 15 minutes before going off road into Ngomongo. A hard knock neighborhood located in the valley behind the Moi International Sports Centre. Macharia remembered he had been here before in the early eighties to buy some land. He’d even forgotten where his plot was. It was still out there somewhere, but that will be a story for another day.

They drove through the slum occasionally shining their headlights on random hoodlums here and there. The stench of burst sewerage was overwhelming. It felt like driving through a huge ass. After a maze of turns, they reached Shiku’s house. Sorry I hadn’t mentioned her name before. In a bit you’ll know why. So Shiku lived in the middle of the slum in a one room house that stood by itself, surrounded by what appeared to have been future plans of an unfinished construction. Her house was right smack in the middle of one of the most unknown and feared neighborhoods in Nairobi like a queen bee’s pod.

By this time, Macharia was so hard he was pulpitating. He gripped Shiku’s buttocks as she fumbled with the padlock. This caused her to drop the padlock in surprise. Macharia trusted himself. He was a go getter and straight to the point. It was rumored that he had the strength of a ram when it came to women. That once he worked on a girl she’d beg for her life from the opposite side of he room wailing loudly in bewilderment. Maybe that’s how he came to be known as the ‘carpenter’. Shiku tried to grop for the padlock in the dark but had to give up as Macharia pushed her into the house in his wild uncontrollable heat of lust. He kissed her and at one point his tongue was deep in her throat but it felt like there was a struggle. He couldn’t understand why she kept on pushing him away. After all he had made it clear how it was going to go down. She slithered out of his grasp as he tried to tear off her top. They went on like this until Shiku spoke up in a rather terrified tone. She blurted that he was scaring her and that she was fearful he’d strangle her. This stopped Macharia in his tracks. He had never been accused of been rough with a woman let alone a prostitute. He had always known he was a romantic. Smooth lined in every way. Maybe it was the pilled. he fought himself down. With his erection now humbled, Macharia started comforting Shiku in low soothing tones. Telling her that he wasn’t a bad man and that he’d wait till she was ready. And as if to test him, Shiku dared him to hold her and spoon her till she fell asleep. This way they’d wake up in the morning to make love.

Macharia gave in and spent the last few hours to dawn caressing Shiku and running his mouth all over her neck and back until he fell asleep.

Macharia woke up in a start. Shiku wasn’t there. He quickly ran to the window and sighed. At least his car was still there, intact. He got out and sighed again. There she was, coming from the kiosk a few feet from the house. She had a funny scared look about her. He could feel the anger flare within him and he wasn’t about to let her give another excuse. He had bought her drinks and it had to pay off. He beckoned her to come back to the house  and do due diligence but she had other plans. Without warning, she started screaming at the top of her lungs. In the most whorish of shrieks, she shouted that he wanted to rape her and strangle her. This being a slum, a crowd soon formed and was in no time baying for Macharia’s blood. They were carrying, whips and stones, ready to smash his car and lynch him. The tension between the haves and have nots is usually a deep rooted one. Macharia had not option than to beg for his life and a chance to explain himself. He narrated how he had met Shiku the previous night and how they ended up in this standoff. Now in the hood the people’s court is usually very fair. For after hearing his side of the story they asked Shiku if it was true. She admitted it was.

Now the crowd turned on her and demanded that she pay her dues to the ‘poor man’ who had even volunteered to drive her home in his expensive Audi. They forcefully pushed her into the house and vowed that they’d only let her out if the old man had satisfied himself having her.

Inside the house, Shiku desparately tried every excuse in the book to get off but Macharia would hear nothing of it. She said she was on her periods but Macharia brushed it off saying he liked his sex messy. She tried the STD card but he countered by saying it still didn’t scare him as he had only a few years to live too. Then finally, she told him that she wasn’t a woman to which he laughed until he fell down in an epileptic giggle.

“Why don’t you remove your pants and I will go!” He dared her. “If you’re a man I’ll fire up my car and go home in peace!” He continued laughing like a mad man.

Then slowly, Shiku unclasped her skirt from behind and let it down. Then she turned round. There it was. Cello-taped to his right thigh. The biggest and longest Macharia will ever see of a man’s fire arm.

Macharia is a quiet man these days. As I said. He hates light petite human beings, both male and female…whatever.

….

It feels great to be back on the scene doing my thing that is writing. I especially thank all those who sent me hate mail during my disappearance.  A lot happened while I was away. I married the love of my life and I guess that was the best part. I’ll tell you about it in my ucoming post ‘Of Cold Feet, A Man & a Marriage’.

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Too Late

toolateHe got out of the house and banged the door behind him in anger. He felt she didn’t know how much he had sacrificed only for her to repay him how she did. He felt the lump in his throat grow bigger and harder and he could not help but choke as tears forced their way out beneath his quivering brows. He felt bitter and he could feel the uncomfortable heat of rage churning his insides. How could she? The mother of his child and his only wife  that he had learned to love so much? She’d kept it from him all these years and now it made so much sense. He’d always wondered how it happened. No one seemed to know the details and no one seemed to care. He couldn’t bring himself to acknowledge that she was capable. This time he wouldn’t forgive her. How much more harm was she capable of? He knew this was the last straw. He walked in the rain for hours late into the night. In his hand was a bottle of whisky. The third one since he got out of the house. In his pocket were four pictures. A story of how he’d buried each of his children who’s lives were snuffed out at exactly six months of age. Strange but all the deaths were attributed to some vague ‘condition’ he still couldn’t understand. After 7 years she chose to tell him today. Her eyes were empty and she had this look that was scary and aloof. She did it. She’d pressed a pillow over their faces one by one. Their hands were to feeble to fight her off. The mother has power over her offspring. She feared that he’d stop loving her.

And as he staggered into his front door, there she was staring blankly into the white. At first he thought she was floating in the air in her murderous trance  but a flash of lighting revealed the rope behind her neck. He was too late. He knelt down as his knees gave way to a hopeless weakness. And at the far corner of the room, his son sat there playing happily with his toys oblivious of his dead mother’s dangling stunt.

Today is little Jonah’s graduation. Wait, he’s not little anymore. He’s graduating from one of the best universities in the world. As his name is read out, one can’t help wonder how hard the road has been for him. You see his father suffered a stroke just after his mother’s suicide. He suffered another stroke during Jonah’s last year in campus. Now he’s sitting at the front of the crowd where the disabled have been allocated spaces just below the dais. He can’t talk. He can only show his excitement by drooling some more. It’s been a tough 14 years for him and Jonah. It’s almost as if Jonah had understood their predicament all through the years for he worked really hard. Now he was top of his class. Little do they (father and son) know that that Jonah’s dad would die the week after the graduation; peacefully. This time, he wasn’t too late. At least he saw his son become something.

This short story is dedicated to a friend who I chose not to name. He happens to be one of the most successful young people of our time. It’s never too late to tell a story.

Blood in the Water

Just as a drop of blood in the ocean attracts a frenzy of sharks from miles away, there are certain types of man that are very magnetic to women. For the man who wishes to know how he can raise his profile, I’d suggest you read this and share it as wide as possible. To my sisters, I will try as much as possible to steer clear of hurting your feelings as I explain my view. Discussion like these usually end in a stalemate. But first, a disclaimer is necessary. I have no moral or technical authority to advise on relationships. I have come to acknowledge that the whole relationship affair is a complex algebra that we never really get to solve. It’s funny how many people are hiding in the comfort of what has come to be the biggest façade of all time. Most men are getting a raw deal when it comes to relationships. I will therefore speak solely on behalf of the boy child. I will tell you why the modern man is in trouble. I will do so by talking about every type of man I know. So back to my topic. The men that attract; blood in the water.

The good man
He is good natured and always has good intentions in everything he does. He is the guy that opens the door for you and brings you breakfast in bed DAILY. He never forgets your birthday and  every other anniversary as long as it means something to you. He listens to you and never gets tired of putting up with your flat jokes. He doesn’t mind kissing you even when your mouth is filled with the ‘ass smelling’ mixture of bread and tea. He asks you for permission whenever he has to pee or poop. What do you know! He has your picture in his wallet and office desk. He listens to mushy music and is very in touch with his emotions. This man lacks an aggressive bone in his being and seems to be liked by everyone. He is focused on you and you are sure he will never play you. Those lovely romantic texts in the middle of the day are just SO HIM. Your friends are envious of you and your puppy.

To the ladies: If you have this type of man, hold on to him tightly because he  is a fast declining species. He is going to be very good for you when you are past your mid ages [if you get what I mean]. He bottles up emotions and gets very bitter when he is betrayed. He is the most likely to turn into a bad man when his options run out. If you want to protect your sisters in future, don’t mess with this man now.

To the men: If you are this type of man, I have a mixture of admiration and worry for you. You see as much as women claim to prefer your type, they really would prefer the opposite. Correct me if I’m wrong but how many have let you down? The last one cheated on you right? The world spits on the good man. They want excitement and the drama that comes as bad boys. Women are addicted to turbulence and for some reason, they seem to like it when the boat is on the rocks. One word. Thrill. You don’t have it good boy and that will be your downfall.

The rich man
Like black oil, he is rich, attractive and very liquid. He dresses well and seems to always have an in-house barber. He is cultured and literally gives the other men in your life (including your man) a run for their money. A date with him makes you feel like a Bond™ girl. He is the man with a plan. Have you ever been to the Mara? This type of guys make it happen. Then there’s this status thing. Women will envy you. Some of them even have the nerve to tell you they prefer this guy to your ‘good guy‘ who’s back in the house doing the dishes.

He treats you to the fine things in life. What’s more, he is single and searching. He is just the perfect playboy.

To the ladies: Good luck on your find. He could be a good guy. One thing is clear, these type of men are not good for the women without ambition. At first it will be all rosy but after a while they will need to connect with like minded people. No successful man wants to be with a woman who can’t hold it down on her own. It’s just the way the world works.I’d advice that you adopt an aggressive method of protecting this man and looking out for his interests. It works like magic.

To the men: If you are this rich man, you are definitely blood in the water and the sharks are heading your way fast. Try as  much as possible to never commit until you are ‘tricked’ well. Most of they women interested in you are after your success. With that said, there are still good women out there who will be attracted to you in good faith. You just need to be aware of your surroundings. Meet and date as many women as possible. About you money, do take care of the people that really matter to you. When was the last time you got your family together?

The bad boy
This one never commits. He always has women wailing after him. He gets them, dates them, beds them and he is done. No strings attached. He spends money mostly on himself and the rest he invests in women who will give him a good return. One curious thing though, women have come to like this breed. Everything about them (bad boys) is attractive and they seem to say everything right. The thrill of being with such a guy is irresistible. The allure they posses makes them very valuable targets. There is so much loneliness and want in the world today and all you need sometimes is just a person who can ‘sort you out’ as you look for your Mr. Right. I know, I know… He probably has your underwear from last time still hanging on his fridge as a trophy. He is the guy with the prettiest women and guess what else? They don’t mind!

To the women: I know you’re probably thinking that one day you will change him. I just hope you can say listen to yourself. You are part of a statistic. Remember those thongs you saw at his place? He is definitely not a cross dresser, believe that. He is just an honest man who has decided to be honest with himself. In my opinion, he is the most straightforward guy in the spectrum. Unfortunately you know what we say about a woman who’s been around. If you have to do it, just be discreet and please don’t do it when you’re in a relationship. As boys we look out for each other. If not, we brag out loud with every conquest. You’ll be on the news soon.

To the men: Is this you? Let me just say this man to man, you are a star! You are the villain too! You are the man responsible for the shortlist. You clear the way so that the good man doesn’t have trouble in choosing a good woman. You are probably one of the few men who know how dissatisfied people can be. You help out the desperate and those in search for adventure. You break hearts and feel jerk about it. I cannot blame you though. You always state your intentions before you ‘touch and go’ so technically you are the better guy.

The runner
They call this type ‘hussler’. He is a paper chaser among other things. He most probably runs his own business. He believes ever moment spent well, means more. Be it money or relationships. He approaches life in a business sense. He will not be with you if you don’t give him anything in return. He values his friends and family more than anything else. He is the type that takes the biggest risks. He doesn’t trust anyone especially women. He is practical and he compliments rarely. When he says something positive about his woman, she takes it seriously because his approval is hard to come by. He is not an emotional creature but he happens to be strangely romantic. He believes in sticking where there is good business so he will stick and invest in a good woman. He is uncultured and doesn’t give a rat’s ass if a chicken just farted in china.

He has ambition and is always trying to win. He doesn’t rely on job security but he makes things happen all the same. He has his highs and lows.

To the women: This type of guy is one whole tricky affair. It could work or fail because he doesn’t give promises. Women are always looking for a guy who will give them security. This, is a catch 22. On a positive note, this type ends up striking gold almost always. The bible says that man will live by the sweat of his brow. This is it. Unfortunately, there are no guarantees. Be it romance or time together. This type will always come back home after straying. Please stop rolling back your eyes. If you have ever been in a serious relationship, you know how painful and necessary forgiveness can be.

To the men: You’re on to something bro but you need to tone it down a bit. Money is good and important but so are the ones you love. You can afford to surprise her ever now and then. Improve yourself by striving to be a world class man. Take time to travel and see the world. Ever wonder why the women in your life keep disappearing on you? Well, they think you don’t have the touch. You have the ambition, the money and the heart but no touch. Get it?

The self righteous guy
He is the complete ass. He believes he represents the only right that exists in the universe. He is the type that believes they are God’s gift to you. Unfortunately, you can’t resist them. For one reason or the other, they have this attraction that women can’t resist. He is neat and precise. He keeps time and is always waiting for you to mess up so he can reprimand you. He is assertive and very blunt. He is ver conscious of what people think of him. He is most likely very religious. Unfortunately this type can have very bad secret fetishes.  The reason he is always evaluating others is because he is in constant effort to hide his shortcomings.

To the women: Stay away form this guy! Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

To the men: If you are this guy: You will burn in hell.

The normal guy
This one is the guy that describes the average man. Sometimes he forgets the important days because he is one track minded. He is constantly trying to improve himself but not too hard. He is not a bad man but also not the best man. He lives an average kind of life. An occasional drink on the weekends and maybe church on Sundays. He is easy to figure out because most of men are just like him [or so you think]. These type stay in employment for a very long time. In terms of drama it’s the same old scenarios. In my opinion, he is sort of a mythical creature. Why are women then attracted to this type? Well, with this man, anything goes. He is easy to control and hold at ransom. Unfortunately, he gets played a lot because he is average and doesn’t leave a mark on women’s memories.

To the women: Unless you’re looking to settle, just stay off this guy. If you are serious about a normal relationship then he is the right candidate. He gives you peace of mind. However, you have to train him and mold him into what you want. He is a very good learner. He is also very likely to be a good father. He is as untidy as boys come but as I said, you can install in him some new software.

To the men: If you are this type, don’t worry. The universe will always look after you. You’ll get a raw deal now and then but you’ll be all right. You also need a hobby or an activity that will jolt you from your comfort zone. It doesn’t hurt to have dreams and ambition.

Conclusion
If you have something good going on for you, hold on to it. If you haven’t found the right one, hold on to your cards. It happens in the most unlikely fashion. I have so much respect for the men and women who try hard everyday to find the shoe that fits. I have much more respect to the ones that constantly repair and patch up their old shoe. Next time, I will talk about relationships and money. Is that a good topic?

Unnecessary Jargon

“He just lay there motionless. His right hand hang lifelessly from the edge of the bed as a thick steady flow of blood connected his twitching index finger to the cold floor. He could feel his body jerking slightly as life drained from his veins. All the while, his eyes wouldn’t drop their gaze on her. His mouth was dry and he could taste the salty-metallic character of blood and bile. A stream of tear ran down his temple from his right eye. He couldn’t feel any pain yet he knew it was the last stroke. Visions of his life’s memories flashed in his mind’s eye as he struggled to keep his sight fixed on her. He felt hollow and hopelessly sad. He had loved her with his life and this was how it was going to end.

Lexi sat on the floor at the far end of the room with the knife still held in her hand. Her face displayed no emotion. Her big eyes were now beady and she didn’t blink regardless of how much her make-up glazed her eye lids. She couldn’t figure out what she was feeling. This scene had played in her mind over and over again and now the veil between her dreams and reality seems to have been lifted. She couldn’t hold back her tears and sighs each time he choked in his own blood as he struggled to breath out her name…”

I have been trying to figure out if this is the type of book I’d write in order to stamp my mark in this tough world of writing. It’s every writer‘s dream to do a book that will eventually be shot in film. But being from Africa, what are my chances? Who would want to publish me? Would you want to read my book? Have you noticed that as much as we have some of the most talented writers in our continent we still have very few readable books? Much of African writing is paralyzed by the selfish urge of our authors trying to show off their command of language. I have tried time and time again to read  African literature only to give up midway. We use English that the English themselves would find hard to understand. Instead of communicate, we obscure and confuse. While we are busy showing off our command of foreign languages, the rest of the world is talking, communicating and entertaining! We believe that sophisticated wording will earn us awards [which it does sometimes]. We still live in a world where we immortalize writers who’s books our future generations will never read. In the end, we shut the world out and we shut ourselves in. What a waste! Don’t get me wrong as I rant. I respect those who paved the way so the world would listen to us but is it wrong to ask that we change with the times? Is it a crime to ask for just one piece of literature that doesn’t feel like solving Rubik’s cube? Let’s do literature that children can read and enjoy. Let’s communicate in a simple manner so that our next generations will be proud to be African.

Have you noticed that Hollywood has run dry and is recycling its content? Every film feels like Déjà vu? Every book you read from the first world feels like a regurgitation of another book written before. As the first world slides into monotony, our history and accounts fade away. Africa is home to the most intriguing stories the world will ever hear. We live in color. We have so much we can talk about. Did you ever read Waris Diries’s Desert Flower? Well don’t just sit there, google it!  Get it! We have what it takes to do a good script. All we have to do is just communicate in a manner that is easy to understand. The world is holding its breath waiting for the next big book, film or story from Africa.

When we were young, my father bought us a wall plaque that was a picture of 3 cute kittens shot from a low angle. The inscription  below the picture read, “If you do not raise your eyes, you will always think you are at the highest point”. Let’s fight the urge to stun our readers with unnecessary jargon.

This post is dedicated to all of us who dream of becoming celebrated authors someday. Just write and communicate in a manner that we can all understand.

If you ever come across any good African writer that is easy to understand, do alert me.

Growing a Pair

How do I even begin to tell you what’s in my head? Sometimes my mind takes these dangerous trips that can get quite unpleasant if not controlled. There are thoughts that would change my life dramatically if I were to action them. I’m talking about those instances when I’ve had an intense rush of emotion. Ok maybe emotion sounds a bit too sissy so let me use the word moods. For instance, when someone works you up enough to make your tempers go from zero to stone-angry in a flash, what goes through your mind? Do you feel like bashing their head in? How about farting in their face? Do you cry in complete helplessness? Road rage. Do you suffer from it? Do your ears get hot when an obviously stupid person mocks you on the road and ‘apologizes’ by sticking out their middle finger at you? I bet you’ve ever been stepped on while walking in the busy streets of downtown Nairobi. Did you head-butt the culprit? Did they even say sorry in the first place? Oh I know. You did nothing. You were too scared to share with your aggressor a piece of your mind. You kitten! Yes you. You are probably the world’s lamest pussy. You just walked away murmuring curses under your breath because you were too scared to do anything.

This post is for people like you. Too scared to express these God given urges. I say God given because you were created fearfully and wonderfully and definitely not fearful and always wondering what to do with your emotions. My point, try not to get angry if you really don’t have the balls to express and carry out what’s in your mind. I’m not saying that you need to employ violence in expressing yourself. All I’m saying is that to forgive and move on is the best way to deal with your morbid bursts of anger. That’s the best way to show off balls.

Anyway, all that has nothing to do with the kind of balls I want to talk about today. I’m talking about the balls you need to effectively deal with procrastination. We were created with dream and ambition inside. Have you ever noticed that children are never afraid of dreaming? We all wanted to be pilots, lawyers and doctors when we were growing up. One by one, we dropped out of the race when life got real. We then took up other dreams which we eventually swapped for ‘easier’ ones and now we’re stuck in this murk of a rat race and life is hard. All because we lacked the balls to grab our dreams by the horns. Yes my friend, horns and balls work hand in hand. I hope you have noticed that I placed the words ‘work’ and ‘hand’ together. Hard work will always have to be included if dreams are to come true. Even thieves work hard to plan a heist; who the hell do you think you are?

So anyway, the past is dead. What’re you doing at the moment? Are you stuck in a job you never dreamt of when you were a child? You’re just there for the money right? I get it! You’re just there for a while as you plan a way out. Are you stuck in a friendship or relationship that has never felt right? Do you hate waking up to the same thing for what seems like an eternity? Or maybe you’re still stuck in the mud hoping that one day things will change. Are you stuck in your past? Are your heydays holding you back? Do wish you’d just wake up to a different everything? We all know that may never happen unless you make that move.

I am a firm believer that we were all made for a purpose. We have been placed on this earth to do a job. No matter what you choose to do, the world will always take note and learn from your actions and inactions. All you have to do is decide what type of case study you want to be. There’s always something you can do to change your situation. What’s the use of whining about your bad job if you don’t have the balls to pull of a resignation? How the hell does it help to drool over a girl you always see on your way to work if you’re too scared to walk to her and say hi? Ambition is dead without action. Consequently, ambition and action have a shelf life. This means that you will always miss opportunities if you keep saying you’ll do it tomorrow.  Horns are just a costume if their bearer lacks the balls to take the first step.

Locked in every human being’s DNA is a map that details the path to your destiny. We all know people who’ve ended up hitting the jackpot out of the weirdest of jobs. You can be that person. I can be THAT person. I guess all we need to do is keep trying or at least prepare to die trying. Most often than not, heaven will always answer you immediately you learn the lessons you are supposed to learn. After all, what use is it to have great success yet be unable to contain it? You have come a long way and you have been to hell and back but it wasn’t all for nothing. You were learning the ropes. You were growing a pair.

Balls are selective. They only grow on those who make the choice. You have balls you have will. Having balls means you do what you have to TODAY. It should be noted that no one is born with balls. We all have to grow a pair.

Blowing Fat Candles

You know my heart better than I do. I’m not afraid of dying. I’m only afraid of not completing the work you sent me to do. It would be a shame to come into this world to such pomp and celebration and to exit quietly having not made any impact. So I am here to remind you of my wish list as I have done every day since I was 5. Every breath out always feels like I’m blowing my birthday candle. In my heart I always  make a wish that gets to you in a prayer. I know that I always ask the same things every time I pray, but I know it never gets boring for you. You’ve always listened and come through in the nick of time whenever I have needed something. I have developed a habit of asking you for the impossible because it is what you’re good at. Remember that dry dog year when I wanted to know if I should quit my job? I dared you to gather a storm and send down heavy rain only in the area where I worked, knowing full well that the whole land was experiencing drought. I was shocked and surprised in a good way when you drenched me in rain that afternoon. Quitting that job was the best thing I ever did.

You have always stood by your promises even when I have bailed on you. I have done some bad things expecting to wake up in the absence of your eye but you never change. You always are by my side. By now you’ve already memorized my wish-list. Of course there are those items we have crossed out together over time but the list is ever growing. Sometimes I think I sound like a broken record stuck on replay. I ask for the same things every time; health, wisdom, family, friends, contentment and life. I want to  be the best at what I do because it’s only then that I can pay you back and be sure to sleep at night. So far, you have given me everything I have asked or needed but I want more. I am at a stage in life where I need you to honor my list now more than ever. I need you make these, the first of the best days of my life. And for the record, I need you to respond urgently.

I have always been okay with your ‘no and wait’ style of business but I would like you to make an exception this time. Just say yes. Show me my calling. My sleeves are rolled up and I’m ready to work. Show me the job and let me get my hands dirty. Put me on a wage per work basis. Let me work, see the results and get paid by you in full for it. A little heaven down here would be very welcome. That house on a grassy knoll would really make me and my girl happy. Help me to surprise and show her my heart every now and then. May we enjoy every moment with our families for many years to come. May we live to enjoy the blessing of old age and the miracle of watching the children of our grandchildren prepare for their first date. You know I love what I do and I am thankful for it. Please add more spark to it. You know how badly I would want to help those in need. Can you add that spice to this game too? I would sleep better. You created us equal and I would like to take care of your children.

Like a spoilt child, I sometimes forget that you hold my future in your hands. I worry and I try to control everything in my life instead of letting you order my steps. I have tried to be a good person and I still do but you know how flat I fall at times. I still smell of the stench of my folly but that never seems to put you off. Guilt. I have hurt more people than I have healed. I have crashed many a dream and disappointed the trust others bestowed upon me. I’m not good enough but there’s peace in acknowledging weakness. I am stronger because I know I am frail. I am hopeful because every time I come across a challenge I know it’s just another fat candle I need to blow out.

I haven’t written in a long time and naturally, my heart would not sit still. In my silence, I have found my voice. In my absence, I found myself. I hope you do to.

Killing The Chief of Staff

I recently came across this very outrageous writer called Prestone Adie whom I strongly believe deserves a medal. I choose to call him outrageous because I am yet to figure out why this article made me laugh and eventually fart involuntarily. He is a very intelligent and gripping story teller and I also suspect he is a very disgusting individual to have a beer with. I would hate to imagine the agony his close friends go through by association. Read this and just tell me flat out if I have praised him a bit too much. Oh and Big Up Camp Mulla on their video ” Hold it Down”. These kids are Legendary. Watch it as you read :-)

By Prestone Adie
I struggle to keep my eyes closed. Every time I catch a glimpse of the dark land something jerks me awake. I’ve been at this the last 20 minutes or so. This is not my favourite past time, at least not at this moment of the day. Seated close to me is a lady who I guess got her size matters figured out. She occupies every space in her seat and most of mine. Who am I to complain after all she’s fearfully and wonderfully made; in this case I bet the potter did a tonne fearfully and a tiny wonderfully. I understand there are men who like this size. Again, am just a piece in the puzzle I can’t complain why this little space is where the potter let me fit.  I pull and tug to fit the seatbelt at least to be sure I won’t fall off should this bumpy ride stay this way. I give up when I realize the belt might have been consumed in her mighty butthole. She has every luggage on her lap; the yellow extra large polythene, a kuku, a hunting bag( no other bag is that big) and a large china phone. One of those phones that I bet come with CD players. Did I mention she loves her music loud, I mean no ear phones but the classic palito on hand. I bet this must be the reason can’t get any sleep because suppose she decides to play Brick breaker on that phone who knows the size of bricks it has and whether virtual reality could be real at any point in time?

This episode of my life reminds me of the time I took a group of Philistine friends of mine to Nakuru. They kept asking questions on and off in a language close to English, maybe it was English because most words after serious explanation sounded English to me. They talked of how happy they were to have come to the nativity of US president and asked me whether I would take them there. I said yes and named my price that’s when I realized Kikuyu is not a tribe in Kenya, they are spread all over the world. They lectured me on the proper ways to treat foreigners even if I was playing host. We might be foreigners but we know that given a thousand shillings is your highest monetary denominator one must always find change whenever they use it, they said. They told me how they had been to Kenya before and even gone to it’s second largest city, Kampala. In fact they said Kampala had the best Kenyan women because they knelt down to greet their men and showed the highest respect. When I challenged them why they didn’t get married to them they said how dark thighs dimmed their sexual appetite.

Truth be told, I had hosted these Goliath men for the last 1 week and by then I had taught them the lines of “Mgeni siku ya kwanza…” which they sang every time they could. Am not a bad host, that much I know because my mum had taught me well. Question is how much of that do I remember or use. Let me whine a little. In my neighborhood I am a very respectable man. For one I don’t drink and when I do I don’t tell. Next, I don’t play loud music mostly because my other neighbours have better systems unlike my version of a subwoofer which is basically a stolen matatu speaker placed inside out in a cut Jerrican that I proudly made in campus, Genius huh! Again, the kids on the block love me, they want to be like me when they grow up however much I keep beseeching them to have different goals because even me didn’t want to be like me when I grow up. These kids come calling when they can and that’s where the problem comes with my guests. They walk naked in the house and say clothing is something for people who are not proud of their bodies. Am not proud of their bodies. They take pictures every other time and record everything including the time I was shouting at my mum for pledging a 10000 give away at church in my  name. Yeah! Times are hard but that’s a fact I don’t want my parents to know because they believe am one of their successful projects. These Goliath people don’t flash the toilet and say that in their country they have automatic flashing systems that go swoosh when you are done losing weight. They hate ugali and love uji, how’s that even possible. They love nyama choma and prefer I cook them nyama choma than ugali and sukuma wiki. They like Jamaican songs and believe the Jamaican language is the one used in the God’s must be crazy. In a nutshell they are quite the guests.

Once on the trip to Nakuru I told them that Zebra’s are called Punda milia and donkey punda, an action I soon came to regret when they kept shouting punda milia at everything they saw. Then I told them that Nyani is Kiswahili for hi so that they could give me some fun in the car while they kept exchanging pleasantries and they ended up using it on a traffic police officer.  Long story short thank God I borrowed a turbo charged land rover hard body for this trip cos damn! How many horse power does that thing produce again?

I remember on the second day when they skyped a friend of theirs in Australia who gave me a hard time explaining that my dad is human and not a chimp. After the call I took out the family album and compared with the evolution pictures on the internet.

Actually I understand why David had to kill their chief of staff with a stone from river Tana.  These people are a pain in the ass. There’s a reason why David is the hero of this story and am not surprised he’s a Maasai, after all they are the only people I know who like David kill lions and graze their father’s cattle. Here’s a question for y’all, What is the average height of a philistine because Goliath is the first and the last I know who was both huge and tall? Is that why he was made the chief of staff? Do they have oval faced women there or is round their only version of sexy?

Here’s a pointer. While men say women whine, am a masculine version of a woman because I complain a lot and that should not make one think I didn’t have fun. These philistines gave me three things when they were around. One is fun like never before. Then there’s a million pictures of nude men on my desktop which I have learnt to delete without looking. And finally, most significant of all they made me bankrupt.

TO CHEAT OR NOT TO CHEAT?

BY PATRICK WANYOIKE
The last blog post by Michael Ngigi really created a furor and got me thinking. Although the actual blog was not about cheating, many people judged the blog by its title and thus lost a very important message on self-love. Many thought that the author needed some sort of intervention, well if you just read the first few paragraphs and never really bothered to read the whole thing. Cheating it seems, is a very sensitive topic although it’s very prevalent. So this blog post is ACTUALLY about cheating. Let me first reiterate that I am not encouraging anyone to cheat. I thought about this topic and I enlisted quite a number of people who wished to stay anonymous (for obvious reasons) to give their opinions on this topic. What I got back, were a myriad of reasons that was too long to list. They gave reasons for and against cheating; here are some of the reasons they gave as to why people cheat…

1. Boredom
This was the most common reason. Most people felt that once you put time in a relationship, you lose the spark. The chemical high wears off; the sex becomes dull and infrequent. Same position, same person, and only the adrenaline of an affair can bring back those feelings of excitement. Some people just enjoy the thrill of running around and trying not to get caught. Long-term relationships have the annoying habit of making people lazy. They settle and once they do that, boredom sets in and cheating might follow.

Nobody will bring back the spark in your relationship unless you work on it. How about you try investing that time you use to cover your tracks, sneaking around and cheating to go out on a few dates and keep that spark alive? Better yet, get a hobby or work on your bucket list

2. Revenge
So he/she went and cheated on you. You ‘forgave’ them and now it’s payback. You feel betrayed, wounded and want to give them a dose of their own medicine and even the playing field. So what do you do? You go and cheat

People do dumb shit. (Pardon my French) This is one of them. When does the vicious cycle of an eye for an eye end? All this ends up doing is leaving everyone blind.

3. Because They Let You
This was a reason given predominantly by the men who felt that once they cheated, and were forgiven; felt that no matter how many times they did it, they would be forgiven. After all, you did let them get away with it the first time.

Maybe it’s time to take a stand and don’t allow anyone to take advantage of you and your generosity

4. Self-Esteem
Sex can be an instant pick-me-up; that makes women feel sexier, more beautiful and more loved. And if you are ignoring her, not giving her compliments, some other man might be doing just that. For men, who need their ego stroked constantly, nothing does that better than discovering that other women still desire you sexually. And when this happens, sometimes the temptation proves just a little bit too much

Pay attention to her, ask her questions and don’t hold back on compliments — a little flattery goes a long way. And for the ladies, it’s your job to make your man feel like a man. Or someone else will…

5. Exit Strategy
Instead of breaking up with you, they cheat on you. That way they don’t have to deal with the broken relationship, which is much harder to fix. An affair is the easy way out — or at least that’s how they see it.

Don’t be a coward, man up. If you want out of a relationship, say so. Don’t cheat.

6. Its Genetic
A report came out a few years ago that said, “In what is being called a first of its kind study, researchers at Binghamton University, State University of New York (SUNY) have discovered that about half of all people have a gene that makes them more vulnerable to promiscuity and cheating. Those with a certain variant of the dopamine receptor D4 polymorphism — or DRD4 gene — “were more likely to have a history of uncommitted sex, including one-night stands and acts of infidelity,” according to lead investigator Justin Garcia. DRD4 is the “thrill-seeking” gene, also responsible for alcohol and gambling addictions. The gene can influence the brain’s chemistry and subsequently, an individual’s behavior. The desire to cheat or sleep around seems to originate in the brain’s pleasure and reward center, where the “rush” of dopamine motivates those who are vulnerable, the researchers say.

I guess they better come up with a test for this in order we can all get tested. The science is sound but whether it affects you is a totally different matter. Look at the term used “more likely.”

Patrick Wanyoike studies Organic Chemistry at the University of Iowa.
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